Tuesday, August 4, 2015

My Shopping Trip To Costco

MY SHOPPING TRIP TO COSTCO
An Emotional Fairy Tale

The first time Drew and I went shopping at Costco was because it was rainy and neither of us likes to do anything on lazy, rainy days. Since the housework ain’t gettin’ done, we said, “Let’s go get some meat!!”

We get there and after a “test drive” around the parking lot, Drew finally finds his parking spot.

Why does he have such parking issues???? Who the hell can’t park a car???? WHY DO I KEEP LETTING HIM DRIVE?????

We go in and notice there are people everywhere pushing stuff and selling stuff. Food, phones, rain-repellent treatment for your vehicle, etc... etc... I hate stuff like that. They’re nice enough people, but leave me alone. I've been suckered into enough crap in my life. Please don't try and sell me stuff I don't need. I have a hard enough time leaving a winery without buying a bottle or two. I don't need this kind of pressure when I'm sober.

No, I don’t need baby wipes. I don’t have a baby. I don’t care if you can use them for other things. Grrrrrr.

We round the first corner and I almost run into some guy. He’s standing next to the TV display and talking to the guy standing across from him at the something-else display. Tablets? Phones? I don’t know, but they’re obviously both selling something.

I go, “Oops. Sorry.”

He says something back. I will never know what. I think the words “today” and “deal” were in there somewhere. All I saw at my eye-level was the DirecTV shirt his perfectly sculpted arms and tight chest were pushed into. The shirt wanted to burst open from the awesomeness. I looked up and was met with the face of a Greek god.

OH MY GOD!!!!!  IT’S ALEX!!!

* For those of you not in the know, Alex is the hero of the romantic comedy that I wrote and published what seems like three lifetimes ago. He's amazing. And he's awesome. And he's totally in love with our heroine Lyssa.

Ok, maybe he wasn't as Greek as he should be. His skin was as pale as mine. But he had the facial hair!!! HE HAD THE FACIAL HAIR!!!!!! His hair was cut a little shorter than our hero’s would be, but I can definitely forgive that. His eyes were soft and his smile even softer.

Words? What are these words you speak of, your majesty?

My jaw fell open. And it stayed there for a second longer than normal. Then this came tumbling out, “No. Thank you. But we’re not interested.”

WE AREN’T??????? SINCE WHEN??????? THIS GUY IS MY DAYDREAMS IN 3-D!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S IMAX PRESENTS ALEX AND THE CASE OF THE DRIPPY PANTIES!!!!!!!

At this point, my brain completely snapped.

DO SOMETHING!!! HE THINKS YOU’RE A MORON!!!!!

For whatever reason, Drew was lagging behind. And he was movin’ slow. Abnormally slow, even for him. And staring at the ceiling??? I grabbed him by the arm and said, “No, we can’t look at this stuff today. Come on. We have to shop and then get you home.” Drew stared at me like I had three heads, which firmly backed the point I was trying to make.

I AM A SOCIAL WORKER! THIS IS MY MENTALLY CHALLENGED CHARGE!

“You need to push the cart, Andrew.”
“I am!” The whining he inadvertently added was pure gold.
I'd feel bad about this, but he's really NOT pushing the cart. He's still staring at the ceiling. I grab the end of the cart and pull it and him down the aisle.

I must confess, I’ve done this to Drew in Wegmans before when he’s being stupid, but then it’s a joke and the cashiers know it. And so does he. But this time? No joke, Drew is clueless, and it so totally worked! I got an even sweeter, more patient smile from the hot guy. The kind of smile that says, “It’s so nice that you bring your handicapped brother out shopping. You go, girl.”

I am the worst wife on the planet.

We get a few aisles down and away from Alex’s Caucasian doppelganger and I can’t contain it anymore. I blurt out… “Did you see that guy? He was freakin’ hot! If we had stopped, I’d have bought whatever the hell he was selling.”
“What guy?” Drew is genuinely lost today. Just utterly oblivious.
“The guy that looks like Alex! Totally hot!”
“Alex?!” Now Drew’s mad. I think he’s actually jealous! “Who’s Alex??”
“Hello? From the book? Alex and Lyssa?”
“Oh yeah.” He calms down immediately. “Him. Duh. I didn’t see him. It looked like him? Good.”

Now I’m practically pissing myself. Apparently if Alex isn’t real it’s ok to freak out about a hot guy. Who did he think I was referring to? The only people we actually know named Alex aren’t hot. And are females. WTF???

We continue shopping and I kind of forget about the DirecTV guy.

Until....

“I wanna check out this stuff.” More whining.
“It’s high-tech speakers and junk we don’t need.”
“I wanna see!”
“Oh, my God. You’re like a three-year old. Ok.”

We head down the aisle, which I didn’t realize in that mammoth store was actually near the front, and it ends right where we started... at the DirecTV guy.

I happened to look up and the timing was perfect. Our eyes locked. We did the polite smile thing. I started to panic again. I noticed Drew picked up some $70 gadget he didn’t need.
“No! You can’t have that! Let’s go! Time to check out!”
He puts it back on the shelf and I steer him back down the aisle.

By now he’s used to me saying to him, “No! You can’t have that!” Especially in Costco --- because that’s every other aisle with him! Seriously!

“I just bought you four new shirts from Kohls! You don’t need that! Put it down!”
That really happened, too!

We check out and I’m giggling like a moron. Drew has no idea what I did. He’s tired and just happy that we bought a ton of meat. I was going to tell him on the way home about my using him to cover-up my inner teenage girl’s insecurities, but my mind got distracted with trying to calculate how many meals we could get from the giant pork loin, chicken drumsticks, and whole chicken roasters we bought and how much it cost us. In doing so, we discovered a very important detail.

They never charged us for the $35 three-pack of ribs we bought. I don’t do a running total when I shop, so I had no idea what to expect at the checkout. If I had known, I definitely would have told them. I love a bargain, but I’m all about paying for what I owe.

We felt kind of bad, but weren’t going to go back. We were halfway home and it was pouring rain. The two people working the checkout didn’t catch it, and they actually emptied the cart for us. Plus, the woman who checks the cart to your list on the way out the door didn’t see it at all. We only bought 7 items. It’s not like they were hiding. If it had been a different scenario, like the cashier gave me a $50 in change instead of a $5, then yes. We'd have gone back because they would have gotten in a lot of trouble for a simple, honest mistake. But this time? Nope. We’re honest, but also kind of lazy, so we weren't going back. 


So, in conclusion, I got to drool on a hot guy, pretend Drew was my mentally challenged charge, and we got a crapload of ribs for free. I love Costco!

UPDATE:  Drew does now know the story. When I told him, he just smiled at me and said, "There's a lot of things to see at Costco! Even on the ceiling." He can be so much fun to be married to.

~ Steph