Sunday, April 7, 2013

The Adventures of Butterball: This Time Stupid Wasn't My Fault!

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

If you've been keeping track, great.  If not, here's the summary:

1. So far I've completed two weeks of TapouT XT workouts. I decided to adjust the workout schedule this week so certain workouts and the rest day will fall on better days in my schedule.  Week 3 will begin this Tuesday.
2. I've not seen any tremendous change in my body statistics, but my energy levels have been through the roof!
3. Jason proposed a "friendly" weight loss challenge. I stupidly said, "Yeah, why not?"
4. Weigh-in #1. Thanks to a bowel movement the size of Kelly's preemie twins (combined!), Temporarily Fat Jason is leading Butterball 4.8 pounds to 2.5. Abuse has been dealt and taken, though not very gracefully. It wasn't even 48 hours before comments deteriorated to immature levels that included potty-humor and unflattering sex jokes. Just the kind of things you'd expect from us. Pam was officially disgusted a long time ago.
5. I ruined my feet.
6. I'm having a craving for lasagna and a loaf of garlic bread. I won't eat it because it will likely kill me, or at least feel that way. But I want it. I sense I will be doing something as dramatically bad for my health that won't involve wheat, soy, milk, or sugar. Like a couple dozen chicken wings. Or a bunless burger with a pound of bacon on top.
7. Oh, didn't I tell you about #5? Let me tell you about #5.

It was a beautiful Saturday morning. The kind of Saturday that after the long, dark, cold month of March you don't care if it's only 40 degrees outside, the sun is shining and you're not wearing a coat, dammit! The kind of bright, sunny day that leads one to think, "Let's drive to Onondaga Lake Park and briskly walk the five mile circuit!"  "Yes! Let's do that!"

One forty minute drive later...

0.00 mile starting point...

"Ah, what a beautiful day! It's a little nippy out."
"You'll warm up soon."
"Sure. Wow, that breeze does whip up off that lake, doesn't it? Probably should have brought a hoodie, or something. Nevermind! We'll just enjoy nature in all her glory! Breathe in! Breathe out!"

0.50 miles later...

"Yep. Shoulda brought a coat." *sniff sniff* And tissues."

1.00 miles later...

"How's your knee? Bothering you?"
"A little."
"Yeah, me too. Not bad enough to turn around though. We'll walk it off. It'll be fine."

1.50 miles later...

"It's not fine. Let's turn around." *sniff sniff* "Give me your sleeve Drew."
"Uh, no."

2.00 miles later...

"You ok Steph?"
"My shoes are riding my heels. Starting to hurt. This sucks."

2.50 miles later...

"Oh my God! What the hell?! I wear these sneakers all the time! I workout in them! I wear them to work sometimes! They've never bothered me!"
I proceeded to walk as carefully as I can without moving the sneakers. I look like I was born with some kind of degenerative disease in my legs.
I debated taking my shoes off but didn't really want to risk getting some kind of dog-piss virus. 
Then I debated making Drew carry me to the car but I seriously doubt that even Ronon-Conan-Dronon-or-whatever-the-hell-his-name-was-in-Game-of-Thronon would be able to carry a 250 pound woman a half mile much less my husband. Not that he wouldn't try.

3.00 miles later...

Crying now.
"What the bleep is wrong with the Universe?! What did I ever do to it?! All I want to do is exercise and get healthy! It can't just give me one bleeping break, can it?! Look at this Drew! LOOK AT THIS!"
I pulled down the back of my sock to show him the skin that was already peeling away from the bloody blister on the back of my ankle.
"Wow! You know you didn't have to show me."
"I didn't want you to think I was just a whiner."
"I believed you! We need to get you some bandaids or something."
*sniff sniff* "Just give me the tissues."
"How are your calves?"
"Well, that's good, right?"
"Yeah, that's just God-bleep bleeping incredible."

So, Team Butterball is a hurtin' camper today. I was going to try the Power 90 Fat Burning Express and decided to work on my book and feel sorry for myself instead. Because that's proven to work so well in the past! Ha! The only shoes I can wear are my slippers. Oh, my co-workers are gonna love that. Looks like flip-flop season's come early this year.


Can I get this beer-battered and deep fried with a side of bacon and mayo?