The Adventures of Butterball: The Cheeto Dust Weight Loss Challenge - Week Two

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid, plus-sized girl. Enjoy! *

Last week on Cheeto Dust Weight Loss Challenge...

I've entered a weight loss challenge with some of my male co-workers. So far I'm in the lead with a 10.5 pound loss, which is 3.88% of my body weight. I am determined that by the end of March I will come out on top of all 14 of these guys. 

That's what she said!

Shut up, Hoyt!!!

THE CHEETO DUST WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE

WEEK TWO

Having firmly established my eating plan of a healthy fruit and veggie smoothie for breakfast, I've decided to take it to the next level.

A healthy fruit and veggie smoothie for breakfast AND lunch. * Cue dramatic music. *

Drew wasn't interested in the smoothie lunch, so he had to figure out what to eat for himself. I continued to make smoothies for both of us for breakfast though.

Honestly, it wasn't that hard for me. I enjoy the smoothies, and I've never felt so good since drinking them. My brain isn't in a complete fog all the time. I'm wide awake. I have more energy. My co-worker Pam wants to strangle me because I babble non-stop. Like a 15-year old girl whose woken up one morning and discovered that the boy who sits in front of her in English smells like a man. I am just that hyper all the time now. It's no wonder that Drew supports my health eating plan 100%!

Another interesting side effect of drinking two green smoothies a day? I poop green. I do. I poop out foliage. It's like broccoli soup. Weird.

Here's my new recipe this week. It's for the juicer. Drew hates it, but I like it.

Sweet Potato Blast

Servings: 2

1 sweet potato, cubed
2 apples
1 red, yellow or orange bell pepper
3 clementines

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Exercise has picked up. And I'm not just talking about my bouncing off the walls (although that's gotta burn up some serious calories after two or three hours). I went back to yoga on Monday night. I haven't been to a class since October. It was interesting. I'd forgotten how challenging it can be.

Bend over and touch the floor.
Yeah, I can do that.
...with your feet together, toes touching.
Well, now I can't. My thighs are in the way.
Kneel, bend forward, arms stretched out in front of you, and breathe.
I can't! My tits are suffocating me!
Go down on one knee...
Mother-puss-bucket! That's a lot of weight for one knee, lady!
Stretch to the side, push your hip forward.
I'm heavily lopsided at this point. Oh crap. Mayday! Mayday! We're going down!
That's what she sai--
HOYT! And get out of my head!
Now the other knee...
ME..SWEARING..BIG..BAD..WORDS..AAAARGHHH!!!
Sit, legs stretched out in front of you, bend forward, try to get your chin to your knees.
I would, but my stomach is already there. I can set my chin on my chest which is currently being pushed up into my face. Charming. You know, somewhere there's a guy who'd pay a lot of money to wank off to this. One guy. Somewhere. Who fulfills that market niche.

I do actually enjoy yoga. My yogini is very understanding and patient with regards to the challenges I bring to class each week. I never give up though. I adjust. I do the best I can. And occasionally -- just occasionally -- I surprise her. But mostly I make faces and flip her off. That's how she knows she's doing a good job!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

On Wednesday night, I got a haircut. For fun, I weighed myself before and after the haircut. 0.6 pounds lost. And here it is!!!

It looks like someone murdered a Tribble.

While cutting my hair, my hairdresser Jennifer made an interesting discovery...

"You have some curly hair back here."
"I've seen those. A couple strands that are wicked curly?"
"There's a bunch. And they're in clumps."
She held up a clump for me to see.
"Wow! Does that mean I'm getting old?! Is that old people hair?!"
"No." Pause. "I won't tell you what they look like." Snicker.
"OH MY GOD! I HAVE HEAD PUBES!"

Yep! Apparently I'm growing pubic hair on my head now. Fantastic! Drew can't grow any hair on his head, but I can grow ALL of it there. Ugh.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Monday, January 20th : Weigh-In Day!!!

This week I weighed in at... 262 pounds??? I went up 2 pounds? For crying out loud! I'm no longer in the lead. I'm not far behind though. Oh well. I still feel a lot better, so I'll keep trudging along doing what I do.

Still Happy!
Steph

The Adventures of Butterball: JUNE!!!

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Everyone knows by now that I'm a huge fan of "fresh starts." I love to purge. I can have a "Spring Cleaning Day" anytime of the year. Instead of just one day though, I want a whole month. A whole month of purging and starting over and working on bad habits and being just happy me doing weird things.

I've decided to make my month JUNE!!! Why June? It has 30 days. There are a buttload of 30 day challenges out there. Most of them aren't what I'm interested in. I could care less about posting pictures on Facebook for 30 days. In fact, I might avoid Facebook for 30 days. I've done a decent job of ignoring it for the past week already.

Ok. So here's the challenges I've decided to do in June. Note I said challengessssss. I'm not just doing one. Oh know. That's not stupid enough. I'm doing my own personalized buttload. I encourage people to join me! Make your own buttload.

THE ULTIMATE 30 DAY CHALLENGE

CHALLENGE #1 - THE WORKOUT CHALLENGE
Workout at least once a day. It must be a legitimate workout. Legitimate to me is:
  1. Kayaking
  2. TapouT XT
  3. Walking/Jogging on the treadmill/outside
  4. Yoga
  5. Some other exercise that is in some way a benefit to me physically and gets me out of my chair
Not included are the additional workout challenges below or walking on my 15 minute breaks at work. I will count it if I walk at least a half-hour at lunch. Why that? Because I hate it. This is about getting me to do something that's not routine. Something I will likely complain about but will be grateful for when it's done.

CHALLENGE #2 - THE SQUAT CHALLENGE
I am not jazzed with how the 30 Day Squat Challenges I've seen online work. They have a rest day. Squats only take 5 minutes. Why do you need a rest day? It just makes things confusing, so I made up my own challenge.

CHALLENGE #3 - THE CRUNCH CHALLENGE
Same thing as the Squat Challenge, but with Crunches. Again, made my own. No rest for people who don't need more excuses to do so.

CHALLENGE #4 - THE HEALTHY EATING CHALLENGE
Do not order any take-out or get any fast-food or eat out for the month.
Exceptions: Any parties we are scheduled to attend (ie. bridal shower, graduation party, Zom-Prom), Friday lunch with the homies.
The purpose of this challenge is to get us to cook more at home and prepare lunches for work. I have been uber-lazy about this and it needs to stop. Even if I'm not cooking something particularly healthy it's still better than fast-food. And cheaper. There is the money factor to consider here too.

CHALLENGE #5 - THE WRITING CHALLENGE
Write everyday. Novels/Short Stories: 1,000 words. Screenplays: 10 pages. Whatever I feel like writing that day. I'm gonna give myself some leeway on this too because some nights there is no time for this but if I can make it up on the following night/weekend then huzzah. Success.

CHALLENGE #69 - THE SEX CHALLENGE
Haha! I'm just kidding. There is none. I asked Drewbert about it (sort of as a joke) and he was like, "Ok!" But I realize that Challenge #5 will probably keep me up later than him sometimes and if I have to stop writing just to go bang him for a challenge then it's gonna make me cranky. And I'm sure it's no surprise to anyone that Drewbert was still ok with that.
Then again, there is the laughably awkward factor to consider when addressing friends/co-workers who have read this. Because someone's gonna wanna ask how the challenge is going. Hmm... Might reconsider actually doing this. *snicker*

So, that's the plan for June. It's only 10:45 am on 6/1/13 I'm already starting to regret it. HAHA! Such stupid fun!!

The Adventures of Butterball: Stupid, Take Two!

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Hey. Remember me? It's been a while. Almost three weeks since I've done any TapouT XT workout. Almost two weeks since I've kayaked (but that's mostly because of cold, lousy weather). Almost a week since I've eaten a vegetable and only three hours since I've eaten something I shouldn't. And I'm back to publicly announce that I forgive myself...again!...and to declare my renewed interest in getting back into the ring for another fight to get my life back on track. Blah blah blah. Fart jiggle squint.

What happened? What do you think? I came down with a case of idontgiveafuckitis. Symptoms include low self-esteem, lack of enthusiasm and diarrhea. (Although the latter was discovered to be the after-effect of too much coffee. Yay.)

There is some good news. I no longer have an intolerance for wheat, soy, milk and sugar so I can eat almost everything again. The bad news is I CAN EAT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING AND I WILL!!! I was bitter when I couldn't eat lasagna, but now nothing's keeping me from eating the whole damn pan. Except for maybe that slice I'll give Drew. Maybe two if he rubs my feet later.

In my pursuit of good health, great abs, and a mediocre view from behind I've discovered a lot of things. Some good; some bad. Knowledge is a good thing though...usually.

#1 Blogging about the pursuit of your dreams and goals is highly motivating. Mainly because of the fear of having to publicly admit you failed. There were many, many mornings that I did not want to get up and workout but the thought of having to tell people that I didn't do it got my butt out of bed. And in the beginning a lot of people would check on me daily. I did NOT want to say to them, "Oh, I wussed out." I loved shocking them with my workouts.
    Over time I stopped blogging and posting updates on Facebook. Mostly because I had nothing new to say. I figured if it wasn't funny it wasn't worth posting. But when I think about it people were just as supportive when I was just admitting to a new workout benefit, such as increased energy or being able to climb the stairs without dying on the first landing, as the funny bits. I think the most comments I got were about the gloves photo, and I almost didn't post that because it seemed stupid. But stupid is what I do! So I posted away and the negative ignorant soul-sucking life-draining vampires can kiss my big, fat, hairy ass.

#2  I never realized the true extent of the benefits of my workouts. Yes, I had more energy. Yes, I was happier and more emotionally stable. I just never knew how much until now. I'd been pampering myself for my hard work with home spa treatments and splurging on mega-healthy treats that might cost a little more. But those things weren't just rewards and little "thank you's" to myself, they were part of the reason I was doing so much better. Like the rest, little by little they went to the wayside and it wasn't until I hit bottom again that I noticed how much it meant to me.

#3  Exercise + Water + Sleep = the fucking obvious. Oh, who the hell am I kidding! There's no surprises in any of this. The surprise is that I'm going to try this again. Not again, but pick up where I left it off.

I wish I had something mind-blowing to end with or that I could promise you this will never happen again, but I am human. And stupid. And a chronic life-lesson repeater. And still fat. So, let the next lesson begin.

Why don't you just give up this charade and accept who you are? The only people who say "I'm happy with who I am and if people don't like it they can go to hell" are assholes. Really. Think about it. Everyone can use a little improvement. Right now my mother's thinking I should probably stop swearing. I could. If you are who you are, then you're a dick. Fix yourself and you'll be amazed how much around you gets fixed in the process. If nothing else, it'll flesh out your friends from the negative ignorant soul-sucking life-draining vampires faster than I can down a bowl of ice cream.

Damn. I could really go for a 5-Scoop Reese' Pieces Sundae with Chocolate Almond Chip Ice Cream right now.

Drew! How late is Friendly's open?!

The Adventures of Butterball: The Great Race XXXVI

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

This week wasn't a great week for me. My back was hurting so much that I made the decision to put off the workouts, hoping the soreness would heal. It didn't. So not only did I not workout this week but my back is still incredibly sore and my diet went all the heck also. 

I'm not gonna whine about it or make up excuses. The fact was I felt like crap and decided to give it a break. The fact that my doctor told me not to expect to see significant changed for MONTHS, did not help. But she was uber supportive and encouraged me to keep doing it because there are obvious benefits to it.

Oh, and my yearly labwork came back normal. Completely normal. As in, cholesterol was good, thyroid was good, sugar was good. Everything = good. No fat diseases. No not-fat diseases. I'm sure that would come as a huge shock to anyone who's ever seen me. I'm sure they're thinking, "Come on! You at least have to be pre-diabetic." Nope. Not even close. So shove it, racist.

There's not weigh-in for this week, not because I was being lazy, but Thursday night I went out with my co-workers to Spaghetti Warehouse for the Murder Mystery Dinner. It was a lot of fun! So glad we went. But it meant not going to the church for my weekly meeting and missing out on getting weighed in. I'll weigh-in next week.

But not to worry. I'll be back on it next week, repeating the week I partially skipped. No big deal.

Meanwhile, it's time to do something stupid. Like...join a Great Race team. 

Some of you might remember that I kayaked in Great Race XXXIII. The other members of my team were Drew on bike and Jason was our runner. This year is Great Race XXXVI and Kate will be on bike and Jason again will be the runner. We're very excited about it. I won't reveal our team name yet as it does require the cartoon logo for full appreciation and we've yet to create it.

This morning Drew took the new CRV to Honda to have a roof rack installed. Then we hooked up the new kayak racks I got on good sale at Amazon. And Tada!!! Two kayaks to go. Mine still has my Great Race XXXIII stickers on it!

We went out today about noon. The weather was near perfect for kayaking. The sun was out and there was a slight breeze. There was only one other person on the lake and that was a woman who admitted she'd just dragged her kayak out from under the deck to give it a test run.

We did 2 miles in 35 minutes. When I did the race in 2010, it took me 44 minutes. It's worth pointing out that it was an extremely windy day on the lake that year, creating choppy waters. So bad that they cut the long course of four miles down to two. I actually finished 310 out of 389. Not bad for a drowning fat chick. Last year, 310th place finished in 37 minutes. That's just shows how awful the water was in 2010. Most racers said it was the worst weather they'd ever competed in.

I think 35 minutes is a good start. By the time we were done, my shoulders were a bit sore but my arms and core were doing great. I even stopped once to let Drew catch up. Yes, Drew was dying out there. (I've got a big frickin' grin right now.) My goal is to get under 30 minutes. That should put me in the middle of the pack.

So I guess the workouts really do make all the difference in the world. Hoping to go out tomorrow kayaking as well, then a little bit of jogging on the treadmill. Monday morning more jogging. Monday night is yoga class. Then Tuesday I'm back into TapouT XT with kayaking after work, weather permitting. And so on and so forth. Gotta get back into shape. I part of a team now and I don't want to let anyone down. Especially myself.

The Adventures of Butterball: Beyond Blubberdome Week 3

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Ok, I'm pretty sure everyone who said, "Oh, you'll start burning fat in 2-3 weeks" or "Keep up the good work! You'll see results soon!" are somewhere in an evil lair laughing their asses off now at my expense.

A two and a half pound gain this week.

Really? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm so pissed I'm not even going to bleep that out. I did all my workouts this week and I busted my ASS doing them.

And to make matters worse, Jason had a shit week (still no goddamn bleeps!) and he still managed a pound loss. I don't know how, but I'm sure he's to blame for all this. Someday I'll figure it out and when I do I'll kick him square in the package. 

Incidently, that was the workout this morning. Muay Thai. Which is Romulan for "Kick to the Testes." It was a great workout. I sweated my invisible balls off. If they had been real balls I might have lost some weight!!!

You know I didn't start exercising expecting a miracle. It's not like I wanted to be Gina Carano...

Ok, sure. Of course I'd love to be Gina Carano. I just meant that it's not going to happen. But I also didn't want to be Pam Poovey...

Even though Pam is pretty cool and she can out-sex Archer, so there is that. Not to mention we both have a soy-allergy. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

Well, I guess I'm going to have to get drastic now to lose the weight.

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Week 3 Review

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

TAPOUT XT WEEK 3 REVIEW

Week 3 has been a fantastic workout week. Despite the issue with the sneakers (see HERE for those details).

THE PROS
1.  I'm not winded walking up the stairs at work. In fact, I bound up them at a pretty healthy pace now. Especially since I'm not so sore that I wince with each step.

2.  My girlie push-ups have improved massively! I can do more of them as well.

3.  I can use the resistance band during all of the workouts. I don't always do the moves as quickly as they do, but I do them and I try harder than hell to never give up.

4.  Working out in my bare feet has proven to be interesting. Most of the time it's better. A couple of the moves had my toes screaming, but since everything else on my body has witched & bitched during these workouts why should the toes miss out on the fun! 

      I honestly prefer not having to fart around putting on socks and shoes in the early morning. Even after my ankles heal I don't think I'm going to be reaching for the sneakers when I workout. Aha! I guess sometimes stupidity can lead to something good. Next time the Universe wants to give me a tip though I wish it would just send me an email or text. Not all lessons have to be that painful. Jeez.

THE CONS
1.  I still hate getting up at 5:30 am. I don't have the same energy during my workouts as I do on the weekends when I can get up, eat, digest, putz around, then go do a killer workout. I actually like doing the workouts on the weekends. I don't have that kind of love at 5:30 in the morning.
2.  There is no #2. Only one negative thing this week. Sweet!

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES --> COMING SOON!

The Adventures of Butterball: This Time Stupid Wasn't My Fault!

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

If you've been keeping track, great.  If not, here's the summary:

1. So far I've completed two weeks of TapouT XT workouts. I decided to adjust the workout schedule this week so certain workouts and the rest day will fall on better days in my schedule.  Week 3 will begin this Tuesday.
2. I've not seen any tremendous change in my body statistics, but my energy levels have been through the roof!
3. Jason proposed a "friendly" weight loss challenge. I stupidly said, "Yeah, why not?"
4. Weigh-in #1. Thanks to a bowel movement the size of Kelly's preemie twins (combined!), Temporarily Fat Jason is leading Butterball 4.8 pounds to 2.5. Abuse has been dealt and taken, though not very gracefully. It wasn't even 48 hours before comments deteriorated to immature levels that included potty-humor and unflattering sex jokes. Just the kind of things you'd expect from us. Pam was officially disgusted a long time ago.
5. I ruined my feet.
6. I'm having a craving for lasagna and a loaf of garlic bread. I won't eat it because it will likely kill me, or at least feel that way. But I want it. I sense I will be doing something as dramatically bad for my health that won't involve wheat, soy, milk, or sugar. Like a couple dozen chicken wings. Or a bunless burger with a pound of bacon on top.
7. Oh, didn't I tell you about #5? Let me tell you about #5.

It was a beautiful Saturday morning. The kind of Saturday that after the long, dark, cold month of March you don't care if it's only 40 degrees outside, the sun is shining and you're not wearing a coat, dammit! The kind of bright, sunny day that leads one to think, "Let's drive to Onondaga Lake Park and briskly walk the five mile circuit!"  "Yes! Let's do that!"

One forty minute drive later...

0.00 mile starting point...

"Ah, what a beautiful day! It's a little nippy out."
"You'll warm up soon."
"Sure. Wow, that breeze does whip up off that lake, doesn't it? Probably should have brought a hoodie, or something. Nevermind! We'll just enjoy nature in all her glory! Breathe in! Breathe out!"

0.50 miles later...

"Yep. Shoulda brought a coat." *sniff sniff* And tissues."

1.00 miles later...

"How's your knee? Bothering you?"
"A little."
"Yeah, me too. Not bad enough to turn around though. We'll walk it off. It'll be fine."
"Sure."

1.50 miles later...

"It's not fine. Let's turn around." *sniff sniff* "Give me your sleeve Drew."
"Uh, no."
"Ok."

2.00 miles later...

Limp...limp...limp. 
"Ow."
"You ok Steph?"
"My shoes are riding my heels. Starting to hurt. This sucks."

2.50 miles later...

"Oh my God! What the hell?! I wear these sneakers all the time! I workout in them! I wear them to work sometimes! They've never bothered me!"
I proceeded to walk as carefully as I can without moving the sneakers. I look like I was born with some kind of degenerative disease in my legs.
I debated taking my shoes off but didn't really want to risk getting some kind of dog-piss virus. 
Then I debated making Drew carry me to the car but I seriously doubt that even Ronon-Conan-Dronon-or-whatever-the-hell-his-name-was-in-Game-of-Thronon would be able to carry a 250 pound woman a half mile much less my husband. Not that he wouldn't try.

3.00 miles later...

Crying now.
"What the bleep is wrong with the Universe?! What did I ever do to it?! All I want to do is exercise and get healthy! It can't just give me one bleeping break, can it?! Look at this Drew! LOOK AT THIS!"
I pulled down the back of my sock to show him the skin that was already peeling away from the bloody blister on the back of my ankle.
"Wow! You know you didn't have to show me."
"I didn't want you to think I was just a whiner."
"I believed you! We need to get you some bandaids or something."
*sniff sniff* "Just give me the tissues."
"How are your calves?"
"Fine."
"Well, that's good, right?"
"Yeah, that's just God-bleep bleeping incredible."

So, Team Butterball is a hurtin' camper today. I was going to try the Power 90 Fat Burning Express and decided to work on my book and feel sorry for myself instead. Because that's proven to work so well in the past! Ha! The only shoes I can wear are my slippers. Oh, my co-workers are gonna love that. Looks like flip-flop season's come early this year.

Bleep.

Can I get this beer-battered and deep fried with a side of bacon and mayo? 

Thanks.

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout W2,D6

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Week Two ends with a new workout. Let's see how our heroine did.

TAPOUT XT WEEK 2, DAY 6

Pre-workout mood: I really hate getting up in the morning. But I have to do this.

Day 13 is Cardo XT + Ultimate Abs

HIGHLIGHTS FROM CARDIO XT + ULTIMATE ABS

46:20 Warm up. The setting is different. They're in a gym. At least it might be a gym. It looks a little photoshopped. Or maybe it's just the "To Quit Does Not Exist" sign in the back of the room that's been photoshopped in. Actually the sign looks real from different camera angles. Everything looks real from different camera angles. But straight on it looks phoney.
   And what's up with Mike's hair? He combed it flat. I can't decide if it's dorky or sexy. Kinda cute actually. Definitely not photoshopped.
   He's only got three people with him today --- Monet, Susan & Mary. My fave three. Well, plus Sam. He's a fave too. At least his abs are. But he's not working out today.
   Wait a minute, they're in their bare feet. Crap. Remove the shoes quick!
   Warm up's almost done now. I've discovered I have no coordination today. I don't have a lot normally, but today I have none. I got confused by jumping rope. Hope we don't do that much.
   My left leg is wicked sore today. It's not pain. It's very, very sore. Being very careful to keep my form.
31:00 Rope and sprawl. Wow. I can sprawl today. I wouldn't have even attempted to throw myself on the floor like that last week. I'm not great at it and not very fast, but I can do it. I can even do it without stopping.
26:30 Burpee. Oh this is a monster move. It involves gettin' down, gettin' up, kneeing the crap out of things. I want to quit so bad, but I just envision kneeing TFJ in the groin and surprisingly I have the energy to continue.
Mike: "These people love me but I bet you're hating me at home!"
Me: "I don't hate you but if we were a relationship on Facebook it would definitely be complicated right now."
KILLER MOVE! K-90. High knees + One-armed mountain climbers + Obliques. I have to do two-armed mountain climbers, but I did it.

TODAY'S STATUS

The cardio was awesome! I have never sweat so much in my life! That workout's a keeper! The pain in my knee worked itself out during the workout, which is good. 

TOMORROW'S GOAL

Rest Day! I honestly can't wait for the Rest Day to be on Monday. For two weeks now I've gotten up on Thursday morning and thought, "Last workout of the week!" My brain automatically assumes it's also Friday. But it's not. I still have another day of work. And that sucks more than working out. A lot more!

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES --> WEEK 3 REVIEW

The Adventures of Butterball: Beyond Blubberdome, or I Haven't Done Anything Stupid In A While, So...

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Yesterday my co-worker, friend and fellow fatty Jason emailed me. 

Fancy a friendly weight loss contest?

Ok, those weren't the exact words but it's close enough.

Jason is a very competitive person. He's a very fair person. He's sharp-minded with an even sharper tongue.  He can be very witty and even downright ruthless with his comedic remarks. He's proven in the past that he can very effectively lose weight too. This would be a mental and physical challenge in which he would take no prisoners.

STUPID ALERT!!

I don't like challenges. I'm not a competitive person. I play trivia for fun. I don't keep score. My parents forced me to play summer softball when I was young because it got me out of the house. I would get physically ill before games just thinking about it. But I do enjoy a little friendly battle. Especially one that will keep me motivated to exercise, so...

Sure! Why not?

And thus was born...

Beyond Blubberdome: 

Butterball vs Temporarily Fat Jason 

Weight Loss Challenge eXXXtreme

This is a serious challenge being performed by two people who take not being serious very seriously. (Yeah, I think I got that right.) Jason's going to trash talk me and I'm going to say things like, "Kiss my fat ass, jerkface! I mean, not literally. That's gross. You know what I mean!" I don't do trash talk very well. I have no hope of reigning supreme there. The best I can do is to be annoying as all hell. If I'm lucky it might come off as moderately humorous.

So, let the game begin.

You are so going down TFJ! I mean, not literally. That's gross. You know what I mean!

Yep. Now you know why there's a triple-X in the title. It's not just my shirt size and a so-so Vin Diesel action flick. It's pretty much where all conversations lead to. Even the ones I have with myself. Conversations, that is. I mean...oh nevermind.

For details about the challenge and to see the "lovely" challenge photos he stole and photoshopped artistically created, see Jason's blog.

The Adventures of Butterball: Mid-Week 2 Evaluation

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

TAPOUT XT MID-WEEK 2 RE-EVALUATION

Week 2 has bee an interesting mix of dramatic highs and lows so far. The first two days showed massive improvement. The third & fourth days showed that my laziness and miserableness weren't completely out of my system. I worked out but not with as much energy or excitement. Causes included lack of sleep, a hyperextended knee and too much yoga. (Too much? Yes. Keep reading.)

I had a big issue with Yoga XT this moring. I do yoga on Monday nights with my beautiful, brilliant yogini and friend Theresa. She has helped me in so many ways. When I have aches and pains she instructs me how to fix it. She's been so instrumental in giving me tips that have helped me continue working out. Plus she gives me hugs. Hugs like my mommy would. I miss those hugs. Not everyone can do that. It's a gift. So, I'm not giving up my Monday night yoga class. But getting up and doing Yoga XT on Tuesday mornings kinda sucks. It's just too much yoga in too little time.

What do I do? Skip Yoga XT since I'm already doing yoga less than 12 hours before that? Swap Yoga XT with another workout later in the week? I like Yoga XT. Just not on Tuesday mornings. And it's going to be an issue with me. I'm already starting to resent it.

I've decided it's best to move it. But I don't want to mix up the schedule! I'm sure TapouT designed the schedule for a specific purpose. So I'm moving the entire schedule. Instead of starting my workout week on Saturday, it will start on Tuesday. This makes Monday my rest day, which is good because for whatever reason I cannot sleep on Sunday nights. I could use the extra 1-1/2 hours of sleep that morning. I can do yoga Monday night and be stretched and ready for Tuesday morning. Then Yoga XT will fall on Friday morning. Perfect!

But what about this week? Easy. Finish this week on Thursday, rest day Friday, do a couple of my fave workouts on Saturday and Sunday (Competition Core will be one of them! If not both!), rest day Monday, yoga Monday night, start week three on Tuesday. Easy peasy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I didn't report this to anyone, but on Day 10 I did my measurements as the TapouT XT chart instructed me to do. The findings didn't help at all. I'd lost 1-1/2 pounds, gained a 1/2 inch on my stomach but apparently lost two inches on my thighs. Really? I had joked at work during week 1 that with my luck I was growing abs under my fat and just getting larger. Well, apparently I am! I've been assured by the workout affionados around me that this is normal and to not freak out. Muscle grows faster than fat goes away, but the muscle will continue to burn fat so it's all good. Blah blah blah. I'm just gonna go eat a damn cake. Hell.

Now why didn't I lose 14 pounds like all the Success Stories on the DVD's? Quite simply, because:

A. I do not have a penis. (Although I'm pretty sure I have more balls than most of the guys I work with.) Let's face it. Guys lose weight quicker and bulk up faster. That's just a fact of nature. So, a morbidly obese woman trying to compare herself to a dude with a beer-gut is a stupid thing to do.

And the other reason is:

B. I'm not following the nutrition plan. I don't have to. I follow the eating guide setup for me by my nutritionist because I'm wheat/soy/milk/sugar intolerant. I'm sure my plan is probably very close to the TapouT XT nutrition guide. Lots of protein and veggies; low on carb. The people in the Success Stories weren't eating this way to begin with so their bodies had a bunch of "junk food" to dispense of immediately when they started eating healthy. That's gotta be it, right? Honestly, that's what mine did. When I learned of my food allergies and started eating right I dropped weight quick. But then the loss leveled out and I had to turn to exercise to lose additional weight. And here I am!

Still, I expected something a little better. I probably shouldn't get my hopes up after only ten days. It's not like there hasn't been improvement. I've had so much more energy! I'm almost starting to "pop" during the workouts. Almost!

So, I'm not going to let this get me down. I'm kind of excited to see what improvements we'll see in Week 3.  

Thanks for following and supporting Team Butterball!

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES --> WEEK 2, DAY 6

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout W2,D2

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Soooo, how we doin'?

TAPOUT XT WEEK 2, DAY 2

Pre-workout mood:  It's Sunday morning. I'm awake and ready to go. I'm a little nervous. I don't remember this workout and I didn't go back and review. Apparently it's my Easter surprise!

Day 9 is Strength & Force Upper + Ultimate Abs

Been there, done that. How will we do compared to the last time?

SUMMARY FROM STRENGTH & FORCE UPPER + ULTIMATE ABS

I won't bother going through the highlights because I've done that. Also, I have nothing to highlight. I didn't swear. I didn't scream or shout. I did have a few moment when I grunted "Don't quit!" to myself. I did every move. I modified where needed and only if needed. I pushed myself. Not to sound cliche, but...I felt the burn.

Here's the amazing part --- and it didn't occur to me until halfway through the workout --- I got up. I got down. I got up. I got down. I didn't strain, complain or stress about it. It didn't take me half the next exercise to do it. I was up and ready to go when Mike was. Unbelievable. A week ago I was struggling just to sit up. I can not pop up. (Kinda.)

This may not seem like a big deal to some people. Those people wouldn't know me. I'm easily a hundred pounds overweight. Getting up from a chair is a workout for me. No. Getting up from a chair was a workout for me. I do it now without hesitation or thought. In fact yesterday afternoon I was going to sit at my desk and work on some writing. I couldn't do it! I just had to get up and do something. I cleaned the kitchen, living room and organized the cardmaking room. I made over a dozen cards and cleaned out the filing cabinet upstairs. I shredded a supersize garbage bag of old papers we don't need anymore. I'd have shredded more but the shredder overheated and shut down. I was on the go! I even debated doing another workout just because I had so much energy. That's unheard of for me.

And that's not the end of it. I stood at my desk at work more last week than since I got the adjustable standing desk. It felt good to stand. I spent most of Thursday and Friday running around helping people with computer issues. I didn't even complain. I enjoyed it! (Ok, I might have complained about the co-worker, but not the running around part.)

The only exercise I couldn't do was the Killer Move at the end of Ultimate Abs. It requires rolling over. I did two of them and my hips hurt badly. They aren't ready to be rolled on just yet. Of course, as fate would have it Drew was coming downstairs at that precise moment. He took one look at me sprawled out on the mat and said, "Aren't you supposed to be doing that video?" Really? This from a guy that's hobbling around because he fell on his knee yesterday. "I think I need an x-ray and some PT." His sympathetic wife said, "You can move it. You're fine."

TODAY'S STATUS

Now that was a pleasant surprise! Huh. *squee*

TOMORROW'S GOAL

Tomorrow is Plyo XT. It's the undisputed hardest TapouT XT workout. I'll try to remain positive about it. Maybe I'll do much better the second time around than the first. Maybe I'll kick its ass. Maybe I'll sprout wings and fly to Jamaica. Hey, anything's possible. (Well, maybe not anything.)

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES --> MID-WEEK 2 EVALUATION

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout W2,D1

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

It's the first day of the second week. Our heroine is psyched. Let's see how long this lasts...

TAPOUT XT WEEK 2, DAY 1

Pre-workout mood: It's Saturday! I slept in an extra hour! I'm feelin' great! Let's get this started!!

Day 1 is Competition Core.

Competition Core? I changed my mind. Can I go back to bed?

HIGHLIGHTS FROM COMPETITION CORE

47:15 Warm up. The fact that Mike's starting out without his shirt on is not encouraging. I don't think he's doing it for the eye candy factor. I think this is a sign that this is going to be intense. Well, he can just bring it! I am ready! (Right? Ha ha?)
44:15 Lumberjack. This requires the band. Again, it's my first time doing this workout and I'm foregoing the bands. To be honest, I don't have a band to do this one. Mine are too tight. I'll get two done and then my arms are going to collapse. Better to do the move and keep up my pace today.
40:00 Plank knee strikes. OMG! I can plank today! Wow! I can feel that too. Whoa! Holy crap I'm doing this! Holy crap this is gonna hurt later!
37:00 I love low level lunges. I can totally wreck these! And the big guy in the back row just took a break! Ha! I'm not breakin' you ape! Get back in it!
32:25 Mountain climbers. These babies hurt! It's like jogging from a plank position. Doin' my best.
31:25 Prison squat. This is a crazy cardio move. I have no idea why it's called prison squat. If Mike said I didn't hear it because the sound of my own breath is overpowering the TV. But it's a controlled breath. Something I learned from when I ran. (Yes, believe it or not there was a time I was a runner.) Deep breaths. Don't wanna start hyperventilating.
30:00 Snow angels. Lay straight out on the floor, arms overhead, then crunch in like you're making a snow angel, but your shoulders and legs come off the floor. AAAAAHHHH!!!! These are killer!! OMG! I can feel my abs crunching! OMG! I HAVE ABS! And they're not just crunching in pain; they are working!
28:30 Push-ups with side planks and power jacks. Well, I did about two to their dozen. This is the first day I've been able to do a side plank. I had to heavily modify it, but I did it. I couldn't do those last week.
24:50 Orlie hop. This is the first exercise today that I absolutely cannot do. It requires a move I can't describe properly in words, but I can't do it because my stomach is too big and I'll hit my head on the floor. When my arms are stronger, maybe. Not worried about it though. Last week I couldn't side plank. Maybe I'll Orlie hop next week.
23:25 Warrior push-up. It takes my favorite yoga move Warrior One and turns it into a push-up. Again, I did about two. Amazed I got two. I'm not a big fan of falling on the floor and popping back up.
19:55 Lunge bounce. I think the house just shifted off the foundation. Haha! Half the class just took a break. I'm not breaking! I like lunges. I do not want to know why those muscles on me rock. Haha! Sam just gave Mike a dirty look. It was kinda sexy. Water break!
17:55 Mountain climbers on our forearms. I cannot hold a plank position on my elbows. This is the most painful position I've tried to accomplish yet. It focuses on my lower abs. I spent the entire time just trying to stay up. Wow. That's intense.
14:25 Side burpee punch. Well, I'm impressed. It took almost 33 minutes for me to swear at Mike.
11:42 Bridge push kicks. Still swearing.
10:40 Ab bicycle reach. AAAAHHHH!!!! Come on abs! Don't stop now!
07:15 Plank hip rotator. Well, I'll try it. Plank, reach leg threw, switch. Ow. No seriously. What did I just pull in my leg. I think I'll just pass on these for now. I'll just try to stand up. I'm slowin' down big time now. Just a little more to go!
KILLER MOVE! Queen Bee. It's a lunge move! Yes! I got it! Don't pull on the neck! Tighten the core! Add the junk! Keep it up! Uh, what? Add the junk? Did he say add the junk? It was probably trunk, but he is a dude, so it could be junk. That's hilarious. Add the junk, byotch!
03:00 Cool down. This feels good today. Real good.

TODAY'S STATUS

This was a FANTASTIC workout! I loved it! It had just the right amount of stand up-get down for me. It had lunges and punches and planks. I am truly amazed at how much I could do today. When I got done I cried. Honest-to-goodness tears on my cheeks. People wouldn't think of me as a sentimental person, and for the most part I'm not, but I can be quite emotional when it comes to myself. Especially when I've accomplished something. It's a rare thing in my life. I cried after completing the Great Race; I cried when my first book was done; I cried this morning. I love it when I surprise myself. I should really make an effort more often. I probably could have cured cancer or found the douchebag gene by now. (You know there is one, right?)

TOMORROW'S GOAL

Tomorrow is Strength & Force Upper + Ultimate Abs. This is the first of the workout videos that will be a repeat. Unless something truly amazing happens, most likely I will not blog about it. Just once in a while with an update. Maybe start a little gadget on the right-hand side there with some stats. Maybe...

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES --> WEEK 2, DAY 2

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 7

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

As much as our heroine enjoys waking up to her handsome training instructor, she is sooooo looking forward to not seeing Mike's face this morning.

TAPOUT DAY 7

Pre-workout mood: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (Do Not Disturb.)

Day 7 is a Rest Day.

It's also time for review and reflection.

REVIEW 

Despite my complaining (and the miserableness of yesterday's post) I really like these workouts. The exercises change constantly throughout the videos so they don't bore me. The moves are challenging but easy. I don't have to stand there and go, "Now where's his foot? And what's he doing with his hand?" It's obvious. I might stand there and go, "Nice abs," but I think that's part of the motivational process. I swear at Mike more than I should but he's actually an excellent instructor. He's very motivating.

The videos I'm using I borrowed from a friend (one of the millions I have on the internet). I wanted to try TapouT XT before buying it. I know TapouT XT comes with a 100% satisfaction guaranteed warranty on it but have you ever tried to use those kinds of warranties? I'm not saying TapouT would be arseholes about it and make me feel like crap for returning their product, but you don't have to go through that kind of personal hell too many times to know you don't want to stick your neck out for anyone else's product.

Also, I'm child of the 80's. I had a music collection that consisted of hundreds of CD's all of which had ONE good song on them. I was screwed over then and I've been bitter about it ever since. Damn it! I still want my money back from Bjork for that stupid CD with "Army of Me" on it! I'm sure she's a lovely person, but that song suckered me in. Errrr!

I borrowed the videos, I tried them and I really like them. To prove to myself and the world that I'm sincere about this, bought the TapouT XT package this week and it should be here in about 5 days. I'm a dedicated supporter of the things I like and use. I am brand loyal. But I make companies earn it now.

REFLECTION
I've seen some improvements in my health and attitude already. Even though I have a non-wheat/milk/soy/sugar eating plan, there's nothing to keep me from cheating on it. Ever since starting to workout I haven't. I don't want to waste all my exercise efforts on cake.

I've also taken some time this week to be more "girlie." And I'm not just referring to my push-ups. I gave myself a pedicure and manicure! I've also started wearing my jewelry again. I feel better on the inside and it makes me want to show it on the outside too.

And lastly, writing about this and talking about it on Facebook and with my co-workers has been the biggest thrill. I've had so much fun! I can't thank my supporters and friends enough. Especially Kelly, who borrowed the Day 1 DVD from me to try it. The following morning when she called me and said, "Are you out of your goddamn mind?" I laughed my ass off. Yes, I am and proud of it.

So thank you everyone!

THE NEXT GOAL
At Day 10 I re-check my weight and measurements. If I get to Day 10 I'm going to reward myself with a new pair of shoes. Preferably some pretty slip-on sandals. So I don't have to bend over to put them on. Ow.

Also, Jason said if I get through another week doing TapouT I get a reward. I'm not gonna say what it is because that spoils the fun. Personally, I'd just be happy if he promised to never fart in my car again. Driving around in 30 degree weather with the windows down sucks.

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES --> WEEK 2, DAY 1

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 6

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

The last workout day. Our heroine has one more day to go before she's done with Week One. Just one. How hard can one be. It's just ONE.

TAPOUT DAY 6

Pre-workout mood: Why am I still doing this?

Day 6 is Sprawl & Brawl.

I am so miserable. This is going to be bad.

HIGHLIGHTS FROM SPRAWL & BRAWL

The below running commentary ran through my head for pretty much the entire workout...

"I hate this. I hate Mike. I hate every single one of those people. Don't bother flashing your abs. They're not gonna help today. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Screw you. I'm not getting back down on my knees again. I'm getting motion sickness. Up. Alright I'll go down for this one. I'm so annoyed I'm not even gonna bother making the obvious "going down" joke. Up. Ok, kickboxing is good. Like the kickboxing moves. More plank crap! Ugh. Kick, kick, punch, punch. Sit up?! AH! I'm so tired today. The only thing that would make this fun is if we were doing it in a bouncy castle. Ooo! Now there's a great exercise idea. Kick, upper cut, elbow. More sit-ups. bleep! I think I dislocated my uterus. bleep! bleep! bleep! Ah! I HATE THIS!"

And that's about how it went. Very pathetic; very whiney. If it weren't for the fact that I started blogging all this and people are paying attention, I wouldn't have gotten up this morning. Hell, I wouldn't have gotten past day 2.

TODAY'S STATUS

This day is gonna suck. Looking forward to Archer tonight. It's a Pam episode. Should be good. Pam would totally kick TapouT's ass.

UPDATE! It was brought to my attention that this was very negative, even for me. There are concerns I won't continue the program. Let me clarify that my miserableness is not related to the workout. It's related to everything. The weather, my cats, my job, even the very air I breathe. I WILL be continuing working out with TapouT.

TOMORROW'S GOAL

Tomorrow is a Rest Day. I'm going to rest, reflect and review. And probably eat something I shouldn't.

WEEK ONE DONE!

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES --> DAY 7

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 5

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Our heroine is battered and bruised but not beaten.  She doesn't really get into that kind of thing.

TAPOUT DAY 5

Pre-workout mood: .

Day 5 is Legs & Back.

Of course it's Legs & Back today. I had my deep tissue massage last night. I really gotta plan these things better.

HIGHLIGHTS FROM LEGS & BACK 

40:20 Warm up. Mike's wearing the Earned By Sweat t-shirt today. I look forward to getting mine in 12 weeks when I finish this. I've never worked so hard for a freaking t-shirt before. Geez, I hope they have girl t-shirts. If I have to cut into the collar of that Earned By Sweat t-shirt so I don't choke to death I'm gonna be pissed.
38:40 We're on the floor and I'm ok with that today. Drew got me a foam fitness mat from Dick's last night. That along with a folded up yoga mat makes all the difference for both my knees and my bruised lower back.
36:20 I've already decided I'm not using the resistance bands today. Gravity and my own weight is my resistance. I'll try it next time. Right now I want to workout and sweat and not hurt myself too badly.
34:00 Mike's got a half-naked guy in the front row to his right. His name is Shawn. Or Sean. Or Shaun. I don't know how he spells it. I'm going with Sean. Incidentally the same name of a new character in Book #2 which I will finish writing someday.
33:20 Plank Foot Jacks. Oh man! I was with you until this move. I can't even describe it. It's the inbred child of the plank position & jumping jacks.
<<It's absolutely crazy how fast the workout changes. I like it. I'm movin' a little faster today than last Saturday when I started too.>>
15:34 Mike's strippin'! Time to take off the shirt!
15:33 Ok, time to put mine back on!
14:20 Push Up Plyo Jack. WHAT?? Do a push up and a jumping jack at the same time? Are you psychotic? Hello, girly push-ups.
10:30 Side Push-Ups. I'm doin' the best I can. And I'm cryin' after two. Ouch.
KILLER MOVE: Superman/Knee Strike. Spread out like Superman then pop your entire body in the air. Mike looks like a hyperactive waterbug. How in the hell did he do that? It looks impossible. I mean, breaking the laws of physics impossible. And he gets some serious air there! Wow. I wussed out and just watched. Truly amazing. I cannot fathom ever being able to do that.

TODAY'S STATUS

   That was a hard, sweaty workout. I'm pleased with it. So glad to have figured out how to do floor work without pain. 

TOMORROW'S GOAL

   To not sneeze. I never knew you used every muscle in your body when you sneezed. I sneezed this morning and every sore muscle tensed up at the same time. I thought someone was going to have to call an ambulance.

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES --> DAY 6

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 4

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

With the first half of the six-day workout week behind her, our heroine heads bravely into the second half of Week One. She is rested and determined.

TAPOUT DAY 4

Pre-workout mood: Not too bad. Yoga last night was amazing. It stretched me out and loosened me up. I still doped myself to sleep last night...just in case.

Day 4 is Yoga XT.

Yoga Extreme Training? Really? What am I gonna do? Elbow my invisible opponent from tree pose? Crush monk ninja skulls with my thighs while in lotus? (Yeah, I know. I'm mixing up my cultures there. It's the MMA of creative license, if you will. But honestly, monk ninjas would be awesome.)

YOGA XT

51:00 Warm up. Mike's wearing a black & grey shirt today. Is that Under Armor? He looks like a Mike today. Niiiiice.
40:00 Well, that was a nice warm up. Nothing I haven't done many times before. Feels so good to stretch. But the warm up's done so he's probably gonna go insane on us now.
37:00 Hmm, still not going gonzo on us. The music's soothing and Mike's not yelling. Thankfully I already know the names of the movements so I can follow along easily.
35:00 Ok, when I said easily I didn't mean it was simple. It's not! It's very challenging.
33:35 Warrior One! My favorite.
32:00 Sam's got a shirt on today. His looks nice too. Even with those abs covered up. Hmm. Oops. Supposed to be in down dog. Got distracted.
26:35 Why are there puncture marks in my yoga mat? It was brand new before I started these workouts. And there's a tear and...Sweetpea! Quit chewing on my yoga mat!
18:00 Yeah, I cannot physically do that...yet. I'll just do some upward dog/downward dog to stretch my back. You continue on without me guys.
14:05 On our knees? Aaaaaah! Aaah! Ah. Ok, not so bad today. Mostly because (thanks to my yogini's advice) I've found folding up an extra yoga mat to put under my knees helps immensely. I had no knee pain last night at yoga and very little this morning. Yay!
03:55 Sit ups? Ah, you're kidding. It was going so well! Oofah! 1 Oofah! 2 Oofah! 3 Oofa-wait a minute. Am I doing sit ups? Wow.
01:20 The final move. Rolling up from our backs to our butts, legs out, legs in, roll back. Well, I hate to say it, but no Mike. I'm not doing that. I killed my butt bone doing those kinds of things with you the past two days. I cannot physically roll back without tearing up. Give me a chance to heal. I'll do that with you next week. I promise.

TODAY'S STATUS

   Well, that was a surprise! I really liked that workout. It was still hard and I struggled at times, but it was nice to do something intense that didn't involve jumping around like an arsehole, scaring my cats and waking up the neighbors. If I hadn't already been doing yoga, I think it would have intimidated the hell out of me.
   It can never be better than a workout with my yogini though! Because when we're done we get hugs. Ahhh. Even if I was there with the TapouT team exercising I don't think I'd hug either Mike or Sam though. Great abs, but sweaty. Really, really sweaty. Blech!

TOMORROW'S GOAL

   World peace.

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES --> DAY 5

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 3

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Undeterred by Day 1 and Day 2, our heroine walks blindly into Day 3.

TAPOUT DAY 3

Pre-workout mood: I didn't sleep last night. Too hot. Too sore. Too...everything. Will have to take something tonight. I need sleep. I cannot believe I'm getting up early for this. I don't even get up this early for  vacations or flights. Grumble, grumble, grumble.

Day 3 is Plyo XT.

I have no idea what that means. Sounds like the name of an Anime show. Almost sounds fun! (I bet it isn't.)

PLYO XT

51:00 Warm up. Good morning Mike! (Yes, that is the hottie instructor's actual name. He's too excited to be a Mike. He totally looks like a Steve to me this morning. Yep, Steeeeeve.) Plyo is legwork. Ok, cool. As long as there's no push-ups or sit-ups. What's that Mike? This is the hardest workout of them all? Oh, that's just effing great.

<<Ok, I'm not going to do a play-by-play today. It's not nearly as much fun as the previous two days. The exercises were difficult but nothing I couldn't do. Well, do as best I could. There were a couple that involved the knees hitting the floor. No freaking way! My knee caps are so sore they hurt when they touch the inside of my pants. I need knee pads or maybe even a rolled up towel next time for additional cushion. Or maybe...just maybe...fatty-fat-fat will buck-up and do push-ups the right way. Yeah, check back with me on day 60 about that.>>

Here are some of the things that I screamed at the TV set.
"Pop-up? Add an extra 100 pounds to your frame and we'll see how well you pop-up, you bleep."
"I can't do that. Ok, I'll try. Ow. Ow. Ow!"
"Lunge left and kick. Lunge right and kick. Lunge left and kick. Lunge right and--oops. Forgot to move the tower heater. Crap."
"Oh, for crying out loud! Mike! You do it. I'll just jog in place until you're done."
"Skater lunges! I got this! Aha! Um, how do I stop without falling over?"
"Isn't it about time you took your shirt off Mike? No? Damn. Ok, I'll stare at Sam instead. Na na."
"Jump up and land softly? Yeah, sure. Jump up and there goes the bookshelf. Jump up and there goes that picture on the wall. Jump up and I think the hubby just fell out of bed upstairs. Ha ha!"

TODAY'S STATUS

   Well, that sucked. Ah, what can they expect. I'm fat. I do appreciate the fact that Mike is constantly on me about not quitting. You can pause, but don't stop. It does help. Even though I want to kick that bastard in the face, deep down inside there's a thin girl who appreciates the motivation.
   Tonight I have yoga with my buddies! My yogini will be lucky if she gets one sun salutation out of me. It'll probably take the entire half-hour class for me to get into down dog. At least from there I only have to fall over to reach shavasana.

TOMORROW'S GOAL

   When I cut the collar of my employer-endorsed workout clothing (aka t-shirt we always get at the company picnic), take the shirt off first. I cut them because it feels like I'm choking when I wear them. I now have three shirts sporting a "stylish" 45-degree angle cut in the front of them. I'm amazed I haven't accidentally stabbed myself in the heart with the scissors yet. God, I can be a lazy idiot.

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES --> DAY 4

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 2

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Having survived the self-inflicted horrors of Tapout Day 1, our fearful heroine wakes up to a brand new adventure-filled day.

TAPOUT DAY 2

Pre-workout mood: I hurt. Everything on me hurts. It even hurts to put my hair up. Why are we moving 

Day 2 is Strength & Force Upper + Ultimate Abs.

Well that sounds terrible.

STRENGTH & FORCE UPPER

53:45 Warm up. 53 minutes?!?!

53:44 OMG! These jumping jacks are killing me! My stomach hurts! Why does my bouncing stomach hurt? It didn't hurt yesterday! Oh, this is a great start.

53:05 Still warming up. Already wanna quit. Not really surprised. But my inner thin girl is being uber-supportive this morning. "Keep going, Fatty!"

50:20 Chest scoop. Requires resistance bands. Aha! I'm ready for you today...er, still don't know your name. Ryan's wearing a red shirt today. Now he looks like a Greg. Anyway, got my band right here, so bring it Greg!

49:15 Push-ups. They are the bane of my existence. I have next-to-no arm strength for this. Just gonna do my pathetic girly push-ups.

48:30 Front raise with chest punch. Back up for some resistance band work. Oh, these suckers hurt. Super wobbly. Starting to grunt and grown already. I can feel four-letter words lining up in the back of my throat getting ready to be ejected at a high rate of speed.

47:10 Back down for more torture (aka floor work). Greg loves push-ups. Great. "You should probably marry it then and have little baby push-ups that can go out into the world and multiply and torture the entire planet. Jerk."

46:20 Back up again! I could get a complete workout just standing up and sitting down. I'm starting to turn into an old elderly lady. I should get life alert.

44:35 Ground and pound. Yep, more floor work. This is kinda fun though because it involves visualizing beating the crap out of someone. Surpringly, Greg, I find that easy to do.

43:40 Stand up, grab bands, torture the arms for a while. The bands are really starting to hurt. But Greg says you don't quit in Tapout! So I dropped the band. At this point I'd rather finish the exercise than rest or take a break. 

32:15 "Sweetpea! Stop chewing on my resistance band!"

16:25 Greg's half naked. When did he take off his shirt? Maybe it's his twin Ryan.

14:40 Snatch. This exercise is called snatch? Ha! Gregory Ryan said snatch.

08:00 "bleep you Gregory Ryan." I cannot physically get back down on the floor. I will just keep doing the last arm work exercise instead.

04:25 THE KILLER FINISHING MOVE! Ok, what are we doing today to make me feel even more pathetic. Karpenko Curls. What's that? Lay down flat on your back, resistance band wrapped around the bottom of my feet, curl hands up to chest. You mean, bicep curls??? I can do those! In your face, Gregory Ryan Marie! HAHA!

02:30 Cool down. Yeah, sure. Whatever you say Margaret.

ULTIMATE ABS

There are tears on my cheeks as I press the play button for this workout. Ultimate Abs sounds like it should be an appetizer at TGIF. I bet this is going to hurt like hell.

15:45 Ok, only 15 minutes. How bad can this be?

15:30 AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! YOU ARE AN bleepHOLE!

13:45 I can't do that, you jerk! I'll just do crunches. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

12:25 Sweetpea, why are you licking my forehead? You are creeping me out.

11:15 Cowboy oblique crunches. Holy crap. Something I can do.

08:50 Crunch elbow. Ok, I can do this too. Sure, if you cheat. "Shut up inner bitch! No one invited you to this exercise class!"

07:50 Bader roll. AH! I broke my ass! OMG! That hurts! I'll just do crunches. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

03:05 THE KILLER FINISHING MOVE! GFO'S. I have no idea what that stands for, but it involves another imaginary fight. I'm all up for any exercise that involves fantasy violence. That gives me a great money-making idea! Twilight: The Workout Video. How many women would buy that crap? HAHA! Oh, are we doing a cool down now? Sorry dude. I got distracted.

00:00 "Woo hoo! I did it! Go Team Me! Sweetpea!! Goddammit!! Stop chewing on my resistance band!! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

TODAY'S STATUS

  Well, I did it. It wasn't pretty, but I did do it. I've found that some exercises I can already do well. Anything with biceps. Other times I use the bands until I feel I have to stop then I drop them and continue without them. It's not surprising that just having to move my arms under their own weight is sometimes challenging enough. But I try hard not to stop completely because I've found the effects are quite demoralizing.

   Push-ups are the worst though. I just keep doing what little move I can and hope that someday I'll be able to do just one. Just one!

    My knees are killing me. It's not the standing up and sitting down that hurts them. It's not the lunges because I can do those quite well, actually. It doesn't hurt to walk or bend. It's having them on the floor. I have this problem at yoga too. My knees against the floor hurts. I know I have a lot of extra weight resting on them, but it's wicked painful. I've tried doubling-up on yoga mats and it still hurts. I need some kind of super-thick gym mat. Will have to look into something for that because it's really making these workouts a lot more painful and difficult than they already are. And God knows the last thing I need is one more reason to quit.

TOMORROW'S GOAL

    Find out the hottie instructor's name. Especially if I'm gonna swear at him.

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES --> DAY 3

The Adventures of Butterball: Tapout Day 1

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Who is Butterball? I am Butterball. When I was a baby my father used to call me his "little butterball." Why? I don't know. I asked him the other day and he couldn't remember either. I wasn't an extremely fat baby. I was actually quite a normal baby. And I didn't look anything like a frozen turkey. I was actually quite cute. Most babies look like alien pod creatures or cranky garden gnomes. I was cute. Until about age five. That was when it all started to go wrong.

I've spent the majority of my life fat and ugly and doing a lot of stupid things because of it. Mostly while attempting to correct the "fat and ugly" part. Today I've decided to write about it. Most of these stories are  about events that were painful and embarrassing to have gone through, but are usually hilarious when I tell them. Must be hilarious because they make everyone laugh. I'm sure they're laughing with me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

TAPOUT DAY 1

I decided recently that I have to start exercising. My diet is at the point where I'm feeling good and I'm maintaining my weight. The problem is I actually need to lose weight. Quite a bit. About the equivalent of a new Kia. I could get up and get on the treadmill in the morning but that sounds boring and tedious and boring. I could do the Wii Fit 30-Day Challenge. I've only tried that three times and never gotten past Day #2. But why learn from past experience?!

So, what exercise am I going to do?

I decided to do TapouT XT. I watched an infomercial for it the other night and the guy is kind of good looking. (Yes, I am a student of the Jason C. School of Sexercise. Choose your exercise based on the hotness of the instructor!)

Honestly, TapouT XT was not designed for someone of my size or physical condition. It's meant to be done by someone who's already in moderately decent shape. I decided to do it anyway because if I stay this weight I'm going to die early, so I might as well do an exercise program that will make me feel like dying now.  My theory is if I survive, I was meant to be thin. (See. I told you I'm stupid.)

Day 1 started with the Cross Core Combat. It's a 45+ minute workout.

45:47 Warm-up

45:35 I'm already in hell. I used to be able to do jumping jacks for more than a minute without contemplating suicide. WTF?

41:05 The warm-up is done. Depression has already started to seep in with the realization that this was yet again...another stupid idea.

41:00 Snap push kicks. Ok, I got these! Bring it on!

39:55 Walk out to sphinx. I cannot possibly explain the complexity of this move. It involves planking and push-ups. It's insanely difficult. I did my best though.

38:25 Side plank with extension. The hot guy (whose name I still don't know - he looks like a Ryan - I'll call him Ryan) wants me to roll onto my side from a plank position and raise my arm into the air. I'm starting to hate Ryan.

37:20 Rotating knee strike. Ok, I lay on my back and then roll to the side and ram my knee into my invisible opponent. They said you don't need anymore space than your living room to do these workouts. I can't blame them for not knowing that my living room is the size of most people's bathrooms. I did successfully knee strike my couch though. Made a mental note to move more furniture out of the way next time.

36:15 Shift forward/Pop/Switch. I cannot physically pop up to a plank position when I'm on my elbows. It took me two minutes to stand up. But Ryan says a water break is coming up, so there is hope.

34:43 Plank what? Plank you Ryan.

33:50 WATER BREAK!! 

33:40 What do you mean the water break is done? I'm not off the damn floor yet! and I have to grab some resistance bands too? Where's the freaking pause button?!

<<The next ten minutes are spent looking for the resistance bands. I found a stockpile of four of them. None are marked for their resistance amount. After numerous tests, I decided they all suck. I picked red (because it's pretty!) and got into position.>>

33:19 Bob Bob Jab Cross. Yes! I can totally do this! In your face! Bob! Bob! Jab! Cross! Oof. The resistance band slipped out from under my foot and snapped my own gut. I have a red welt on my stomach. Thanks for the reality check, resistance band!

32:05 Sphinx/Pop-up Down. They also call this move Load and Explode. I called it Banging My Invisible Girlfriend. I couldn't do the move because I was laughing too hard. Ryan really gets into it. Laughing harder!

31:20 Superman roll/leg punch. Lay on the floor in a Superman pose, then you roll over, punch while kicking the coffee mug off the table. Yay! I can do this! I'm so psyched I start grunting, groaning and screaming at the TV. "Yeah! bleep you Ryan!" Roll! Punch! "bleep you!"

29:40-08:11 I don't remember anything that happened in the next 20 minutes. I might have passed out. My brain might have shut down in denial that I was exercising. Not sure.

08:10 Crunch ankle/slap knee strike. I gave him the ankle slap but the knee strike wasn't happening. I was on the verge of tears. But Ryan begged. "Hang in there!" So I did.

06:00 Today's exercise ended with The Grinder which is Death by Push-up. I did "girl push-ups" instead at a slow-ass pace. My hatred for Ryan slowly dissipates as I realize the living room carpet really needs hoovering.

03:05 Cool down. 

An hour later...cooled down.

In all fairness, Ryan really is a decent instructor. He gave alternative movements for those of us that couldn't do the real deal. He was encouraging and said several times..."Go at your own pace, but don't stop." And I found him very motivational.

Well, that was a learning experience.  I learned that I need to move more furniture out of the way.  I need to position my yoga mat better, or use a couple mats because the rug is too slippery for floor exercises.  And I learned, most importantly, that I can push myself when needed. My body can do these things if I actually try. I can't do them nearly as well as Ryan and his gang of expert exercisers, but I can do them. I know it's only Day One, but I'm actually looking forward to doing more TapouT exercises. Someday I'll see improvement and that's my goal. Just to improve.

BEFORE PHOTO

Daddy and Butterball

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES ---> DAY 2