Food: White Bean Turkey Chili-Soup

I cooked and we lived to tell about it!  I know!  It's really exciting, right?  So exciting that I decided to share it with you.  The recipe came from Tastefully Simple's blog and I slightly modified it for what I had on hand.  It was super easy and soooooo good.

White Bean Turkey Chili-Soup

1 pound ground turkey
1/4 cup Tastefully Simple Wahoo! Chili seasoning
1-1/2 teaspoons Tastefully Simple Garlic Garlic
2 cans black beans
1 4 ounce can jalapenos, chopped
3 cups low-sodium chicken broth
1 cup light sour cream

1.  In a large pan, cook turkey, chili seasoning, and garlic garlic.  Usually about 10 minutes.
2.  Stir in beans, jalapenos, and chicken broth.  Simmer for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.
3.  Stir in sour cream.  Simmer 5 more minutes.
4.  Serve with grilled cheese sandwiches.  Become a cooking superstar.

This serves 6.  In my house it's only 4.  But we eat it as a meal with a sammy.

The original recipe is simple called "soup."  I think of it more as a chili.  Either way, it's awesome. The recipe also called for great northern beans and fire-roasted green chiles.  I love black beans and have a lot of cans in the cupboard, so that's what I used.  The jalapeno swap-out was because that's also what I had.  Either way, this recipe was so good.

CLICK HERE to view the original recipe on Tastefully Simple's blog.  Subscribe to it while you're there.  That's how I saw this delicious recipe.
CLICK HERE to order Tastefully Simple products through my cute hubby's website.

* Disclaimer: Neither Tastefully Simple nor my cute hubby commissioned this post.  I am a big fan (no fat pun intended) of TS products.  Being kitchen-challenged, TS makes it easy for me to look like an awesome cook!  Plus, we found last week during a test run that our furnace was broken.  Drewbie fixed it, saving us a huge repair bill.  He's my hero and he deserves a little advertising for his little side business.

February 2015

For being the shortest month of the year, February lasts a really long time. Especially in Auburn, NY, which as of today, has had 119 inches of snow. I say "had" but the *bleep*ing stuff is still on the ground. It hasn't left. The sun yesterday helped to melt some of the *bleep*ing stuff. The heat wave of 22 degrees was nice. (Insert sarcastic grin here.)

For the benefit of those who aren't here to experience the wonders and joy of Central New York in the winter, I present ... WTF!!! A Photographic Display of *Bleep*ing Stuff.

Our sidewalk.

Our neighborhood.

Our drive to work.

The parking lot at our job.

And just for fun, the same parking lot on a sunny day. 

If anyone comments on how pretty it is, I will hunt you down 

and make you eat all this pretty crap.

Ok. Now that my obligatory rant about winter is out of the way, how about some nice stuff that happened this month.

*  *  *  *  *  *

I went to a Tea Party hosted by Syracuse health store Natur-Tyme! It was a lot of fun. I took pictures, but they sucked. So instead, here's a picture of the mini hat I made and wore to the event. They had raffles for people that wore hats. I wasn't a winner, but the hat was well received. 

We had tea sandwiches, which were amazing. The theme this year was India, and the curry chicken with cranberries and grapes was outstanding! I will have to try to make that. They also served delicious desserts and tea, of course. The tea came from Organic India. I'm completely addicted to it now. Loved it!

*  *  *  *  *  *

Drew finished putting the top on Craft Island!

I love it!!! It's the perfect height for me and everything is organized. (Although I still find myself walking about the room in circles looking for items in their previous homes. It makes me laugh.)

*  *  *  *  *  *

I had a Stampin' Up party this month. My girlfriend and Mommy-Away-From-Mommy Laurie let me host the party at her house. She has the perfect setup for the party. My house can fit maybe five people in it. Tops. She's a lifesaver!!

The cards I made for the swap.

The cards we made at the workshop. I love the Etch-A-Sketch card!!!

So easy to make too!!

Here is a card I made last month for Pam's birthday and forgot to share. It's a shadowbox card. The template is by designer Lori Whitlock. You can download it from Silhouette's website HERE.

*  *  *  *  *  *

Tastefully Simple's Spring-Summer 2015 catalog came out! Lots of neat new products. I can't wait to try the Red Bell Pepper Hummus mix they've got. Drew ordered me a box because he knew I'd be wanting that! Love me some Red Pepper Hummus!! 

Drew's putting together his tasting packets for new parties.

I let him rent out space at Craft Island to work on. I gave him a discount.

And now I'd like to take this time to shamelessly plug my hubby's website.

https://www.tastefullysimple.com/web/dscharoun

People that know me are well aware that I am Drew's biggest fan, as well as his harshest critic. I use a lot of the Tastefully Simple products because I do truly like them. Are there some that suck? A couple, yes. But taste buds aren't universal. What I might hate, you might like. For example, I think the Bayou Bourbon Glaze and Vidalia Onion Dressing are totally freakin' rockin', but the Gluten-Free Pizza is nasty. Your own experience may vary.

And because I promised some of the girls at the Stampin' Up party, here's the recipes I made...

Crock Pot Bayou Bourbon Meatballs

1 large package frozen meatballs

1 bottle Tastefully Simple Bayou Bourbon Glaze

- Put meatballs in a crock pot on low. Cook for 3 hours, stirring every hour. Pour one bottle of glaze over meatballs. Cook another 1-2 hours. Devour!

Simple Broccoli Salad

4 heads broccoli florets, chopped into bite-sized pieces

1/4 cup Tastefully Simple Bacon Bacon

1/2 cup raisins

1/2 cup chopped walnuts

1 bottle Tastefully Simple Vidalia Onion Dressing

- Mix, toss, serve. This keeps very well in the fridge for a few days.

I also served the Asiago Alfredo Warm Dip and Raspberry Chocolate Cheeseball, which were knee-quakingly good. Those are Fall-Winter Items that will only be available until March 7, 2015, so if you girls want them, snag them up now!!

*  *  *  *  *  *  

Let's see, what else happened this month... nothing! Well, nothing of interest to you, probably. We went on a wine tour with a bunch of people from work. That was a lot of fun! Again, no pics. We were mostly well-behaved.

I'm sorry to say that second book isn't any closer to being done. I think about it a lot. Does that count? If you think you're tired of waiting for it, just imagine how my characters feel?

Oh, my God, woman! Please just finish that book!

I haven't had sex in almost three years!!!

Sorry Alex.

~Steph

January 2015

Greetings! For my family and friends and whoever happens to find this, I've decided to give a little summary of my month. 

Here's how my year started... WITH A BANNER!!!!

Or more appropriately, a crappy picture of a banner.

New Years Eve was hosted this year at Stacey's house. We gathered early, ate lots of awesome snacky foods, watched Big Fat Quiz of the Year (an annual British panel show that is our most favorite thing!!!) and drank way too much. That's probably why the picture's crappy. I couldn't be bothered to get off the floor to take it. Incidently, that ball of light is a really cool glowing ornament thingie that is utterly unimpressive when photographed.

This year I decided to be in charge of the decorations. And you know we can't have a party without... MINI HATS!!!

No Al G.! The Xmas mini hats were not a holiday phenomena. Mini hats are for every occasion. Mini hats are FOREVER!

The Front...

The Back...

Funny story about this hat. I turned on my hot glue gun and before the first ribbon was attached to hat, the gun overheated and glue came pouring out of the gun. A glob of lava hit my pinky and I tore at it... like you do... pulling off not only the glue, but a layer of skin. Not to be denied my mini hat, I wrapped my pinky in a wet paper towel to keep it cool and continued until two hats were made.  A red one for me and a black one for Stacey. Unfortunately, I forgot to get pictures of the black one.

Ok, that story wasn't really all that funny. Sorry.

While I made the decorations, Stacey supplied the snacks. She is the sweetest friend and makes sure there's all kinds of things I can eat without suffering a nuclear meltdown in my intestines. This was the night I discovered...

GOAT CHEESE SALSA TORTILLAS!!!

You take a scoopable corn tortilla chip, add a drop of goat cheese and salsa to it, eat, repeat a hundred times. I must have had a few dozen of these. I made up little appetizer platters full of these delicious treats, then ate every single one of them. HEAVEN!!!

Oh look! Another banner! And my BFF! Who will kill me for this.

***********

Drew's had quite an interesting January as well. He decided to use his Xmas bonus to purchase an item he'd been dreaming of owning for years.

A telescope that takes up half my living room.

  

Drew has had a love of space-stuff all his life. His infactuation of astrophysicist and Nova overlord Neil deGrasse Tyson is nothing short of stalkerish. The only thing keeping Drew from standing outside the Hayden Planetarium with a boombox playing "In Your Eyes" is boobs. I have them; HRH Tyson does not.  And that's where the bromance dies.

While I may not understand the whole telescope obsession thing, I do support my hubby's hobbies. He's been desperate to take the telescope outside and use it, but there is no way we're standing outside in zero degree weather to look at something I can google. So, we hauled it upstairs to the front room and Drew can look out the skylight instead. It's not as impressive as viewing the Milky Way on a pitch-black country road in the middle of nowhere, but at least he can use his toy now without the threat of frostbite.

I will admit, it was really neat to watch the clouds (or whatever they are) on Jupiter spin. Yes, that huge tube of mirrors and lenses can capture Jupiter close enough that you can watch stuff spinning. Creepy cool.

***********

Sweetpea would like to report that January sucks.

This is how she tells us to turn up the heat. Completely covering a heat register.

***********

Mardi Gras is coming up next month!!! So I made a wreath.

I did not injure myself making this, but Stacey got a huge blister making hers. She's more dangerous with the glue gun than I am!

See Mom! I used the feathers!!!

***********

And finally, we end this month with something Drew and I have talked about doing for quite a while.

We switched the dining room and offices around.

The hoosier (including all my glorious Crockpots), wine rack, beer-making center, and table came out into the former office area.

We put up the lighted wife shelving we used a craft shows and put the beer on it. It's only lit up for the photo. I don't keep it on. So don't freak out. There's no beer in the bottles at the moment anyway. Eventually there will be curtains that wrap around it to keep light out. That room's pretty dark anyway.

Now for the craft room/office...

I loaded up the now vacant wire rack in the craft room with my supplies.

My new office!!

I love it! I've got a cork board over my desk to pin up things I need for the book --- original artwork for the covers, trinkets from my last trip to Boston, articles about other writers, a signed picture of Oded Fehr from The Mummy (super squee!!!), and a note a fan sent that inspires me to keep going (even though I seem to have stopped at the moment).

On the side wall, I have a poster from Rifftrax Live! Godzilla. My most favoritest Rifftrax Live! event ever, and my second most favorite Rifftrax movie. My first favorite is Birdemic.

Drew's desk was moved into the room. Looks cramped, but it's not. He's very happy with it. And no, he's not just saying that because of the boobs-thing. Sweetpea's bed has moved to the top of the freezer. She likes it there because the other cats don't bug her. (I'm pretty sure they haven't found her yet.)

And finally, this thing in the middle of the room. It's not completed yet, but it will be a workstation. A crafting island for card making, mini hat construction, and wreath decorating. It's missing a top, so I haven't filled the bookshelves yet in case we need to move them. I'm still debating what to put on top. A thick laminated slab costs over $200. Probably more. I've decided to review all my options at this point in time.

So, that's January. I won't bore you with resolutions and all that gunk. Mostly because I didn't make any. I've decided to adopt life-mottos instead.

#1  Keep an open mind.

#2  Don't be rude.

#3  If you want it done, get up and do it. 

And number three applies to anything and everything. Dieting. Exercise. Decreasing debt. Moving some rooms in the house. I worked relentlessly from 5:10pm Friday until 9pm Saturday night to get this done. Drew was with me most of the way. I am kick-ass.

#4  Be the Brightest Star in your own Universe.

~Steph

Jeff's Surprise 50th Birthday Party

Remember that time I organized Diana's wedding reception and I said I'd never plan another party again? Yeah. I lied. Because last month we had...

JEFF'S SURPRISE 50TH BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!

Featuring...

Jeff is my "brother." It's in quotes because he is not my brother by blood. "Brother" is a designation given to me by Jeff's wife Bonny. She uses it when he gets in trouble, like some people do their children or pets.  

"Did you hear what your brother did now?"  

"Ut oh. What'd he do?"

Bonny approached me months ago to discuss a party for Jeff's 50th birthday. She had no idea what to do. A wine trail limo trip? Rent the game bus? Do we do dinner or just beer and munchies? And where do we have it??? It was tough to figure this one out. Bonny was not a party planner and all my ideas involved Michael Bay-style explosions and hot male strippers. Clearly there was a middle ground here we were completely missing. Eventually, the idea of a party was dropped as it turned out Jeff and Bonny would be on a two-week vacation during October and he wouldn't even be here for his birthday. A super-long vacation should be a good enough birthday celebration.

Then something we should have expected happened... word got back to us that Jeff was a little forlorn at the prospect of no party for his 50th birthday...

"Stephanie! We have to have a party!"

"I'm on it!"

After I made sure that Bonny didn't mind my taking over the planning ("Please do!"), I contacted Stacey...

"We're having a surprise birthday party for Jeff! It's going to be the weekend before Halloween!"

"Halloween birthday party? I am all over that!"

Bonny wasn't too keen on the Halloween part...

"I'm not wearing a costume."

"You don't have to."

"No costumes."

"Ok! No costumes! Can we at least have sandwiches and junk food that I don't have to tend to so I'm not in the kitchen all night? Like tailgate food?"

"I think you found the theme to your party."

"FOOTBALL TAILGATE PARTY!!!"

"Jeff's a Chargers fan."

"True. Well, this will be the Chargers party he'll never get to have since they'll never win a Super Bowl in his lifetime."

I broke the news to Stacey...

"It's a football party. Specifically, the Chargers."

"They're blue and yellow."

"Apparently."

"Those colors aren't very Halloweeny."

"No. We have to figure something out here."

"To the Pinterests!"

Stacey found the neatest idea for invitations. Game tickets! I created them using paint.net. They weren't nearly as difficult as they looked like they should have been.

Incidentally, I check online and that section/row/seats are supposed to be the best seats to see a game at Qualcomm Stadium where the San Diego Chargers play. I'm strangely anal about things like that. 

Bonny supplied me the invite list. With just his family, her family, super-close friend, and Jeff's department from work, it was way more than she expected. I assured her this would not be a problem. I mailed the tickets along with a note stating that this was a surprise party and Jeff would be lured to the firehouse under the pretense that he would be attending a Tastefully Simple Fall Catalog Dinner being thrown by my hubby Drew. We have done this in the past, so it's not entirely that odd a scenario. Plus, we figured it was the one event that Jeff would never say no to because it's for the-nicest-guy-on-the-planet-that-would-do-anything-for-anyone Drew. I even mailed a TS invite to Bonny and Jeff for the fake dinner party. We had everything covered!

Unlike Diana's reception, in which the food was provided by Lewis Restaurant and some family members, I said I would do the food. How hard could it be? It's just tailgate party food for 80 people.

Oh, very gosh darn hard!!! For one, I'd never cooked for 80 people before. I had no idea how much I needed for anything. You can google it and it'll tell you that you need 1.25 pounds of food per person of this but only 0.75 of that... blah blah blah... totally unhelpful. I decided to make it based on what we had for Diana's reception, which was 125 people. So, we just need 64% of the amount of food. It was nice in theory.

In the end, I bought way too much, I cooked way too much, and my time management (which is usually spot-on) was woefully inadequate. I underestimated how much time it would take to make the food. When Friday night rolled around, I found myself inundated in the kitchen. To make matters worse, my back seized up at one point during the evening. It was a sad sight. A fat woman crying and cooking while trying not to bend over. Beautiful. 

Having gone to bed at 2:30 am, I was a hideous creature the next day. I showered and dressed to go to a TOPS Rally Event I had to be at. I had debated not going, but I'd already paid for it, so I was going. With wet hair and whatever clothes I could find, I rolled into the car. My fellow members were stunned when I arrived. 

"You look awful."

"Come on! Is it that bad?"

"Yes. Probably worse."

I explained to them what I'd done the previous day. They shook their heads at me.

"Didn't you say you'd never do this again?"

"Did I?"

"Yes."

"I love you guys. Can I have a hug?"

I do truly love them. They're awesome. By the end of the Rally, I was a happy, happy camper. My friends made me laugh and I'd been awarded one of the Top Ten Best Losers for Summer. I got a ribbon and a little certificate. I had no idea! Apparently I was less fat after summer than the beginning of it. To be honest, I hadn't paid that much attention.

Afterwards, we went home and our attentions turned back to Jeff's party. Drew and I loaded up the car with all the food. Thankfully, Drew had taken all the decorations, paper goods, coffee fixings, beer, water, soda, and anything else not requiring refrigeration, over to the firehouse the night before where Christie -- amazing co-worker and Fleming Firefighter/EMT -- was cleaning the hall and setting up the tables for the party.

At 4 pm, Christie, Drew, Stacey and myself, all gathered at the firehouse to start prepping. Stacey and I both thought 4 pm should be plenty of time to do this for a 5:45 pm party. In reality, 3 pm would have been better. We worked quickly though and got the decorations up.

We got cheapo tablecloths from the Dollar Tree. I'd used my Silhouette to cut out some footballs, players & cheerleaders, and Chargers lightning bolts. The tin buckets, also from the Dollar Tree, were filled with peanuts. 

In each of the three side windows, we hung the simple banners I made (love that Silhouette!). Stacey and I made the jersey's from cardstock and foam board backing (also Dollar Tree and again... Silhouette cut outs!). They were so cool! I don't have a photo of it, but the guys were taking pictures of themselves while holding the jerseys in front of them.

Stacey made this really awesome scoreboard!! She, too, is a Silhouette fanatic!

Drew borrowed speakers from our friend and local DJ Toby. Interesting fact... his DJ service is called Silhouettes Co. MORE SILHOUETTES!

And here's our audio technician at the controls! Drew, Stacey, and myself created the ultimate Tailgate Party playlist (thank you Google!) 

As the time grew near, people started to arrive and my anxiety returned tenfold! We'd forgotten to start the coffee --- Stacey took that over. The nacho meat wasn't reheating quickly enough --- Christie grabbed a large skillet and went to town. The Velveeta wasn't melting. 

"Are you kidding me??? You have one function in life, Velveeta! To melt!! Why aren't you melting???"

I'd put it in the crockpot plenty early enough, but it wasn't melting nearly as quickly as my sanity. So, I put the crockpot in the microwave. It took ten minutes and it wasn't so much melted as it had turned into molten plastic. Ridiculous.

As the time grew close to 6 pm, and Jeff's arrival, we were all wondering if we pulled this off. Surprising Jeff was not an easy thing. It's hard to hide things from him.

We did it!!!!!!

He was completely surprised! I can't believe we managed to keep this a secret. Bonny even arranged it so he'd wear his Chargers shirt so he'd fit right in.

FOOD

Appetizers: Nacho bar, Popcorn bar (thank you Christie), Cheeseball (thank you Stacey), Dips, Crockpot Chex Mix

Entrees & Sides: Wegmans Sub Platters, Nino's Pizza, Pasta Salad, Hashbrown Casserole, Baked Beans, Fruit Salad (thank you Stacey)

Dessert: Football cake and cupcakes (thank you Cindy)

Beverages: Wine (thank you Bonny)

This was a great party! Just for fun, here's a list of the stuff Stacey and I thought of but decided we couldn't due... for obvious reasons...

1.  A taped-off VIP section including a couch and two barcaloungers. Like they have at the Dome. Or at least did the last time I was there twenty years ago.

2.  A replica of the ESPN Sportscenter desk for amazing guest photo-ops.

3.  Terry Bradshaw to sit at said ESPN Sportscenter desk. (Yeah, I know. He doesn't work for ESPN. I couldn't tell you which anchor does. But Bradshaw looks like he likes a party!)

4.  A copy of the 1981 Chargers vs Dolphins playoff game to play on the large screen TV. The "Epic in Miami" has been hailed as the best NFL game in history. But apparently no one has a copy of it. I tried like heck to get this.

5. Originally, the banners and jerseys would be hung from ceiling. And there would be dozens of them spanning the room. Kind of glad that we couldn't do that.

There's no way I could have pulled it off. As it was, I couldn't have done what we did without so many people's help. And since this is my blog, I'm going to take a moment to thank them.

Stacey - You are the best co-party-planner ever! You kept me sane when I was freaking out!

Christie - Thanks for booking the fire hall and for all the awesomeness you bring with it! I so appreciate it. And huge thank you to the Fleming #2 Firefighters that helped with clean up. I hope you enjoyed the leftovers. ;)

Cindy - The cake and cupcakes were the bomb!! 

Karen - You helped clean up and did the worst task ever... cleaned out the Velveeta crockpot! Yuck! Thank you!!!

Drew - As always, you were a great help. I can always count on you. You can never leave me. XOX

Bonny - Thanks for entrusting this party in me. I appreciate your low-maintenanced attitude to party-going. Makes my job really easy. Of course, if you weren't, I wouldn't have done it. Ha!

Jeff - For once in your life, thank you for being clueless. By the way, do you now know why Bonny needed to buy more wine in Myrtle Beach??? Duh! Haha!

Thank you everyone who came and participated in the secret! 

Until next time... Bahahahaha! What next time? I'm never doing this again... No, I mean it this time... Sure, I know exactly how much food to make now, but it doesn't mean I'll do this again... There's no next time... No.... No... A wha?????... Really??? I don't know. When is Mardi Gras???... 

STACEY!!! TO THE PINTERESTS!!!!

~Steph

P.S. Pam, my offer still stands. If you and Ralph renew your vows, I will throw you a Harry Potter themed reception afterwards. Just think about it. 

Freezer Recipe: Stuffed Pepper Casserole

Ever since Make & Take closed I've been looking for freezer recipes. I really enjoyed Make & Take because I could make perfectly portioned meals for one or two people. They were easy to put together, easy to cook, and they tasted great! Now I'm trying to find simple but yummy recipes I can make in big batches and freeze. That way during the week I can thaw one out and toss it in the oven for dinner.

For freezing, I buy rectangular tin containers from the Dollar Tree. You get 3 for $1, and they come with cardboard lids that are foil lined on one-side, so I can write on the tops without worrying about them soaking through on the other.

Below is a recipe I found recently and tailored to my tastes and cooking skill-level, which is currently "gee, do I have to?"

Stuffed Pepper Casserole

6 bell peppers (any color), chopped into 1/2 inch pieces

1 onion, chopped into 1/2 inch pieces

1 package Wegmans Poultry Italian Sausage, mild or hot

1-10.5 oz can diced tomatoes

4 cups Basmati rice, cooked (It's 1 cup uncooked.)

16 oz shredded sharp cheddar cheese

2 TBSP Italian seasoning
Grated parmesan cheese, optional (Not in my house, but maybe it's optional in yours.)

If you bought the Italian Sausage in the link form, squeeze the meat out of the casing. I find it easiest to take a knife and run it down the outside and just pull the casing off. It's a lot less messy that way.

Cook the sausage, peppers and onion in a large frying pan until the sausage is done. The chicken sausage has enough moisture that you don't need to add oil, but not too much that you need to strain it afterwards. Remove from the heat and mix in the rest of the ingredients. Separate into containers. I filled 4 tin containers. One container is a meal for me and the hubby. (Honestly, I could probably eat just one by myself. This is so yummy.)

Bake (thawed) at 375 degrees for 35 minutes. Plate up and sprinkle parmesan cheese on top.

Here's one of the tins of Stuffed Pepper Casserole with the date made and cooking instructions on the lid.

The Adventures of Butterball: The Cheeto Dust Weight Loss Challenge - Week Two

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid, plus-sized girl. Enjoy! *

Last week on Cheeto Dust Weight Loss Challenge...

I've entered a weight loss challenge with some of my male co-workers. So far I'm in the lead with a 10.5 pound loss, which is 3.88% of my body weight. I am determined that by the end of March I will come out on top of all 14 of these guys. 

That's what she said!

Shut up, Hoyt!!!

THE CHEETO DUST WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE

WEEK TWO

Having firmly established my eating plan of a healthy fruit and veggie smoothie for breakfast, I've decided to take it to the next level.

A healthy fruit and veggie smoothie for breakfast AND lunch. * Cue dramatic music. *

Drew wasn't interested in the smoothie lunch, so he had to figure out what to eat for himself. I continued to make smoothies for both of us for breakfast though.

Honestly, it wasn't that hard for me. I enjoy the smoothies, and I've never felt so good since drinking them. My brain isn't in a complete fog all the time. I'm wide awake. I have more energy. My co-worker Pam wants to strangle me because I babble non-stop. Like a 15-year old girl whose woken up one morning and discovered that the boy who sits in front of her in English smells like a man. I am just that hyper all the time now. It's no wonder that Drew supports my health eating plan 100%!

Another interesting side effect of drinking two green smoothies a day? I poop green. I do. I poop out foliage. It's like broccoli soup. Weird.

Here's my new recipe this week. It's for the juicer. Drew hates it, but I like it.

Sweet Potato Blast

Servings: 2

1 sweet potato, cubed
2 apples
1 red, yellow or orange bell pepper
3 clementines

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Exercise has picked up. And I'm not just talking about my bouncing off the walls (although that's gotta burn up some serious calories after two or three hours). I went back to yoga on Monday night. I haven't been to a class since October. It was interesting. I'd forgotten how challenging it can be.

Bend over and touch the floor.
Yeah, I can do that.
...with your feet together, toes touching.
Well, now I can't. My thighs are in the way.
Kneel, bend forward, arms stretched out in front of you, and breathe.
I can't! My tits are suffocating me!
Go down on one knee...
Mother-puss-bucket! That's a lot of weight for one knee, lady!
Stretch to the side, push your hip forward.
I'm heavily lopsided at this point. Oh crap. Mayday! Mayday! We're going down!
That's what she sai--
HOYT! And get out of my head!
Now the other knee...
ME..SWEARING..BIG..BAD..WORDS..AAAARGHHH!!!
Sit, legs stretched out in front of you, bend forward, try to get your chin to your knees.
I would, but my stomach is already there. I can set my chin on my chest which is currently being pushed up into my face. Charming. You know, somewhere there's a guy who'd pay a lot of money to wank off to this. One guy. Somewhere. Who fulfills that market niche.

I do actually enjoy yoga. My yogini is very understanding and patient with regards to the challenges I bring to class each week. I never give up though. I adjust. I do the best I can. And occasionally -- just occasionally -- I surprise her. But mostly I make faces and flip her off. That's how she knows she's doing a good job!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

On Wednesday night, I got a haircut. For fun, I weighed myself before and after the haircut. 0.6 pounds lost. And here it is!!!

It looks like someone murdered a Tribble.

While cutting my hair, my hairdresser Jennifer made an interesting discovery...

"You have some curly hair back here."
"I've seen those. A couple strands that are wicked curly?"
"There's a bunch. And they're in clumps."
She held up a clump for me to see.
"Wow! Does that mean I'm getting old?! Is that old people hair?!"
"No." Pause. "I won't tell you what they look like." Snicker.
"OH MY GOD! I HAVE HEAD PUBES!"

Yep! Apparently I'm growing pubic hair on my head now. Fantastic! Drew can't grow any hair on his head, but I can grow ALL of it there. Ugh.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Monday, January 20th : Weigh-In Day!!!

This week I weighed in at... 262 pounds??? I went up 2 pounds? For crying out loud! I'm no longer in the lead. I'm not far behind though. Oh well. I still feel a lot better, so I'll keep trudging along doing what I do.

Still Happy!
Steph

The Adventures of Butterball: The Cheeto Dust Weight Loss Challenge - Week One

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid, plus-sized girl. Enjoy! *

Preface: Did you notice I changed the header above? It used to say "stupid fat girl." I made one resolution for 2014, and that was not to use the F-word. FAT. I use it constantly, usually in reference to myself, and always in a derogatory manner. Even when it's funny. I've decided to stop doing that. I'll use it when I'm referring to trimming up chicken boobs or when discussing nutritional content of certain foods, but not about myself. Or anyone else. No more.

Ok. Now that's enough seriousness. Let's talk about stupid. (I'll give up that word next year.)

THE CHEETO DUST WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE

WEEK ONE

Yes, my dear friends and internet passers-by, I've entered another weight loss challenge! This one is at work, and it involves about 14 guys and me. No, I'm not talking about a Rugby team. (But I like the way you think.) It's actually more entertaining than that.

For a couple years now, some guys at work have participated in a weight loss challenge. It usually goes for a couple of months. This time from January to March. You pay $5 and the person that loses the biggest percentage of body weight wins the money in the form of a Dick's Sporting Goods Gift Card.

PSA: John would like everyone to know that their website is www.dickssportinggoods.com. Yep, it's the ENTIRE store name. Do not shorten it. DO NOT! Just trust us here. It's for your own safety. Thank you.

This year I learned that the Guys Weight Loss Contest was not just for guys. Anyone could join. To date, no woman had because no woman wants anyone else to know her weight, which is kind of counter-productive for a WEIGHT loss contest. I don't honestly care if anyone knows my weight because I'm a fa--, er, extra-extra large girl. There's really no hiding the fact. Everyone's fully aware I'm playing Russian Roulette every time I sit on the exercise ball that's rated up to 250 pounds. One of these times that baby's gonna blow, hurtling plastic and sand in every direction at a horrifying rate. Casualties will be in the tens, or even twenties.

Needless to say, my morbid obesity is a glaringly obvious. So, I paid my money and immediately started trash talking the other players how they were gonna go down! (Remember, I am professionally trained in this sport by Jason.)

The name of the challenge is something I made up. And I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that uses it still. It was inspired by a conversation at work with Hardware Support.

"You know you've got an eating problem when all your t-shirts have Cheeto Dust racing stripes across the chest." ~ John H.

Don't all challenges have t-shirts? I paid five bucks. Where's my t-shirt?

I don't have a problem with Cheeto Dust on my t-shirts. Because I suck every speck of Cheeto Dust from my fingers!! No speck left behind!

MONDAY, JANUARY 6th- Starting Weight 270.50 lbs. (As witnessed by no less than 4 of my fellow challengers.)

HOLY CANNOLI! That's a lot. Even more than I expected. It also means I've almost put back on all the weight I lost previously.

Crap.

But that's ok! It's a starting point, and I can work with that. Everyone starts somewhere. I just happen to be starting at 1/10 the weight of a 2013 Kia Rio. Or the same weight as a 2013 Hoveround Teknique XHD front-wheel drive power chair, including the batteries.

Double Crap.

Well, if I don't want to end up having to buy the Hoveround (because my knees are starting to fail under all this weight), I better get to work.

MONDAY, JANUARY 6th

Breakfast: Blueberry & spinach smoothie (Meh. Blueberries were freezer-burned. Not good.)

Lunch: Lean Cuisine Santa Fe Beans & Rice (Shut up! I happen to love this!)

Dinner: Baked chicken with corn & potatoes

Snacks: Trail mix (It's almonds, sunflower seeds, and dried cranberries.)

I'm introducing green smoothies to my diet! I use my new Ninja (Hi-ya!) Professional Master Prep blender to make them.(The Hi-ya! is for Drew. Every time I say Ninja, he says Hi-ya! He even gives his best dork Ninja pose. Seriously. Try it. Walk up to him and ask, "How's that Ninja blender working?" He will likely strike a pose.)

I also gave up coffee today. At least at work. I might have a cup at home on the weekends. I was overdoing it massively on the job. There's something about unlimited access to caffeine and a 32-ounce plastic reusable cup that leads to danger. It's no surprise that I had a severe headache all day and night.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7th

Breakfast: Orange & carrot smoothie (Not too bad.)

Lunch: Smart Ones Turkey & Mashed Potatoes (Turkey was good. Potatoes were nasty.)

Dinner: Baked chicken and a small handful baked fries

Snacks: Trail mix (I really like this stuff.)

Today's smoothie was good. That Ninja (Hi-ya!) is so easy to clean-up too. As long as you don't try to cut your thumb off. Like I did today! (OW!!!) I don't know how many calories are in human tissue, but I don't think Drew noticed. I wonder how much weight is in a sliver of skin. Which reminds me. I think I'll suggest circumcision to the guys as another weight loss option.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8th

Breakfast: Peanut butter, chocolate spirulina protein & spinach shake (Sounds gross. Tastes awesome!)

Lunch:Smart Ones Cheesy Potatoes (These potatoes are good! They should put them in all their meals.)

Dinner: Cheese tortellini in a tomato & spinach sauce (I cooked! Surprise!)

Snacks:Trail mix (I make this myself.)

The diet's going well. I realize that frozen meals for lunch aren't exactly "healthy," but I'm not ready to substitute smoothies or juicing for lunch yet. Plus, I've got all these things in my freezer. Not about to just throw them away. That's not fiscally responsible.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9th

Breakfast:Peanut butter, chocolate spirulina protein & spinach shake (Yes, again. I told you it's good!)

Lunch:Fretta, no toast

Dinner:9 chicken wings w/ bleu cheese

Snacks:Trail mix (Ok, when I say "make," I combine them all into baggies.)

Lunch was at the diner. Drew insisted we had to take Jessica out for lunch today because she's leaving this weekend to go back to Boston. We love Jessica to death, but honestly, he just really wanted diner food. *Sigh* Fighting Drew's love of the diner is a battle I will never win.

Thursday is my "I get to eat whatever I want for dinner" day. It's our Tops Club meeting night, and we get home late. I screamed WINGS PLEASE! I skipped the pizza because the grease and crust can bother me. I've never had an issue with wings. Until tonight...

FRIDAY, JANUARY 10th

Breakfast:Orange & carrot smoothie

Lunch:2 eggs over easy, 2 slices Ezekiel toast w/ almond-coconut

Dinner:Leftover cheese tortellini with yada yada yada

Snacks:Trail mix (Yes, that counts as making it!), Some nastiness

I was up most of the night with acid reflux and stomach cramps. WTF?? The only time I have acid reflux at night is when I'm out doing something that involves a DJ, shots, and my baby brother Countryham. (Drunk names are the best, aren't they?) I know that wasn't the case because all I drank the previous night was water, and I did not wake up with laryngitis, amnesia, or the urge to apologize to my dear, sweet husband (and legally-binding designated driver) for something I might have done. Ugh. Scratch wings off the list of stuff I can tolerate.

I tried a kale juice recipe today for a snack. It didn't sit well with me. I could blame my stomach problems from the night before, but honestly, the stuff smelled and tasted like freshly mowed lawn. I demanded to go home for lunch, where Drew made me some eggs and toast. It settled the situation. Thank God.

On the plus side, my Hamilton Beach Big Mouth Centrifugal Juicer is amazing! Given enough time and the motivation that can only be found when dealing with Blue Shield Empire's Real-Time Eligibility Department, I think I could dispose of an entire human body in it. (I moved you to the top of the list, Jim!)

Meanwhile, my fellow contestants had these helpful websites to offer today:

"Need a new cookbook to kick off your diet plans?" ~ Don P.

I already own "Fifty Shades of Chicken." Hey! It's a best seller! Great recipes and the book parody portions are a riot!

"For those of you that need to be terrified of food in order to stay away from it." ~ Matt N.

I have eaten Batter Blaster. It was fun! And any child who grew up loving Willy Wonka (the "real" Willy Wonka -- Gene Wilder) would totally want edible plates! To this day, I still want eat a tea cup. That was so cool!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 11th

Breakfast: Chocolate cherry smoothie, 1 slice Ezekiel toast w/ almond-coconut butter

Lunch:Spinach salad w/ grilled chicken, goat cheese, walnuts, cranberries (Thank you Lasca's Gift Card!)

Dinner:Goulash

Snacks:Trail mix (I don't see you getting off your arse and doing it!), One glass of dry red wine

Today was all about Drew. He asked for the smoothie, which, despite the title, was very healthy. And damn tasty!! Lunch was compliments of a gift card that was given to him. (Thank you Maggie! XOXOX) And he made dinner. Poor-man's Goulash. Which, he proudly announced, has spinach pasta in it so you get your veggies too. Seriously? Somedays it feels like a battle that will never end. But I love the big lug, and he did cook, so BON APPETIT!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12th

Breakfast:Vanilla almond chai green smoothie (I rock!!!)

Lunch:Roasted gnocchi, steamed broccoli, almond coffee green smoothie (Still rockin'!!)

Dinner:Slow Cooker Chicken Cacciatore (Ah, frick!)

Snacks:Trail mix (My mother was right about you!!), Last of the red wine

I was doing so good today! Breakfast was amazing. Lunch was superb. Dinner tasted like sucking linguine off Zach Galifianakis' dirt star. (Mom, if you don't get that reference, ask my sister Amy. She'll be glad to explain.) I followed the recipe!! Ugh. Drew ate it. I think just out of sheer hungry and fear. I drank wine instead. One glass. Dammit. I want more.

Note: I spelled Galifianakis correctly the first time without googling it. I think I get a badge for my Facebook page, or something, right?

MONDAY, JANUARY 13th ----WEIGH-IN DAY

With two witnesses by my side, I stepped on the scale... 260.00. 10.50 pounds gone!! And just like that I'm in the lead with a 3.88% loss.

I GOT THIS!!!!

Goals for next week: More smoothies. More exercise. Less blood and human tissue consumption.

Good luck next week, boys! Maybe someday you can grow up so I can play with some real men. I mean, too bad you're not man enough to play with the big girl. Er, dammit! I still suck! I mean...ah, forget it!!

~Steph

* If you want to know more about the smoothie recipes, visit my Smoothies! Pinterest page. I've commented the ones I've tried and noted any changes I made to them.