Sunday, March 24, 2013

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 2

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Having survived the self-inflicted horrors of Tapout Day 1, our fearful heroine wakes up to a brand new adventure-filled day.


Pre-workout mood: I hurt. Everything on me hurts. It even hurts to put my hair up. Why are we moving 

Day 2 is Strength & Force Upper + Ultimate Abs.

Well that sounds terrible.

53:45 Warm up. 53 minutes?!?!
53:44 OMG! These jumping jacks are killing me! My stomach hurts! Why does my bouncing stomach hurt? It didn't hurt yesterday! Oh, this is a great start.
53:05 Still warming up. Already wanna quit. Not really surprised. But my inner thin girl is being uber-supportive this morning. "Keep going, Fatty!"
50:20 Chest scoop. Requires resistance bands. Aha! I'm ready for you, still don't know your name. Ryan's wearing a red shirt today. Now he looks like a Greg. Anyway, got my band right here, so bring it Greg!
49:15 Push-ups. They are the bane of my existence. I have next-to-no arm strength for this. Just gonna do my pathetic girly push-ups.
48:30 Front raise with chest punch. Back up for some resistance band work. Oh, these suckers hurt. Super wobbly. Starting to grunt and grown already. I can feel four-letter words lining up in the back of my throat getting ready to be ejected at a high rate of speed.
47:10 Back down for more torture (aka floor work). Greg loves push-ups. Great. "You should probably marry it then and have little baby push-ups that can go out into the world and multiply and torture the entire planet. Jerk."
46:20 Back up again! I could get a complete workout just standing up and sitting down. I'm starting to turn into an old elderly lady. I should get life alert.
44:35 Ground and pound. Yep, more floor work. This is kinda fun though because it involves visualizing beating the crap out of someone. Surpringly, Greg, I find that easy to do.
43:40 Stand up, grab bands, torture the arms for a while. The bands are really starting to hurt. But Greg says you don't quit in Tapout! So I dropped the band. At this point I'd rather finish the exercise than rest or take a break. 
32:15 "Sweetpea! Stop chewing on my resistance band!"
16:25 Greg's half naked. When did he take off his shirt? Maybe it's his twin Ryan.
14:40 Snatch. This exercise is called snatch? Ha! Gregory Ryan said snatch.
08:00 "bleep you Gregory Ryan." I cannot physically get back down on the floor. I will just keep doing the last arm work exercise instead.
04:25 THE KILLER FINISHING MOVE! Ok, what are we doing today to make me feel even more pathetic. Karpenko Curls. What's that? Lay down flat on your back, resistance band wrapped around the bottom of my feet, curl hands up to chest. You mean, bicep curls??? I can do those! In your face, Gregory Ryan Marie! HAHA!
02:30 Cool down. Yeah, sure. Whatever you say Margaret.

There are tears on my cheeks as I press the play button for this workout. Ultimate Abs sounds like it should be an appetizer at TGIF. I bet this is going to hurt like hell.
15:45 Ok, only 15 minutes. How bad can this be?
13:45 I can't do that, you jerk! I'll just do crunches. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
12:25 Sweetpea, why are you licking my forehead? You are creeping me out.
11:15 Cowboy oblique crunches. Holy crap. Something I can do.
08:50 Crunch elbow. Ok, I can do this too. Sure, if you cheat. "Shut up inner bitch! No one invited you to this exercise class!"
07:50 Bader roll. AH! I broke my ass! OMG! That hurts! I'll just do crunches. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
03:05 THE KILLER FINISHING MOVE! GFO'S. I have no idea what that stands for, but it involves another imaginary fight. I'm all up for any exercise that involves fantasy violence. That gives me a great money-making idea! Twilight: The Workout Video. How many women would buy that crap? HAHA! Oh, are we doing a cool down now? Sorry dude. I got distracted.
00:00 "Woo hoo! I did it! Go Team Me! Sweetpea!! Goddammit!! Stop chewing on my resistance band!! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

  Well, I did it. It wasn't pretty, but I did do it. I've found that some exercises I can already do well. Anything with biceps. Other times I use the bands until I feel I have to stop then I drop them and continue without them. It's not surprising that just having to move my arms under their own weight is sometimes challenging enough. But I try hard not to stop completely because I've found the effects are quite demoralizing.
   Push-ups are the worst though. I just keep doing what little move I can and hope that someday I'll be able to do just one. Just one!
    My knees are killing me. It's not the standing up and sitting down that hurts them. It's not the lunges because I can do those quite well, actually. It doesn't hurt to walk or bend. It's having them on the floor. I have this problem at yoga too. My knees against the floor hurts. I know I have a lot of extra weight resting on them, but it's wicked painful. I've tried doubling-up on yoga mats and it still hurts. I need some kind of super-thick gym mat. Will have to look into something for that because it's really making these workouts a lot more painful and difficult than they already are. And God knows the last thing I need is one more reason to quit.

    Find out the hottie instructor's name. Especially if I'm gonna swear at him.