Drew, Stacey and I are doing a 5-day juicing challenge this week. The challenge is being run by a well-known international organization that specializes in juicing and blending. I’m not going to mention them right now because I want to be able to be as frank about this as possible, and if I fear offending someone, it won’t be nearly as much fun to complain.
What is a 5-day juicing challenge?
It’s where for 5-days you drink only the liquid by-product of the fruits and veggies that you cram into a juicer.
Why would you do this to yourself?
Because I was having too much fun eating and drinking stuff I actually like.
You got me! It’s because the stuff I like to eat and drink will eventually kill me. And not in forty years, but four. Maybe less. So I’m juicing for 5-days as a way to give my body a little break from the usual crap. Maybe give it back a spark of energy. A starting point to something better.
That sounds much better!
Great. You believe my bullshit too. Excellent. Welcome to Team Burger Junkie.
Maybe you should get to the point of this...
Oh yeah. I’ve decided to chronicle my juicing week. Because apparently I didn’t have enough stuff to bitch about already.
September 10, 2016 - Pre-Pre-Day One
Drew and I went shopping for our veggies.
I've never had that many vegetables in my shopping cart at one point in time
when Mrs. Marzetti's dip has not been involved.
During our quest to deforest the produce department at Wegman’s, we ran into our friends Nick and Kelly.
First thing out of their mouths… “Hey! Hi! How’s it going?”
Second thing… “What the hell are you doing?”
My reply… “Stocking a vegan food pantry???”
I confessed what we were doing. Kelly’s response was completely appropriate… “You are going to be so miserable. I’ll avoid you for a few days.”
I don’t blame her.
It’s true that when you juice, the first 2-3 days make you feel nauseous, head-achy, and homicidal. This is because you’re giving up all the stuff you’re addicted to -- caffeine, sugar, fat, carbs, alcohol, the will to live. Thankfully the diet doesn’t mention having to give up porn. So, I’ve got that going for me.
Him: I've got a 5-Day Man-Juice Challenge for you, baby.
Her: Ok. Just as long as I don't have to drink coconut water.
September 11, 2016 - Pre-Day One
Drew and I prepped our Breakfast, Lunch, and Snack juices for the next day. It took an hour and we ended up with just as much juice on the counter and floor as our drink containers. (16oz water bottles)
Tomorrow night we have a better plan to make our juices without getting in each other's way.
Assuming I make it to tomorrow night...
TO BE CONTINUED...
COMING TOMORROW: DAY ONE, AKA THE DAY I LEARNED THAT VEGETABLES HAVE SOULS