Tuesday, September 13, 2016

5-Day Juicing Challenge : Day One

The continuing adventure of Drew, Stacey, and Stephanie's 5-Day Juicing Challenge

September 12, 2016 - Day One

Breakfast: Carrot, Red Peppers, Apple, Orange, Ginger
Not that bad, actually. It tastes a lot like carrot going down, and red peppers ALL morning long. Yes, the aftertaste is a bit harsh. By noon, I’d drunk a half-gallon of water trying to wash the taste away. I’m not a huge fan of peppers unless dip or a cheese steak sub is involved. (I wonder if you can juice a cheese steak sub???)

Stacey Tip: It’s worth noting for anyone that’s seriously considering doing this… juice the night before so your meal will be nice and cold! It’s a lot better cold. Or at least it can't be any worse.

Morning Snack: Coconut Water
I have tried natural coconut water before. For the uninitiated, coconut water doesn’t taste like coconut or water. It tastes like boiled vegan hot dog broth. Pretty damn vile. I bought the coconut water with orange this time! It’s orange-flavored vile.

Why are you drinking it???
For all the wonderful properties that coconut water does provide.
1. It’s a powerhouse of electrolytes. Aka Nature’s Gatorade. Which I guess is good. I don’t actually know what in the heck an electrolyte is. Sounds like an ACDC elevator music cover band.
2. Coconut water packs a lot of potassium. My grandmother once read that if you eat a banana before bed that you’ll have more vivid dreams. Is that because of the potassium? I don’t know. It’s the only fact I know that could possibly be related to potassium, and honestly, I think granny was crazy as a loon.
3. It’s hydrating! This is true! After you drink coconut water, you’ll need to douse your mouth and stomach out using a garden hose to get rid of the taste. Tada! Hydration!
4. The most unique property of coconut water is it’s ability to be refrigerated for 48 hours and to still taste like it’s at room termperature. It’s fucking magical!!

Lunch: Cucumber, Romaine, Pineapple, Apple, Lime
The smell of a freshly mown lawn is a mixed bag of feelings. For one thing, it’s a sign of a sunny summer day! But for others, it’s the catalyst for an allergy attack. However, I doubt anyone has ever inhaled that green, earthy scent and thought, “I wish I could capture this in a glass and drink it for lunch.”

And then I tasted it.

You know all that stuff I just said about Coconut Water being vile? I take it back. All of it. Unreservedly. Vile has a new definition. It’s called, “Side salad au jus.” Coconut Water is now the delicacy in this meal plan.

I thought I was going to be physically sick. I went to the bathroom, fully prepared to hurl lunch into the toilet. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and said, “Oh, buck up, fatass. You created this mess. Deal. With. It.” And for once, I was right. Besides, it’s just juice. It’s gonna pass out the other end soon enough. As long as I’m in the bathroom, might as well hang out since I’ll be back in a half-hour.

The result of my little pep-talk? Lunch stayed down. Which is a good thing because I have to drink this crap for dinner too.

Note for future victims: Peel the cucumber. It might help. I didn’t peel it because I juiced that honkin’ thing, but I think the flavor of the bitter peel still ended up in my drink.

Afternoon Snack: More of that breakfast shit
You know what would make this carrot and red pepper concoction better? Ranch dressing. I wonder if anyone’s ever added a packet of dry ranch dressing to this. Probably not. There’s probably a good reason for that too.
Benjamin Moore calls this color Festive Orange.
Benjamin Moore's obviously never found himself wiping this 
color off his ass after the tenth trip to the bathroom.

Post Afternoon Snack: The recommended adult dosage of Ibuprofen and Excedrin Migraine
Measure it out in your hand. Swallow it raw like a boss.

Dinner: More of that lunch shit
After comparing my lunch shit to Drew’s lunch shit, we decided that my drink didn’t get nearly as much pineapple juice as it should have. So I added more. It made it more tolerable. Not as tolerable as a steak and baked potato would have been but more tolerable than having a red-hot poker shoved up my ass. Not that it was really an option today.

Evening Snack: Sweet Potatoes, Apples, Oranges, Carrots, Cinnamon
More effing carrots. Cheese and rice. This is ridiculous. I just cannot take anymore... oh, hey... this is good! Maybe this is the hunger and disappointment talking, but this juice is actually pretty good! Huh. Go figure. Maybe I can get through this.

Day One: Damage Report, Sponsored by Imodium
Me - Massive Headache, Dizziness, Sudden Urges to Strangle Innocent Bystanders, Drank Everything and Still Alive.
Stacey - Crushing Headache, Dizziness, Lost Last Hope for Mankind, Drank Everything and (last I checked) Still Alive.
Drew - Fine, No Problems, Quite Peppy, Drank Everything Without Complaint, Wife Has Not Killed Him Yet.... yet.