Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 1

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Who is Butterball? I am Butterball. When I was a baby my father used to call me his "little butterball." Why? I don't know. I asked him the other day and he couldn't remember either. I wasn't an extremely fat baby. I was actually quite a normal baby. And I didn't look anything like a frozen turkey. I was actually quite cute. Most babies look like alien pod creatures or cranky garden gnomes. I was cute. Until about age five. That was when it all started to go wrong.

I've spent the majority of my life fat and ugly and doing a lot of stupid things because of it. Mostly while attempting to correct the "fat and ugly" part. Today I've decided to write about it. Most of these stories are  about events that were painful and embarrassing to have gone through, but are usually hilarious when I tell them. Must be hilarious because they make everyone laugh. I'm sure they're laughing with me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~


I decided recently that I have to start exercising. My diet is at the point where I'm feeling good and I'm maintaining my weight. The problem is I actually need to lose weight. Quite a bit. About the equivalent of a new Kia. I could get up and get on the treadmill in the morning but that sounds boring and tedious and boring. I could do the Wii Fit 30-Day Challenge. I've only tried that three times and never gotten past Day #2. But why learn from past experience?!

So, what exercise am I going to do?

I decided to do TapouT XT. I watched an infomercial for it the other night and the guy is kind of good looking. (Yes, I am a student of the Jason C. School of Sexercise. Choose your exercise based on the hotness of the instructor!)

Honestly, TapouT XT was not designed for someone of my size or physical condition. It's meant to be done by someone who's already in moderately decent shape. I decided to do it anyway because if I stay this weight I'm going to die early, so I might as well do an exercise program that will make me feel like dying now.  My theory is if I survive, I was meant to be thin. (See. I told you I'm stupid.)

Day 1 started with the Cross Core Combat. It's a 45+ minute workout.

45:47 Warm-up
45:35 I'm already in hell. I used to be able to do jumping jacks for more than a minute without contemplating suicide. WTF?
41:05 The warm-up is done. Depression has already started to seep in with the realization that this was yet again...another stupid idea.
41:00 Snap push kicks. Ok, I got these! Bring it on!
39:55 Walk out to sphinx. I cannot possibly explain the complexity of this move. It involves planking and push-ups. It's insanely difficult. I did my best though.
38:25 Side plank with extension. The hot guy (whose name I still don't know - he looks like a Ryan - I'll call him Ryan) wants me to roll onto my side from a plank position and raise my arm into the air. I'm starting to hate Ryan.
37:20 Rotating knee strike. Ok, I lay on my back and then roll to the side and ram my knee into my invisible opponent. They said you don't need anymore space than your living room to do these workouts. I can't blame them for not knowing that my living room is the size of most people's bathrooms. I did successfully knee strike my couch though. Made a mental note to move more furniture out of the way next time.
36:15 Shift forward/Pop/Switch. I cannot physically pop up to a plank position when I'm on my elbows. It took me two minutes to stand up. But Ryan says a water break is coming up, so there is hope.
34:43 Plank what? Plank you Ryan.
33:50 WATER BREAK!! 
33:40 What do you mean the water break is done? I'm not off the damn floor yet! and I have to grab some resistance bands too? Where's the freaking pause button?!
<<The next ten minutes are spent looking for the resistance bands. I found a stockpile of four of them. None are marked for their resistance amount. After numerous tests, I decided they all suck. I picked red (because it's pretty!) and got into position.>>
33:19 Bob Bob Jab Cross. Yes! I can totally do this! In your face! Bob! Bob! Jab! Cross! Oof. The resistance band slipped out from under my foot and snapped my own gut. I have a red welt on my stomach. Thanks for the reality check, resistance band!
32:05 Sphinx/Pop-up Down. They also call this move Load and Explode. I called it Banging My Invisible Girlfriend. I couldn't do the move because I was laughing too hard. Ryan really gets into it. Laughing harder!
31:20 Superman roll/leg punch. Lay on the floor in a Superman pose, then you roll over, punch while kicking the coffee mug off the table. Yay! I can do this! I'm so psyched I start grunting, groaning and screaming at the TV. "Yeah! bleep you Ryan!" Roll! Punch! "bleep you!"
29:40-08:11 I don't remember anything that happened in the next 20 minutes. I might have passed out. My brain might have shut down in denial that I was exercising. Not sure.
08:10 Crunch ankle/slap knee strike. I gave him the ankle slap but the knee strike wasn't happening. I was on the verge of tears. But Ryan begged. "Hang in there!" So I did.
06:00 Today's exercise ended with The Grinder which is Death by Push-up. I did "girl push-ups" instead at a slow-ass pace. My hatred for Ryan slowly dissipates as I realize the living room carpet really needs hoovering.
03:05 Cool down. 
An hour later...cooled down.

In all fairness, Ryan really is a decent instructor. He gave alternative movements for those of us that couldn't do the real deal. He was encouraging and said several times..."Go at your own pace, but don't stop." And I found him very motivational.

Well, that was a learning experience.  I learned that I need to move more furniture out of the way.  I need to position my yoga mat better, or use a couple mats because the rug is too slippery for floor exercises.  And I learned, most importantly, that I can push myself when needed. My body can do these things if I actually try. I can't do them nearly as well as Ryan and his gang of expert exercisers, but I can do them. I know it's only Day One, but I'm actually looking forward to doing more TapouT exercises. Someday I'll see improvement and that's my goal. Just to improve.


Daddy and Butterball