Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Adventures of Butterball: Stupid, Take Two!

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Hey. Remember me? It's been a while. Almost three weeks since I've done any TapouT XT workout. Almost two weeks since I've kayaked (but that's mostly because of cold, lousy weather). Almost a week since I've eaten a vegetable and only three hours since I've eaten something I shouldn't. And I'm back to publicly announce that I forgive myself...again!...and to declare my renewed interest in getting back into the ring for another fight to get my life back on track. Blah blah blah. Fart jiggle squint.

What happened? What do you think? I came down with a case of idontgiveafuckitis. Symptoms include low self-esteem, lack of enthusiasm and diarrhea. (Although the latter was discovered to be the after-effect of too much coffee. Yay.)

There is some good news. I no longer have an intolerance for wheat, soy, milk and sugar so I can eat almost everything again. The bad news is I CAN EAT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING AND I WILL!!! I was bitter when I couldn't eat lasagna, but now nothing's keeping me from eating the whole damn pan. Except for maybe that slice I'll give Drew. Maybe two if he rubs my feet later.

In my pursuit of good health, great abs, and a mediocre view from behind I've discovered a lot of things. Some good; some bad. Knowledge is a good thing though...usually.

#1 Blogging about the pursuit of your dreams and goals is highly motivating. Mainly because of the fear of having to publicly admit you failed. There were many, many mornings that I did not want to get up and workout but the thought of having to tell people that I didn't do it got my butt out of bed. And in the beginning a lot of people would check on me daily. I did NOT want to say to them, "Oh, I wussed out." I loved shocking them with my workouts.
    Over time I stopped blogging and posting updates on Facebook. Mostly because I had nothing new to say. I figured if it wasn't funny it wasn't worth posting. But when I think about it people were just as supportive when I was just admitting to a new workout benefit, such as increased energy or being able to climb the stairs without dying on the first landing, as the funny bits. I think the most comments I got were about the gloves photo, and I almost didn't post that because it seemed stupid. But stupid is what I do! So I posted away and the negative ignorant soul-sucking life-draining vampires can kiss my big, fat, hairy ass.

#2  I never realized the true extent of the benefits of my workouts. Yes, I had more energy. Yes, I was happier and more emotionally stable. I just never knew how much until now. I'd been pampering myself for my hard work with home spa treatments and splurging on mega-healthy treats that might cost a little more. But those things weren't just rewards and little "thank you's" to myself, they were part of the reason I was doing so much better. Like the rest, little by little they went to the wayside and it wasn't until I hit bottom again that I noticed how much it meant to me.

#3  Exercise + Water + Sleep = the fucking obvious. Oh, who the hell am I kidding! There's no surprises in any of this. The surprise is that I'm going to try this again. Not again, but pick up where I left it off.

I wish I had something mind-blowing to end with or that I could promise you this will never happen again, but I am human. And stupid. And a chronic life-lesson repeater. And still fat. So, let the next lesson begin.

Why don't you just give up this charade and accept who you are? The only people who say "I'm happy with who I am and if people don't like it they can go to hell" are assholes. Really. Think about it. Everyone can use a little improvement. Right now my mother's thinking I should probably stop swearing. I could. If you are who you are, then you're a dick. Fix yourself and you'll be amazed how much around you gets fixed in the process. If nothing else, it'll flesh out your friends from the negative ignorant soul-sucking life-draining vampires faster than I can down a bowl of ice cream.

Damn. I could really go for a 5-Scoop Reese' Pieces Sundae with Chocolate Almond Chip Ice Cream right now.

Drew! How late is Friendly's open?!