Sunday, March 31, 2013

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout W2,D2

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Soooo, how we doin'?


Pre-workout mood:  It's Sunday morning. I'm awake and ready to go. I'm a little nervous. I don't remember this workout and I didn't go back and review. Apparently it's my Easter surprise!

Day 9 is Strength & Force Upper + Ultimate Abs

Been there, done that. How will we do compared to the last time?

I won't bother going through the highlights because I've done that. Also, I have nothing to highlight. I didn't swear. I didn't scream or shout. I did have a few moment when I grunted "Don't quit!" to myself. I did every move. I modified where needed and only if needed. I pushed myself. Not to sound cliche, but...I felt the burn.

Here's the amazing part --- and it didn't occur to me until halfway through the workout --- I got up. I got down. I got up. I got down. I didn't strain, complain or stress about it. It didn't take me half the next exercise to do it. I was up and ready to go when Mike was. Unbelievable. A week ago I was struggling just to sit up. I can not pop up. (Kinda.)

This may not seem like a big deal to some people. Those people wouldn't know me. I'm easily a hundred pounds overweight. Getting up from a chair is a workout for me. No. Getting up from a chair was a workout for me. I do it now without hesitation or thought. In fact yesterday afternoon I was going to sit at my desk and work on some writing. I couldn't do it! I just had to get up and do something. I cleaned the kitchen, living room and organized the cardmaking room. I made over a dozen cards and cleaned out the filing cabinet upstairs. I shredded a supersize garbage bag of old papers we don't need anymore. I'd have shredded more but the shredder overheated and shut down. I was on the go! I even debated doing another workout just because I had so much energy. That's unheard of for me.

And that's not the end of it. I stood at my desk at work more last week than since I got the adjustable standing desk. It felt good to stand. I spent most of Thursday and Friday running around helping people with computer issues. I didn't even complain. I enjoyed it! (Ok, I might have complained about the co-worker, but not the running around part.)

The only exercise I couldn't do was the Killer Move at the end of Ultimate Abs. It requires rolling over. I did two of them and my hips hurt badly. They aren't ready to be rolled on just yet. Of course, as fate would have it Drew was coming downstairs at that precise moment. He took one look at me sprawled out on the mat and said, "Aren't you supposed to be doing that video?" Really? This from a guy that's hobbling around because he fell on his knee yesterday. "I think I need an x-ray and some PT." His sympathetic wife said, "You can move it. You're fine."

Now that was a pleasant surprise! Huh. *squee*

Tomorrow is Plyo XT. It's the undisputed hardest TapouT XT workout. I'll try to remain positive about it. Maybe I'll do much better the second time around than the first. Maybe I'll kick its ass. Maybe I'll sprout wings and fly to Jamaica. Hey, anything's possible. (Well, maybe not anything.)


Sometimes You Have To Stop Writing To Become A Better Writer

A few weeks ago it became painfully obvious to me that Book #2 was not going to be out in April, as I'd told some people. It wasn't even going to be out in May. I had 25% of it done and I was determined that I could force the rest out maybe by June. I'd forced the first book out when I got stuck. I could do the same here.

Then one late Friday night I finished writing a scene that takes place at our heroine's place of employment  Markison Industries. I re-read it and discovered two things to my horror:

#1  Marlene had squeaked.
#2  Alex had whined.

Ok. Marlene does not squeak. She squeals, barks, grumbles and squawks. She does not squeak. Lyssa squeaks. And Alex most certainly does not whine! The man is a dark, quiet hunk. He might humbly beg (especially for his lover) but he never, ever whines. Why was this not working this time? It'd been easy and almost effortless to write the first book and push through the brain-blockages. 

I decided I needed to stop writing. My brain was fried and my characters were suffering for it. I was miserable and frustrated. Not just with my writing, but everything. Myself, my job, my life. I didn't have those problems (not to this extreme) the first time. That was the difference. So I threw the deadline out the window and decided I would write it when I was ready.

A couple nights later I was flipping through TV channels while in bed and happened upon an infomercial for one of those psychotic workout videos. I got sucked in and before you know it I decided I would do it. Why? Because I'm fat, ugly and miserable. Why not?

I researched the various psychotic videos on the market and picked TapouT XT. It's an MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) based workout. I'd always liked kickboxing and the idea that I could kick someone's ass if I had to. Reviewers said it was similar to the others but was safer on the knees. I already have an extra 100 pounds against me here so why make it worse.

The next Saturday I decided to begin.

I won't delve into the details of the workout. I've blogged all about it. If you're interested in reading the comical trials and tribulations of a fat girl trying to do a workout that is very-much NOT designed for fat people, start here.  DAY ONE.

I'm nine days into the workout and I have to say that it's probably the smartest thing I've ever done. I feel so much better already. I have a long way to go, I know this, but it's made me happier and that's all that's important right now. It's lifted the miserableness away and made my mind more peaceful. I have at least five times more energy than I used to. I used to dread getting out of my chair. Now I don't think twice about it. Yeah, I was that lazy and unhealthy.

In a couple weeks I will probably start writing again. After the newness of my workout wears off. When the new routine becomes just a routine. When the exercising becomes a habit. When I can afford to let my focus  shift to other things without worrying about losing myself again. Then I will go back to Markison Industries and back to the amazing story that's waiting to unfold. I already know it. I just have to tell it.

Sometimes you have to stop writing to become a better writer.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout W2,D1

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

It's the first day of the second week. Our heroine is psyched. Let's see how long this lasts...


Pre-workout mood: It's Saturday! I slept in an extra hour! I'm feelin' great! Let's get this started!!

Day 1 is Competition Core.

Competition Core? I changed my mind. Can I go back to bed?

47:15 Warm up. The fact that Mike's starting out without his shirt on is not encouraging. I don't think he's doing it for the eye candy factor. I think this is a sign that this is going to be intense. Well, he can just bring it! I am ready! (Right? Ha ha?)
44:15 Lumberjack. This requires the band. Again, it's my first time doing this workout and I'm foregoing the bands. To be honest, I don't have a band to do this one. Mine are too tight. I'll get two done and then my arms are going to collapse. Better to do the move and keep up my pace today.
40:00 Plank knee strikes. OMG! I can plank today! Wow! I can feel that too. Whoa! Holy crap I'm doing this! Holy crap this is gonna hurt later!
37:00 I love low level lunges. I can totally wreck these! And the big guy in the back row just took a break! Ha! I'm not breakin' you ape! Get back in it!
32:25 Mountain climbers. These babies hurt! It's like jogging from a plank position. Doin' my best.
31:25 Prison squat. This is a crazy cardio move. I have no idea why it's called prison squat. If Mike said I didn't hear it because the sound of my own breath is overpowering the TV. But it's a controlled breath. Something I learned from when I ran. (Yes, believe it or not there was a time I was a runner.) Deep breaths. Don't wanna start hyperventilating.
30:00 Snow angels. Lay straight out on the floor, arms overhead, then crunch in like you're making a snow angel, but your shoulders and legs come off the floor. AAAAAHHHH!!!! These are killer!! OMG! I can feel my abs crunching! OMG! I HAVE ABS! And they're not just crunching in pain; they are working!
28:30 Push-ups with side planks and power jacks. Well, I did about two to their dozen. This is the first day I've been able to do a side plank. I had to heavily modify it, but I did it. I couldn't do those last week.
24:50 Orlie hop. This is the first exercise today that I absolutely cannot do. It requires a move I can't describe properly in words, but I can't do it because my stomach is too big and I'll hit my head on the floor. When my arms are stronger, maybe. Not worried about it though. Last week I couldn't side plank. Maybe I'll Orlie hop next week.
23:25 Warrior push-up. It takes my favorite yoga move Warrior One and turns it into a push-up. Again, I did about two. Amazed I got two. I'm not a big fan of falling on the floor and popping back up.
19:55 Lunge bounce. I think the house just shifted off the foundation. Haha! Half the class just took a break. I'm not breaking! I like lunges. I do not want to know why those muscles on me rock. Haha! Sam just gave Mike a dirty look. It was kinda sexy. Water break!
17:55 Mountain climbers on our forearms. I cannot hold a plank position on my elbows. This is the most painful position I've tried to accomplish yet. It focuses on my lower abs. I spent the entire time just trying to stay up. Wow. That's intense.
14:25 Side burpee punch. Well, I'm impressed. It took almost 33 minutes for me to swear at Mike.
11:42 Bridge push kicks. Still swearing.
10:40 Ab bicycle reach. AAAAHHHH!!!! Come on abs! Don't stop now!
07:15 Plank hip rotator. Well, I'll try it. Plank, reach leg threw, switch. Ow. No seriously. What did I just pull in my leg. I think I'll just pass on these for now. I'll just try to stand up. I'm slowin' down big time now. Just a little more to go!
KILLER MOVE! Queen Bee. It's a lunge move! Yes! I got it! Don't pull on the neck! Tighten the core! Add the junk! Keep it up! Uh, what? Add the junk? Did he say add the junk? It was probably trunk, but he is a dude, so it could be junk. That's hilarious. Add the junk, byotch!
03:00 Cool down. This feels good today. Real good.

This was a FANTASTIC workout! I loved it! It had just the right amount of stand up-get down for me. It had lunges and punches and planks. I am truly amazed at how much I could do today. When I got done I cried. Honest-to-goodness tears on my cheeks. People wouldn't think of me as a sentimental person, and for the most part I'm not, but I can be quite emotional when it comes to myself. Especially when I've accomplished something. It's a rare thing in my life. I cried after completing the Great Race; I cried when my first book was done; I cried this morning. I love it when I surprise myself. I should really make an effort more often. I probably could have cured cancer or found the douchebag gene by now. (You know there is one, right?)

Tomorrow is Strength & Force Upper + Ultimate Abs. This is the first of the workout videos that will be a repeat. Unless something truly amazing happens, most likely I will not blog about it. Just once in a while with an update. Maybe start a little gadget on the right-hand side there with some stats. Maybe...


Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 7

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

As much as our heroine enjoys waking up to her handsome training instructor, she is sooooo looking forward to not seeing Mike's face this morning.


Pre-workout mood: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (Do Not Disturb.)

Day 7 is a Rest Day.

It's also time for review and reflection.

Despite my complaining (and the miserableness of yesterday's post) I really like these workouts. The exercises change constantly throughout the videos so they don't bore me. The moves are challenging but easy. I don't have to stand there and go, "Now where's his foot? And what's he doing with his hand?" It's obvious. I might stand there and go, "Nice abs," but I think that's part of the motivational process. I swear at Mike more than I should but he's actually an excellent instructor. He's very motivating.

The videos I'm using I borrowed from a friend (one of the millions I have on the internet). I wanted to try TapouT XT before buying it. I know TapouT XT comes with a 100% satisfaction guaranteed warranty on it but have you ever tried to use those kinds of warranties? I'm not saying TapouT would be arseholes about it and make me feel like crap for returning their product, but you don't have to go through that kind of personal hell too many times to know you don't want to stick your neck out for anyone else's product.

Also, I'm child of the 80's. I had a music collection that consisted of hundreds of CD's all of which had ONE good song on them. I was screwed over then and I've been bitter about it ever since. Damn it! I still want my money back from Bjork for that stupid CD with "Army of Me" on it! I'm sure she's a lovely person, but that song suckered me in. Errrr!

I borrowed the videos, I tried them and I really like them. To prove to myself and the world that I'm sincere about this, bought the TapouT XT package this week and it should be here in about 5 days. I'm a dedicated supporter of the things I like and use. I am brand loyal. But I make companies earn it now.

I've seen some improvements in my health and attitude already. Even though I have a non-wheat/milk/soy/sugar eating plan, there's nothing to keep me from cheating on it. Ever since starting to workout I haven't. I don't want to waste all my exercise efforts on cake.

I've also taken some time this week to be more "girlie." And I'm not just referring to my push-ups. I gave myself a pedicure and manicure! I've also started wearing my jewelry again. I feel better on the inside and it makes me want to show it on the outside too.

And lastly, writing about this and talking about it on Facebook and with my co-workers has been the biggest thrill. I've had so much fun! I can't thank my supporters and friends enough. Especially Kelly, who borrowed the Day 1 DVD from me to try it. The following morning when she called me and said, "Are you out of your goddamn mind?" I laughed my ass off. Yes, I am and proud of it.

So thank you everyone!

At Day 10 I re-check my weight and measurements. If I get to Day 10 I'm going to reward myself with a new pair of shoes. Preferably some pretty slip-on sandals. So I don't have to bend over to put them on. Ow.

Also, Jason said if I get through another week doing TapouT I get a reward. I'm not gonna say what it is because that spoils the fun. Personally, I'd just be happy if he promised to never fart in my car again. Driving around in 30 degree weather with the windows down sucks.


The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 6

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

The last workout day. Our heroine has one more day to go before she's done with Week One. Just one. How hard can one be. It's just ONE.


Pre-workout mood: Why am I still doing this?

Day 6 is Sprawl & Brawl.

I am so miserable. This is going to be bad.

The below running commentary ran through my head for pretty much the entire workout...

"I hate this. I hate Mike. I hate every single one of those people. Don't bother flashing your abs. They're not gonna help today. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Screw you. I'm not getting back down on my knees again. I'm getting motion sickness. Up. Alright I'll go down for this one. I'm so annoyed I'm not even gonna bother making the obvious "going down" joke. Up. Ok, kickboxing is good. Like the kickboxing moves. More plank crap! Ugh. Kick, kick, punch, punch. Sit up?! AH! I'm so tired today. The only thing that would make this fun is if we were doing it in a bouncy castle. Ooo! Now there's a great exercise idea. Kick, upper cut, elbow. More sit-ups. bleep! I think I dislocated my uterus. bleep! bleep! bleep! Ah! I HATE THIS!"

And that's about how it went. Very pathetic; very whiney. If it weren't for the fact that I started blogging all this and people are paying attention, I wouldn't have gotten up this morning. Hell, I wouldn't have gotten past day 2.

This day is gonna suck. Looking forward to Archer tonight. It's a Pam episode. Should be good. Pam would totally kick TapouT's ass.
UPDATE! It was brought to my attention that this was very negative, even for me. There are concerns I won't continue the program. Let me clarify that my miserableness is not related to the workout. It's related to everything. The weather, my cats, my job, even the very air I breathe. I WILL be continuing working out with TapouT.
Tomorrow is a Rest Day. I'm going to rest, reflect and review. And probably eat something I shouldn't.



Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 5

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Our heroine is battered and bruised but not beaten.  She doesn't really get into that kind of thing.


Pre-workout mood: .

Day 5 is Legs & Back.

Of course it's Legs & Back today. I had my deep tissue massage last night. I really gotta plan these things better.

40:20 Warm up. Mike's wearing the Earned By Sweat t-shirt today. I look forward to getting mine in 12 weeks when I finish this. I've never worked so hard for a freaking t-shirt before. Geez, I hope they have girl t-shirts. If I have to cut into the collar of that Earned By Sweat t-shirt so I don't choke to death I'm gonna be pissed.
38:40 We're on the floor and I'm ok with that today. Drew got me a foam fitness mat from Dick's last night. That along with a folded up yoga mat makes all the difference for both my knees and my bruised lower back.
36:20 I've already decided I'm not using the resistance bands today. Gravity and my own weight is my resistance. I'll try it next time. Right now I want to workout and sweat and not hurt myself too badly.
34:00 Mike's got a half-naked guy in the front row to his right. His name is Shawn. Or Sean. Or Shaun. I don't know how he spells it. I'm going with Sean. Incidentally the same name of a new character in Book #2 which I will finish writing someday.
33:20 Plank Foot Jacks. Oh man! I was with you until this move. I can't even describe it. It's the inbred child of the plank position & jumping jacks.
<<It's absolutely crazy how fast the workout changes. I like it. I'm movin' a little faster today than last Saturday when I started too.>>
15:34 Mike's strippin'! Time to take off the shirt!
15:33 Ok, time to put mine back on!
14:20 Push Up Plyo Jack. WHAT?? Do a push up and a jumping jack at the same time? Are you psychotic? Hello, girly push-ups.
10:30 Side Push-Ups. I'm doin' the best I can. And I'm cryin' after two. Ouch.
KILLER MOVE: Superman/Knee Strike. Spread out like Superman then pop your entire body in the air. Mike looks like a hyperactive waterbug. How in the hell did he do that? It looks impossible. I mean, breaking the laws of physics impossible. And he gets some serious air there! Wow. I wussed out and just watched. Truly amazing. I cannot fathom ever being able to do that.

   That was a hard, sweaty workout. I'm pleased with it. So glad to have figured out how to do floor work without pain. 

   To not sneeze. I never knew you used every muscle in your body when you sneezed. I sneezed this morning and every sore muscle tensed up at the same time. I thought someone was going to have to call an ambulance.


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 4

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

With the first half of the six-day workout week behind her, our heroine heads bravely into the second half of Week One. She is rested and determined.


Pre-workout mood: Not too bad. Yoga last night was amazing. It stretched me out and loosened me up. I still doped myself to sleep last night...just in case.

Day 4 is Yoga XT.

Yoga Extreme Training? Really? What am I gonna do? Elbow my invisible opponent from tree pose? Crush monk ninja skulls with my thighs while in lotus? (Yeah, I know. I'm mixing up my cultures there. It's the MMA of creative license, if you will. But honestly, monk ninjas would be awesome.)

51:00 Warm up. Mike's wearing a black & grey shirt today. Is that Under Armor? He looks like a Mike today. Niiiiice.
40:00 Well, that was a nice warm up. Nothing I haven't done many times before. Feels so good to stretch. But the warm up's done so he's probably gonna go insane on us now.
37:00 Hmm, still not going gonzo on us. The music's soothing and Mike's not yelling. Thankfully I already know the names of the movements so I can follow along easily.
35:00 Ok, when I said easily I didn't mean it was simple. It's not! It's very challenging.
33:35 Warrior One! My favorite.
32:00 Sam's got a shirt on today. His looks nice too. Even with those abs covered up. Hmm. Oops. Supposed to be in down dog. Got distracted.
26:35 Why are there puncture marks in my yoga mat? It was brand new before I started these workouts. And there's a tear and...Sweetpea! Quit chewing on my yoga mat!
18:00 Yeah, I cannot physically do that...yet. I'll just do some upward dog/downward dog to stretch my back. You continue on without me guys.
14:05 On our knees? Aaaaaah! Aaah! Ah. Ok, not so bad today. Mostly because (thanks to my yogini's advice) I've found folding up an extra yoga mat to put under my knees helps immensely. I had no knee pain last night at yoga and very little this morning. Yay!
03:55 Sit ups? Ah, you're kidding. It was going so well! Oofah! 1 Oofah! 2 Oofah! 3 Oofa-wait a minute. Am I doing sit ups? Wow.
01:20 The final move. Rolling up from our backs to our butts, legs out, legs in, roll back. Well, I hate to say it, but no Mike. I'm not doing that. I killed my butt bone doing those kinds of things with you the past two days. I cannot physically roll back without tearing up. Give me a chance to heal. I'll do that with you next week. I promise.

   Well, that was a surprise! I really liked that workout. It was still hard and I struggled at times, but it was nice to do something intense that didn't involve jumping around like an arsehole, scaring my cats and waking up the neighbors. If I hadn't already been doing yoga, I think it would have intimidated the hell out of me.
   It can never be better than a workout with my yogini though! Because when we're done we get hugs. Ahhh. Even if I was there with the TapouT team exercising I don't think I'd hug either Mike or Sam though. Great abs, but sweaty. Really, really sweaty. Blech!

   World peace.


Monday, March 25, 2013

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 3

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Undeterred by Day 1 and Day 2, our heroine walks blindly into Day 3.


Pre-workout mood: I didn't sleep last night. Too hot. Too sore. Too...everything. Will have to take something tonight. I need sleep. I cannot believe I'm getting up early for this. I don't even get up this early for  vacations or flights. Grumble, grumble, grumble.

Day 3 is Plyo XT.

I have no idea what that means. Sounds like the name of an Anime show. Almost sounds fun! (I bet it isn't.)

51:00 Warm up. Good morning Mike! (Yes, that is the hottie instructor's actual name. He's too excited to be a Mike. He totally looks like a Steve to me this morning. Yep, Steeeeeve.) Plyo is legwork. Ok, cool. As long as there's no push-ups or sit-ups. What's that Mike? This is the hardest workout of them all? Oh, that's just effing great.

<<Ok, I'm not going to do a play-by-play today. It's not nearly as much fun as the previous two days. The exercises were difficult but nothing I couldn't do. Well, do as best I could. There were a couple that involved the knees hitting the floor. No freaking way! My knee caps are so sore they hurt when they touch the inside of my pants. I need knee pads or maybe even a rolled up towel next time for additional cushion. Or maybe...just maybe...fatty-fat-fat will buck-up and do push-ups the right way. Yeah, check back with me on day 60 about that.>>

Here are some of the things that I screamed at the TV set.
"Pop-up? Add an extra 100 pounds to your frame and we'll see how well you pop-up, you bleep."
"I can't do that. Ok, I'll try. Ow. Ow. Ow!"
"Lunge left and kick. Lunge right and kick. Lunge left and kick. Lunge right and--oops. Forgot to move the tower heater. Crap."
"Oh, for crying out loud! Mike! You do it. I'll just jog in place until you're done."
"Skater lunges! I got this! Aha! Um, how do I stop without falling over?"
"Isn't it about time you took your shirt off Mike? No? Damn. Ok, I'll stare at Sam instead. Na na."
"Jump up and land softly? Yeah, sure. Jump up and there goes the bookshelf. Jump up and there goes that picture on the wall. Jump up and I think the hubby just fell out of bed upstairs. Ha ha!"

   Well, that sucked. Ah, what can they expect. I'm fat. I do appreciate the fact that Mike is constantly on me about not quitting. You can pause, but don't stop. It does help. Even though I want to kick that bastard in the face, deep down inside there's a thin girl who appreciates the motivation.
   Tonight I have yoga with my buddies! My yogini will be lucky if she gets one sun salutation out of me. It'll probably take the entire half-hour class for me to get into down dog. At least from there I only have to fall over to reach shavasana.

   When I cut the collar of my employer-endorsed workout clothing (aka t-shirt we always get at the company picnic), take the shirt off first. I cut them because it feels like I'm choking when I wear them. I now have three shirts sporting a "stylish" 45-degree angle cut in the front of them. I'm amazed I haven't accidentally stabbed myself in the heart with the scissors yet. God, I can be a lazy idiot.


Sunday, March 24, 2013

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 2

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Having survived the self-inflicted horrors of Tapout Day 1, our fearful heroine wakes up to a brand new adventure-filled day.


Pre-workout mood: I hurt. Everything on me hurts. It even hurts to put my hair up. Why are we moving 

Day 2 is Strength & Force Upper + Ultimate Abs.

Well that sounds terrible.

53:45 Warm up. 53 minutes?!?!
53:44 OMG! These jumping jacks are killing me! My stomach hurts! Why does my bouncing stomach hurt? It didn't hurt yesterday! Oh, this is a great start.
53:05 Still warming up. Already wanna quit. Not really surprised. But my inner thin girl is being uber-supportive this morning. "Keep going, Fatty!"
50:20 Chest scoop. Requires resistance bands. Aha! I'm ready for you, still don't know your name. Ryan's wearing a red shirt today. Now he looks like a Greg. Anyway, got my band right here, so bring it Greg!
49:15 Push-ups. They are the bane of my existence. I have next-to-no arm strength for this. Just gonna do my pathetic girly push-ups.
48:30 Front raise with chest punch. Back up for some resistance band work. Oh, these suckers hurt. Super wobbly. Starting to grunt and grown already. I can feel four-letter words lining up in the back of my throat getting ready to be ejected at a high rate of speed.
47:10 Back down for more torture (aka floor work). Greg loves push-ups. Great. "You should probably marry it then and have little baby push-ups that can go out into the world and multiply and torture the entire planet. Jerk."
46:20 Back up again! I could get a complete workout just standing up and sitting down. I'm starting to turn into an old elderly lady. I should get life alert.
44:35 Ground and pound. Yep, more floor work. This is kinda fun though because it involves visualizing beating the crap out of someone. Surpringly, Greg, I find that easy to do.
43:40 Stand up, grab bands, torture the arms for a while. The bands are really starting to hurt. But Greg says you don't quit in Tapout! So I dropped the band. At this point I'd rather finish the exercise than rest or take a break. 
32:15 "Sweetpea! Stop chewing on my resistance band!"
16:25 Greg's half naked. When did he take off his shirt? Maybe it's his twin Ryan.
14:40 Snatch. This exercise is called snatch? Ha! Gregory Ryan said snatch.
08:00 "bleep you Gregory Ryan." I cannot physically get back down on the floor. I will just keep doing the last arm work exercise instead.
04:25 THE KILLER FINISHING MOVE! Ok, what are we doing today to make me feel even more pathetic. Karpenko Curls. What's that? Lay down flat on your back, resistance band wrapped around the bottom of my feet, curl hands up to chest. You mean, bicep curls??? I can do those! In your face, Gregory Ryan Marie! HAHA!
02:30 Cool down. Yeah, sure. Whatever you say Margaret.

There are tears on my cheeks as I press the play button for this workout. Ultimate Abs sounds like it should be an appetizer at TGIF. I bet this is going to hurt like hell.
15:45 Ok, only 15 minutes. How bad can this be?
13:45 I can't do that, you jerk! I'll just do crunches. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
12:25 Sweetpea, why are you licking my forehead? You are creeping me out.
11:15 Cowboy oblique crunches. Holy crap. Something I can do.
08:50 Crunch elbow. Ok, I can do this too. Sure, if you cheat. "Shut up inner bitch! No one invited you to this exercise class!"
07:50 Bader roll. AH! I broke my ass! OMG! That hurts! I'll just do crunches. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
03:05 THE KILLER FINISHING MOVE! GFO'S. I have no idea what that stands for, but it involves another imaginary fight. I'm all up for any exercise that involves fantasy violence. That gives me a great money-making idea! Twilight: The Workout Video. How many women would buy that crap? HAHA! Oh, are we doing a cool down now? Sorry dude. I got distracted.
00:00 "Woo hoo! I did it! Go Team Me! Sweetpea!! Goddammit!! Stop chewing on my resistance band!! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

  Well, I did it. It wasn't pretty, but I did do it. I've found that some exercises I can already do well. Anything with biceps. Other times I use the bands until I feel I have to stop then I drop them and continue without them. It's not surprising that just having to move my arms under their own weight is sometimes challenging enough. But I try hard not to stop completely because I've found the effects are quite demoralizing.
   Push-ups are the worst though. I just keep doing what little move I can and hope that someday I'll be able to do just one. Just one!
    My knees are killing me. It's not the standing up and sitting down that hurts them. It's not the lunges because I can do those quite well, actually. It doesn't hurt to walk or bend. It's having them on the floor. I have this problem at yoga too. My knees against the floor hurts. I know I have a lot of extra weight resting on them, but it's wicked painful. I've tried doubling-up on yoga mats and it still hurts. I need some kind of super-thick gym mat. Will have to look into something for that because it's really making these workouts a lot more painful and difficult than they already are. And God knows the last thing I need is one more reason to quit.

    Find out the hottie instructor's name. Especially if I'm gonna swear at him.


Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 1

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Who is Butterball? I am Butterball. When I was a baby my father used to call me his "little butterball." Why? I don't know. I asked him the other day and he couldn't remember either. I wasn't an extremely fat baby. I was actually quite a normal baby. And I didn't look anything like a frozen turkey. I was actually quite cute. Most babies look like alien pod creatures or cranky garden gnomes. I was cute. Until about age five. That was when it all started to go wrong.

I've spent the majority of my life fat and ugly and doing a lot of stupid things because of it. Mostly while attempting to correct the "fat and ugly" part. Today I've decided to write about it. Most of these stories are  about events that were painful and embarrassing to have gone through, but are usually hilarious when I tell them. Must be hilarious because they make everyone laugh. I'm sure they're laughing with me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~


I decided recently that I have to start exercising. My diet is at the point where I'm feeling good and I'm maintaining my weight. The problem is I actually need to lose weight. Quite a bit. About the equivalent of a new Kia. I could get up and get on the treadmill in the morning but that sounds boring and tedious and boring. I could do the Wii Fit 30-Day Challenge. I've only tried that three times and never gotten past Day #2. But why learn from past experience?!

So, what exercise am I going to do?

I decided to do TapouT XT. I watched an infomercial for it the other night and the guy is kind of good looking. (Yes, I am a student of the Jason C. School of Sexercise. Choose your exercise based on the hotness of the instructor!)

Honestly, TapouT XT was not designed for someone of my size or physical condition. It's meant to be done by someone who's already in moderately decent shape. I decided to do it anyway because if I stay this weight I'm going to die early, so I might as well do an exercise program that will make me feel like dying now.  My theory is if I survive, I was meant to be thin. (See. I told you I'm stupid.)

Day 1 started with the Cross Core Combat. It's a 45+ minute workout.

45:47 Warm-up
45:35 I'm already in hell. I used to be able to do jumping jacks for more than a minute without contemplating suicide. WTF?
41:05 The warm-up is done. Depression has already started to seep in with the realization that this was yet again...another stupid idea.
41:00 Snap push kicks. Ok, I got these! Bring it on!
39:55 Walk out to sphinx. I cannot possibly explain the complexity of this move. It involves planking and push-ups. It's insanely difficult. I did my best though.
38:25 Side plank with extension. The hot guy (whose name I still don't know - he looks like a Ryan - I'll call him Ryan) wants me to roll onto my side from a plank position and raise my arm into the air. I'm starting to hate Ryan.
37:20 Rotating knee strike. Ok, I lay on my back and then roll to the side and ram my knee into my invisible opponent. They said you don't need anymore space than your living room to do these workouts. I can't blame them for not knowing that my living room is the size of most people's bathrooms. I did successfully knee strike my couch though. Made a mental note to move more furniture out of the way next time.
36:15 Shift forward/Pop/Switch. I cannot physically pop up to a plank position when I'm on my elbows. It took me two minutes to stand up. But Ryan says a water break is coming up, so there is hope.
34:43 Plank what? Plank you Ryan.
33:50 WATER BREAK!! 
33:40 What do you mean the water break is done? I'm not off the damn floor yet! and I have to grab some resistance bands too? Where's the freaking pause button?!
<<The next ten minutes are spent looking for the resistance bands. I found a stockpile of four of them. None are marked for their resistance amount. After numerous tests, I decided they all suck. I picked red (because it's pretty!) and got into position.>>
33:19 Bob Bob Jab Cross. Yes! I can totally do this! In your face! Bob! Bob! Jab! Cross! Oof. The resistance band slipped out from under my foot and snapped my own gut. I have a red welt on my stomach. Thanks for the reality check, resistance band!
32:05 Sphinx/Pop-up Down. They also call this move Load and Explode. I called it Banging My Invisible Girlfriend. I couldn't do the move because I was laughing too hard. Ryan really gets into it. Laughing harder!
31:20 Superman roll/leg punch. Lay on the floor in a Superman pose, then you roll over, punch while kicking the coffee mug off the table. Yay! I can do this! I'm so psyched I start grunting, groaning and screaming at the TV. "Yeah! bleep you Ryan!" Roll! Punch! "bleep you!"
29:40-08:11 I don't remember anything that happened in the next 20 minutes. I might have passed out. My brain might have shut down in denial that I was exercising. Not sure.
08:10 Crunch ankle/slap knee strike. I gave him the ankle slap but the knee strike wasn't happening. I was on the verge of tears. But Ryan begged. "Hang in there!" So I did.
06:00 Today's exercise ended with The Grinder which is Death by Push-up. I did "girl push-ups" instead at a slow-ass pace. My hatred for Ryan slowly dissipates as I realize the living room carpet really needs hoovering.
03:05 Cool down. 
An hour later...cooled down.

In all fairness, Ryan really is a decent instructor. He gave alternative movements for those of us that couldn't do the real deal. He was encouraging and said several times..."Go at your own pace, but don't stop." And I found him very motivational.

Well, that was a learning experience.  I learned that I need to move more furniture out of the way.  I need to position my yoga mat better, or use a couple mats because the rug is too slippery for floor exercises.  And I learned, most importantly, that I can push myself when needed. My body can do these things if I actually try. I can't do them nearly as well as Ryan and his gang of expert exercisers, but I can do them. I know it's only Day One, but I'm actually looking forward to doing more TapouT exercises. Someday I'll see improvement and that's my goal. Just to improve.


Daddy and Butterball


Saturday, March 16, 2013

More Dress Cards

I made a few more dress cards today.  I love making dress cards.

This one I dressed up with a hat too!

Hot pink and black!!!

And a couple poodle skirts in light pink and black!!  (I have no idea why this photo is so bad.  My photographs are usually subpar but this is horrible even for me!  I'd go re-take it but that's like exercise.  Bleh!)

The poodle came from the Sassy & Seasonal stamp set from Stampin' Up.  It's the first stamp set I ever bought so I could make my own Christmas cards that year.  At the time everyone was sure I wouldn't do it.  Apparently very few beginners make the cards they claim they will.  I did and continue to do so every year.  Not everyone gets one because it can be time consuming, but I do make cards every year for Xmas.

After making cards, Drew and I sat down to dinner in front of the TV set.  We watched RBS 6 Nations rugby.  Wales vs. England.  It was an intense first half.  I love both teams, but have to root for Wales.  The second half was a blow out and Wales won 30-3, winning the 6 Nations Championship!  YAY!!!

I hear there's some basketball on too.  I don't know.  I don't really follow it.  ;)

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Bridal Shower Centerpiece

A friend of mine asked if I could think of any ideas for centerpieces for her future daughter-in-law's bridal shower.  I said, "Probably."  This is what I came up with...

It's exactly one foot tall and it's gorgeous!!  It looks terrible lopsided, but it's not.  I'm looking at it right now and it doesn't look like that.  As regular visitors to my blog know, my photography skills are horrendous.  This centerpiece is so lovely that I debated calling Jason over to photograph it for me. 

Here's a close up of the front.  I used Stampin' Up silver glimmer paper, four pearl and one diamond gem.  The ribbon is violet in color.  It was my first attempt at putting one of these together and I know how to make it easier and prettier if I have to make anymore.

This is a closeup of the back.  There's pearl "buttons" down the back and a violet bow.

The finished product is absolutely beautiful!!  The idea for the project came from Diana Gibbs over at Stamping With Di.  I wish I knew what tulle she used.  It looks softer and easier to use.  But I'm very pleased with how this came out.  If the bride-to-be likes them and wants me to make them for her shower, I may have to enlist my papercrafting friends to help me out.  :)

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Dress Cards

This is the blog post my mother's been waiting for.  Dress Cards!  These cards were designed using Stampin' Up Dress Up framelits, DSP, polka dot embossing folder and Glimmer Paper, and Spellbinders Oval Nestabilities.

Below is a cute black and yellow polka dot dress.  The black top was run through my Big Kick using the polka dot embossing folder.  The accent is a flower button with a sticky pearl on top.

Below is a black and white club dress.  I used the silver glimmer paper and cut the cleavage out with the large heart punch from Stampin Up.  I used a black ink pad to make the bottom black.  You can see it's still sparkly though.  Then I glued both pieces back together.  Three sticky silver gems accent the neck.

Below is all red glimmer paper with five sticky red gems for the necklace.  The polka dot paper is actually a clear plastic sheet with black polka dots on it.  It's neat paper because it's kind of shiny and it can turn any solid color paper into polka dot paper.  The red background paper was run through in the polka dot embossing folder.

This is the dress that started it all.  The silver glimmer paper bride's dress.  The necklace is four sticky pearls and one sticky silver gem.  Attach lace a ribbon and a flower.  The background red & white polka dot paper is much more complimentary in person.  It's a lot less pink looking than the picture shows.  It's gorgeous!

This is what I would refer to as a "hot mess."  It was supposed to look like a ruffle club dress.  Instead it looks like it's already been to the club, drunk, and barfed in the bathroom.  It's a little prettier in person, but not much.  

Those are the dress cards!  So much fun to make!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Blah Blah Blah and Bacon!

I rarely discuss anything too personal anymore on my blog.  For one reason, no one wants to hear it.  Unless it's really funny.  It rarely ever is.  Or it's too personal.  And despite the whole "freedom of speech" and "there's no law on the internet" bullpucky, I don't feel the need to start offending people.  Especially the ones I actually know.  There's a fine line between being yourself and being an arsehole.  I'm not in the mood to cross it today.

Then there's the stuff that is WAY too personal.  My mother already knows enough about that.  (Hello!  I take after you!)  Plus, if I'm gonna talk about all the filth that runs through my head (and lately there's a lot, thanks to my recent goal of Bestselling Funny Smut Novelist), then I'll start a blog under a false name, make myself a sexy 32-year-old sub looking for a hot Dom who roleplays in full Rugby garb.  The safe-word is bruschetta.  (Mom, if you don't know what that means, ask Amy.  She'll be more than happy to explain.)

But the biggest reason I don't blog personal blah blah blah is because it seems every time I do whatever I blogged about becomes a lie.  Like blogging about getting healthy --- I immediately get fatter.  Like blogging about being happy --- I become a miserable byotch.  Granted, both those examples could be explained through self-destructive behavior.  And that may be true.  I've had mood swings since I was a teenager so it's hard to know.  Maybe it's me; maybe it's Maybelline.  But sometimes it's neither.

I blogged recently about being wheat, milk, soy & sugar intolerant.  Mostly to explain why I would be posting other related articles, like reviews of gluten-free food and recipes.  I had mentioned how Ashley at Riverview Wellness in Oswego had diagnosed me six-months ago and I haven't been sick since.  For the most part I've been pretty happy and awake.  I'm now a morning person.  WHO THE FRICK WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT THAT WOULD HAPPEN?!?  I was famous at work for being the person you don't talk to before 10 am.  Sometimes 2 pm.  Now I hop out of bed, make breakfast (I COOK BREAKFAST!) and arrive at work awake.  Not always happy --- I mean, it is work --- but at least I'm awake.

Two days after that post Ashley informed me she's moving to Florida.  In fact, she's leaving today.  I had my last appointment with her Wednesday.  We reviewed where I started and how far I've come.  It's amazing what we've accomplished in just six months.  No one has more faith in me and what I can do than Ashley.  She's just that kind of beautiful optimistic person.  Thanks to her support I've made some fantastic life-style changes that have made me a better, healthier person.

But now she's moved on.  She's always wanted to live in the sun and she's in a place in her life where she can follow that dream.  I will miss her but I'm so happy for her.  Because she's taught me that I can do the same thing.  So, it's time to put on my big-girl panties (like I have any other size - Haha!) and do this on my own now.  Actually, I have lots of support from Drew, my Mom & Dad, my little sister, and my friends, but in the end it all comes down to me.

Here we go!  Let's see if I'm lying.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

If you got this far, thanks for visiting my blog.  In appreciation, here's a bit of fun.  The BaconLube Taste Test!  If this Bestselling Funny Smut Novelist thing doesn't work out I think I might apply for a job in this place.  I would personally down an entire bottle of BaconLube in exchange for never having to call Medicaid New Jersey ever again!!

Happy Saturday!