The Adventures of Butterball: Beyond Blubberdome Is Over!

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

It's July 5th, which means the...

Beyond Blubberdome: 

Butterball vs Temporarily Fat Jason 

Weight Loss Challenge eXXXtreme

...is over. And the winner (to no one's surprise) is JASON!!! He had a loss. I don't think I did. I don't actually have the numbers in front of me.

The challenge started off well. I didn't have any great loss at any time, but I was exercising and trying. Eventually due to health issues and just general laziness, we each kind of gave up. That about sums up everyone and everything around here. But hey! We were entertaining for a little while.

I suggested to Jason that perhaps the next challenge should only be two weeks long. He said the winner of that would just need to figure out how to have the best bowel movements. Honestly? It would probably be more entertaining that way too. Admit it! You all like poop jokes!

Anyway, to Jason...

Here's your high five...

The Adventures of Butterball: Stupid, Take Two!

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Hey. Remember me? It's been a while. Almost three weeks since I've done any TapouT XT workout. Almost two weeks since I've kayaked (but that's mostly because of cold, lousy weather). Almost a week since I've eaten a vegetable and only three hours since I've eaten something I shouldn't. And I'm back to publicly announce that I forgive myself...again!...and to declare my renewed interest in getting back into the ring for another fight to get my life back on track. Blah blah blah. Fart jiggle squint.

What happened? What do you think? I came down with a case of idontgiveafuckitis. Symptoms include low self-esteem, lack of enthusiasm and diarrhea. (Although the latter was discovered to be the after-effect of too much coffee. Yay.)

There is some good news. I no longer have an intolerance for wheat, soy, milk and sugar so I can eat almost everything again. The bad news is I CAN EAT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING AND I WILL!!! I was bitter when I couldn't eat lasagna, but now nothing's keeping me from eating the whole damn pan. Except for maybe that slice I'll give Drew. Maybe two if he rubs my feet later.

In my pursuit of good health, great abs, and a mediocre view from behind I've discovered a lot of things. Some good; some bad. Knowledge is a good thing though...usually.

#1 Blogging about the pursuit of your dreams and goals is highly motivating. Mainly because of the fear of having to publicly admit you failed. There were many, many mornings that I did not want to get up and workout but the thought of having to tell people that I didn't do it got my butt out of bed. And in the beginning a lot of people would check on me daily. I did NOT want to say to them, "Oh, I wussed out." I loved shocking them with my workouts.
    Over time I stopped blogging and posting updates on Facebook. Mostly because I had nothing new to say. I figured if it wasn't funny it wasn't worth posting. But when I think about it people were just as supportive when I was just admitting to a new workout benefit, such as increased energy or being able to climb the stairs without dying on the first landing, as the funny bits. I think the most comments I got were about the gloves photo, and I almost didn't post that because it seemed stupid. But stupid is what I do! So I posted away and the negative ignorant soul-sucking life-draining vampires can kiss my big, fat, hairy ass.

#2  I never realized the true extent of the benefits of my workouts. Yes, I had more energy. Yes, I was happier and more emotionally stable. I just never knew how much until now. I'd been pampering myself for my hard work with home spa treatments and splurging on mega-healthy treats that might cost a little more. But those things weren't just rewards and little "thank you's" to myself, they were part of the reason I was doing so much better. Like the rest, little by little they went to the wayside and it wasn't until I hit bottom again that I noticed how much it meant to me.

#3  Exercise + Water + Sleep = the fucking obvious. Oh, who the hell am I kidding! There's no surprises in any of this. The surprise is that I'm going to try this again. Not again, but pick up where I left it off.

I wish I had something mind-blowing to end with or that I could promise you this will never happen again, but I am human. And stupid. And a chronic life-lesson repeater. And still fat. So, let the next lesson begin.

Why don't you just give up this charade and accept who you are? The only people who say "I'm happy with who I am and if people don't like it they can go to hell" are assholes. Really. Think about it. Everyone can use a little improvement. Right now my mother's thinking I should probably stop swearing. I could. If you are who you are, then you're a dick. Fix yourself and you'll be amazed how much around you gets fixed in the process. If nothing else, it'll flesh out your friends from the negative ignorant soul-sucking life-draining vampires faster than I can down a bowl of ice cream.

Damn. I could really go for a 5-Scoop Reese' Pieces Sundae with Chocolate Almond Chip Ice Cream right now.

Drew! How late is Friendly's open?!

The Adventures of Butterball: Beyond Blubberdome Week 4

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

I don't have anything too interesting to say about the diet and exercise this week. Drew tried to poison me. That's about it. 

Actually, I have no idea what upset my stomach, but something did. Monday night and most of Tuesday I was a hurtin' mess. I blamed Drew's cooking, but I don't really know what it was. My stomach's tempermental now so it would have been anything. I haven't eaten anything on the "naughty" list, but it doesn't always mean my stomach likes me still.

Anyhoo, I tried to exercise Tuesday morning despite the pain. I had to pause it a couple times because of nausea. Finally with 35 minutes done of the 50 minutes workout I had to stop completely. I was very dizzy and sick again.

I ended up missing Wednesday morning's exercises because of lingering pain. I was better by Wednesday night but missed Thursday's workout just because I slept through it. I figured it would happen at some point. I'd spent 40+ years hitting the snooze button and it was bound to happen at least one morning without me remembering. 

Even though it wasn't a "perfect" workout week, I'm happy with the outcome. Finally, after 4+ weeks of strenuous workouts...

5.75 POUNDS LOST!!!

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!!!

I'm comin' for ya, you big ugly ape!!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

The Adventures of Butterball: Beyond Blubberdome Week 3

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Ok, I'm pretty sure everyone who said, "Oh, you'll start burning fat in 2-3 weeks" or "Keep up the good work! You'll see results soon!" are somewhere in an evil lair laughing their asses off now at my expense.

A two and a half pound gain this week.

Really? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm so pissed I'm not even going to bleep that out. I did all my workouts this week and I busted my ASS doing them.

And to make matters worse, Jason had a shit week (still no goddamn bleeps!) and he still managed a pound loss. I don't know how, but I'm sure he's to blame for all this. Someday I'll figure it out and when I do I'll kick him square in the package. 

Incidently, that was the workout this morning. Muay Thai. Which is Romulan for "Kick to the Testes." It was a great workout. I sweated my invisible balls off. If they had been real balls I might have lost some weight!!!

You know I didn't start exercising expecting a miracle. It's not like I wanted to be Gina Carano...

Ok, sure. Of course I'd love to be Gina Carano. I just meant that it's not going to happen. But I also didn't want to be Pam Poovey...

Even though Pam is pretty cool and she can out-sex Archer, so there is that. Not to mention we both have a soy-allergy. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

Well, I guess I'm going to have to get drastic now to lose the weight.

The Adventures of Butterball: Beyond Blubberdome Week 2

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

I had a 1.25 pound loss this week. I should be happy about this. As everyone says, "Hey! It's a loss! Any loss is a good loss!" This is true, but when you've worked as hard as I have it's still a little disappointing. I'm morbidly obese (a term that makes my morbidly obese stomach churn). You'd think that I would be dropping pounds in the beginning like Paula Dean drops butter into something baked with a lot of butter. (I don't know. I don't bake.) 

I know what the experts all say. It takes a few weeks for the muscle to start burning that fat. And I'd already gone through my initial "water loss" stage months ago when I started eating healthy, so I don't even have that perk this time around. Still, it kinda sucks.

But! I'm not quitting. There have been so many other perks to this exercising thing (if you missed it, see here) that I'm not giving up. I know the long-term benefits will be coming. That's why it's called "long-term." (Genius!)

I have to give Jason congrats on doing so well, even if he wasn't really trying. But he's still a bastard.

Enjoy the lead while you can, Temporarily Fat Purple Disney-Copyrighted Octopus Creature-Thingie!! My fantasy boyfriend Prince Eric is gonna kick your ass! You'll know him by the white shirt, blue pants and red belt that he ALWAYS wears. I mean, seriously? Can't switch it up with maybe a tight black T and khaki's once in a while? At least he's not Prince Charming and wears red pants. Soooo embarassing. Poor Cinderella. Anyway, bite me, calamari witch.

P.S. Yeah, I'm not planning to win any photoshop awards either.

The Adventures of Butterball: Beyond Blubberdome, or I Haven't Done Anything Stupid In A While, So...

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid fat girl.  Enjoy! *

Yesterday my co-worker, friend and fellow fatty Jason emailed me. 

Fancy a friendly weight loss contest?

Ok, those weren't the exact words but it's close enough.

Jason is a very competitive person. He's a very fair person. He's sharp-minded with an even sharper tongue.  He can be very witty and even downright ruthless with his comedic remarks. He's proven in the past that he can very effectively lose weight too. This would be a mental and physical challenge in which he would take no prisoners.

STUPID ALERT!!

I don't like challenges. I'm not a competitive person. I play trivia for fun. I don't keep score. My parents forced me to play summer softball when I was young because it got me out of the house. I would get physically ill before games just thinking about it. But I do enjoy a little friendly battle. Especially one that will keep me motivated to exercise, so...

Sure! Why not?

And thus was born...

Beyond Blubberdome: 

Butterball vs Temporarily Fat Jason 

Weight Loss Challenge eXXXtreme

This is a serious challenge being performed by two people who take not being serious very seriously. (Yeah, I think I got that right.) Jason's going to trash talk me and I'm going to say things like, "Kiss my fat ass, jerkface! I mean, not literally. That's gross. You know what I mean!" I don't do trash talk very well. I have no hope of reigning supreme there. The best I can do is to be annoying as all hell. If I'm lucky it might come off as moderately humorous.

So, let the game begin.

You are so going down TFJ! I mean, not literally. That's gross. You know what I mean!

Yep. Now you know why there's a triple-X in the title. It's not just my shirt size and a so-so Vin Diesel action flick. It's pretty much where all conversations lead to. Even the ones I have with myself. Conversations, that is. I mean...oh nevermind.

For details about the challenge and to see the "lovely" challenge photos he stole and photoshopped artistically created, see Jason's blog.