My Obsession with "The Room"

The movie "The Room", written, directed, and starring Tommy Wiseau, is widely regarded as the Citizen Kane of bad movies. I've seen it a million times. (Only slightly exaggerating there.) I've watched it with and without the hysterical RiffTrax audio commentary. I've watched it so much that I've made my own fanvids of it. I have formulated government-style theories around the characters in the movie. I've spliced it into other movie trailers. I've re-edited the movie to remove Lisa completely so it would appear Johnny and Mark are a happily married gay couple who have adopted troubled-teen Denny. I discovered, by accident, that if you play the movie back at the fastest speed possible on VLC Media Player that it improves every one's acting by 375%. I own a copy of the script! I bought Greg Sestero's hilarious book about the making of the movie. I have since bought everything else Tommy and Greg have ever been in, just in case "The Room" was not a fluke and they gloriously suck in other productions as well. 

Let's break down some of that run-on paragraph...

Stalking actors isn't always a bad thing. Especially if you're lazy and can't be bothered with actual physical contact or even going to the post office to mail your hair clippings. There are some instances that stalking is good. When you buy other movies they've been in you're stimulating the economy. (Amongst other things.) Plus, you might find something else to obsess about! Hobbies are good, right??

Greg Sestero was recently in the movie "Dude Bro Party Massacre III," which is a spoof on 80's slasher films. 

I grew up on 80's slasher films! So naturally, I had to get it. Turns out that this movie isn't just a parody; it's an homage to every actor who died a horrifying death in cheap fake blood-soaked camp t-shirts. I really like this movie because it's super-fun and very well done. The actors were all great. Even Gregory "Greg" Sestero. 

STALKER BONUS: Greg's naked chest is on screen for all of 2-seconds in this movie and I proceeded to turn that 2-seconds into a Vine. 

Please don't sue me. I am so damn poor.

By the way, I'm totally using this without permission from Greg's hairless nipples or 5 Second Films, the maker of "Dude Bro Party Massacre III." As a way to say thank you to them not giving me grief about this (insert super-huge fan smile here), I encourage everyone to go get DBPM3 at http://www.dudebropartymassacre3.com. You can watch it online or download it. If you grew up in the 80's and enjoyed watching slasher films, such as Sleepaway Camp, you will love this.

UPDATE: It just struck me that I should have added the "Garbage Day!" audio clip from "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" to this Vine. Dammit! Next time... next time...

Before you think I'm just a horny stalking computer geek, consider that I'm also debating doing the same thing with Patton Oswalt's mustache from that movie. So, it's not strictly a sex-thing.

Or is it????

But my obsession with the video editing software I use? That's masturbatory geekery. I admit it. Movie Maker turns me on.

Did you read above that I own a copy of the script? I do. I ordered it from Tommy's company Street Fashions. When it came, I squeed. I opened the package and proceeded to bounce around like a four-year-old child who received a puppy for Christmas. The words "Oh, my God" were uttered no less than forty time. I had goosebumps. I cried.

Oh, my God!!!!!!!!

Tommy had personally signed my script.

To: Stephanie. May all your dreams come true! Love! Tommy Wiseau 05/28/2015

And before you say, "It's probably just the guy in the mailroom," I googled his signature just to make sure it was his. Hey, I've been stupider before about dumber things! I saw pics of him signing stuff. It's real.


UPDATE: I bought my BFF and fellow Tommy-stalker Stacey the script for Xmas. He signed hers too!! We love you, Tommy!!!

I don't have a solid theory on why this movie is so important to me. Yes, it's awful. Yes, I find it deliriously entertaining. Yes, I suppose it serves as a reminder that no matter how good or talented you are, you can achieve your dreams. But I don't think that's it. I just know it's important to me. And that's it.

I admit it. I freaking LOVE "The Room."

STALKER BONUS: The script came a free pair of Tommy Wiseau underwear. Check out the hip-dick pocket. (Inside joke for the RiffTrax fans!)

And on a final note, if you are at all interested in watching/reading about "The Room," here is the order you should do it in.

1. Watch "The Room" with the RiffTrax audio commentary. (If you don't know how, see me for instructions.)

2. Read Greg Sestero's book "The Disaster Artist: My Life Inside The Room." 

3. Pee yourself with laughter while reading Greg Sestero's book. Occasionally cry with pity.

4. Go back and watch "The Room" without anyone's commentary and appreciate it in all its glory. Sympathize with Claudette for having the world's laziest daughter (oh, and cancer, too). Realize that Lisa isn't really half-bad an actress. Proceed to still hate Lisa for being a tramp. Fail to fathom Mark's complete lack of "what's going on" and backbone. Wonder how in the hell Mark can even survive the day without a service dog to keep him from accidentally walking into traffic. Wish that Johnny would come back as a ghost in "The Room II" and haunt the shit out of everyone in this cast.

5. Repeat.

6. Repeat.

7. Repeat.
...

...
...

103. Come to the realization that Mark is supposed to be Greg. Lisa is supposed to be Tommy. Johnny is the viewing audience. Cry yourself to sleep because you have have nothing left to understand about this movie. You should maybe get some therapy now. But not from Peter. Don't play psychology with him. He's terrible at it.

~Steph

P.S. My apologies to my parents who probably read this whole thing and they have NO clue what any of this meant. They are most likely a lot happier they live in Tennessee now, as it puts a lot of miles between them and my severe weirdness.

A Page From My Brain: Drivers

Drew and I went to Myrtle Beach a couple weeks ago with his family. We had a FANTASTIC time! It was so nice to travel with people I didn't want to kill. (I'm a loud introvert. I like my solitude and I'm quite vocal about it.)

Someday I might write about that trip, but while traveling back home with the hubby and my wonderfully patient mother-in-law, I was engulfed with an overwhelming urge to write a post about other drivers on the road. Probably because we were traveling at 65+ MPH and I couldn't get out of the car and physically strangle them. I'm hampered by the laws of physics, gravity, and my own fat arse.

I made a list of my observations from each State that I've spent enough time in to formulate an opinion of their drivers.

New York – Each NY driver is under the impression that they’re the only good driver in NY and everyone else is an idiot. The only exception is when a NY driver finds themselves out-of-state and happens across another NY driver. They instantly bond over the home state license plate and will say, “Hey! Can you believe how people drive around here? Idiots.” There is one exception…

New Jersey – The only state that scares a NY driver. Crazy as hell, and with good reason. You ever driven on the Garden State Parkway? I have. It’s an amusement park for the NJ driver. I have great respect for NJ drivers and yield the road to them every time. Especially if it’s a big yellow Caddy. You know that car has had a body or two in the trunk at some point in time. I smile, nod, and stay the hell out of their way. Incidentally, this applies to any big yellow Caddy with a Florida plate on it as well. That’s a NJ driver going South for the winter. Get behind them because they will carve a path for you to follow.

Massachusetts – People in MA drive like they’re all transporting pregnant women in labor to the hospital. In the land of the Rotary (aka traffic circle), MA drivers are the closest thing to an F1 driver you will find on the open roads. They stop for nothing and any space is available to them, even if that space is a mere seven foot opening in front of your vehicle. They will cut you off with no notice or remorse. The upside is that you can, and are expected to, do the same thing. It’s encouraged and they hold no ill-will against anyone who does it. It’s a way of life. Horn blowing is an official state language.

     Beep = Cut in front of me, bud. Plenty of room. Go on ahead.

     Beep-beep = Not gonna fit in front of me. Try behind me. I'll squeeze up to make more room.

     Beeeeep = Hello.

    BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP = Welcome to Massachusetts. You should park your car and utilize public transport, such as a taxi or the T. That’s the train, you know. You’ll enjoy your visit more if you do. Have a nice day!

Pennsylvania – I’ve noticed that the skills of PA drivers have improved over the years. They’re kind of slow still, but rarely stay in my way for too long. Unfortunately, it’s still the land of orange cones and construction, so I hate you.

Virginia – WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THE LEFT LANE??? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW TO DRIVE A CAR??? YOU $%#@*$%!!!!!!!

West Virginia – Lock the doors. Make eye-contact with no one.

North Carolina – I have no complaints about NC drivers. However, whoever is in charge of the highway signs for the State of NC needs to be publicly flogged. We were on an interstate that just up and ended without warning. Apparently we needed to exit somewhere along the way, but there was no sign whatsoever about this. This happened three times. Thankfully, I am the Chekov of our vehicle and I can work Google Maps on my phone better than any five-year-old, or we'd probably still be stuck in NC.

South Carolina – No hurries. No worries. Some of the most polite drivers on the road. Massachusetts on Ritalin.

I realize there are exceptions to every rule. Not everyone in Virginia is a left-lane hogging, slow-arsed, son of a HONNNNNNK. But why take the chance that I might be behind you, flipping you off with my mind so hard I'm about to have a stroke. Just move over. Move the eff over.

Above all, drive safe and enjoy the journey.

~ Steph