Monday, January 13, 2014

The Adventures of Butterball: The Cheeto Dust Weight Loss Challenge - Week One

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *
* trials and tribulations as a stupid, plus-sized girl. Enjoy! *


Preface: Did you notice I changed the header above? It used to say "stupid fat girl." I made one resolution for 2014, and that was not to use the F-word. FAT. I use it constantly, usually in reference to myself, and always in a derogatory manner. Even when it's funny. I've decided to stop doing that. I'll use it when I'm referring to trimming up chicken boobs or when discussing nutritional content of certain foods, but not about myself. Or anyone else. No more.

Ok. Now that's enough seriousness. Let's talk about stupid. (I'll give up that word next year.)


THE CHEETO DUST WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE
WEEK ONE


Yes, my dear friends and internet passers-by, I've entered another weight loss challenge! This one is at work, and it involves about 14 guys and me. No, I'm not talking about a Rugby team. (But I like the way you think.) It's actually more entertaining than that.

For a couple years now, some guys at work have participated in a weight loss challenge. It usually goes for a couple of months. This time from January to March. You pay $5 and the person that loses the biggest percentage of body weight wins the money in the form of a Dick's Sporting Goods Gift Card.

PSA: John would like everyone to know that their website is www.dickssportinggoods.com. Yep, it's the ENTIRE store name. Do not shorten it. DO NOT! Just trust us here. It's for your own safety. Thank you.

This year I learned that the Guys Weight Loss Contest was not just for guys. Anyone could join. To date, no woman had because no woman wants anyone else to know her weight, which is kind of counter-productive for a WEIGHT loss contest. I don't honestly care if anyone knows my weight because I'm a fa--, er, extra-extra large girl. There's really no hiding the fact. Everyone's fully aware I'm playing Russian Roulette every time I sit on the exercise ball that's rated up to 250 pounds. One of these times that baby's gonna blow, hurtling plastic and sand in every direction at a horrifying rate. Casualties will be in the tens, or even twenties.

Needless to say, my morbid obesity is a glaringly obvious. So, I paid my money and immediately started trash talking the other players how they were gonna go down! (Remember, I am professionally trained in this sport by Jason.)


The name of the challenge is something I made up. And I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that uses it still. It was inspired by a conversation at work with Hardware Support.


"You know you've got an eating problem when all your t-shirts have Cheeto Dust racing stripes across the chest." ~ John H.


Don't all challenges have t-shirts? I paid five bucks. Where's my t-shirt?

I don't have a problem with Cheeto Dust on my t-shirts. Because I suck every speck of Cheeto Dust from my fingers!! No speck left behind!

MONDAY, JANUARY 6th- Starting Weight 270.50 lbs. (As witnessed by no less than 4 of my fellow challengers.)

HOLY CANNOLI! That's a lot. Even more than I expected. It also means I've almost put back on all the weight I lost previously.

Crap.

But that's ok! It's a starting point, and I can work with that. Everyone starts somewhere. I just happen to be starting at 1/10 the weight of a 2013 Kia Rio. Or the same weight as a 2013 Hoveround Teknique XHD front-wheel drive power chair, including the batteries.

Double Crap.

Well, if I don't want to end up having to buy the Hoveround (because my knees are starting to fail under all this weight), I better get to work.

MONDAY, JANUARY 6th

Breakfast: Blueberry & spinach smoothie (Meh. Blueberries were freezer-burned. Not good.)
Lunch: Lean Cuisine Santa Fe Beans & Rice (Shut up! I happen to love this!)
Dinner: Baked chicken with corn & potatoes
Snacks: Trail mix (It's almonds, sunflower seeds, and dried cranberries.)

I'm introducing green smoothies to my diet! I use my new Ninja (Hi-ya!) Professional Master Prep blender to make them.(The Hi-ya! is for Drew. Every time I say Ninja, he says Hi-ya! He even gives his best dork Ninja pose. Seriously. Try it. Walk up to him and ask, "How's that Ninja blender working?" He will likely strike a pose.)

I also gave up coffee today. At least at work. I might have a cup at home on the weekends. I was overdoing it massively on the job. There's something about unlimited access to caffeine and a 32-ounce plastic reusable cup that leads to danger. It's no surprise that I had a severe headache all day and night.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7th

Breakfast: Orange & carrot smoothie (Not too bad.)
Lunch: Smart Ones Turkey & Mashed Potatoes (Turkey was good. Potatoes were nasty.)
Dinner: Baked chicken and a small handful baked fries
Snacks: Trail mix (I really like this stuff.)

Today's smoothie was good. That Ninja (Hi-ya!) is so easy to clean-up too. As long as you don't try to cut your thumb off. Like I did today! (OW!!!) I don't know how many calories are in human tissue, but I don't think Drew noticed. I wonder how much weight is in a sliver of skin. Which reminds me. I think I'll suggest circumcision to the guys as another weight loss option.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8th

Breakfast: Peanut butter, chocolate spirulina protein & spinach shake (Sounds gross. Tastes awesome!)
Lunch:Smart Ones Cheesy Potatoes (These potatoes are good! They should put them in all their meals.)
Dinner: Cheese tortellini in a tomato & spinach sauce (I cooked! Surprise!)
Snacks:Trail mix (I make this myself.)

The diet's going well. I realize that frozen meals for lunch aren't exactly "healthy," but I'm not ready to substitute smoothies or juicing for lunch yet. Plus, I've got all these things in my freezer. Not about to just throw them away. That's not fiscally responsible.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9th

Breakfast:Peanut butter, chocolate spirulina protein & spinach shake (Yes, again. I told you it's good!)
Lunch:Fretta, no toast
Dinner:9 chicken wings w/ bleu cheese
Snacks:Trail mix (Ok, when I say "make," I combine them all into baggies.)

Lunch was at the diner. Drew insisted we had to take Jessica out for lunch today because she's leaving this weekend to go back to Boston. We love Jessica to death, but honestly, he just really wanted diner food. *Sigh* Fighting Drew's love of the diner is a battle I will never win.

Thursday is my "I get to eat whatever I want for dinner" day. It's our Tops Club meeting night, and we get home late. I screamed WINGS PLEASE! I skipped the pizza because the grease and crust can bother me. I've never had an issue with wings. Until tonight...

FRIDAY, JANUARY 10th


Breakfast:Orange & carrot smoothie
Lunch:2 eggs over easy, 2 slices Ezekiel toast w/ almond-coconut
Dinner:Leftover cheese tortellini with yada yada yada
Snacks:Trail mix (Yes, that counts as making it!), Some nastiness

I was up most of the night with acid reflux and stomach cramps. WTF?? The only time I have acid reflux at night is when I'm out doing something that involves a DJ, shots, and my baby brother Countryham. (Drunk names are the best, aren't they?) I know that wasn't the case because all I drank the previous night was water, and I did not wake up with laryngitis, amnesia, or the urge to apologize to my dear, sweet husband (and legally-binding designated driver) for something I might have done. Ugh. Scratch wings off the list of stuff I can tolerate.

I tried a kale juice recipe today for a snack. It didn't sit well with me. I could blame my stomach problems from the night before, but honestly, the stuff smelled and tasted like freshly mowed lawn. I demanded to go home for lunch, where Drew made me some eggs and toast. It settled the situation. Thank God.

On the plus side, my Hamilton Beach Big Mouth Centrifugal Juicer is amazing! Given enough time and the motivation that can only be found when dealing with Blue Shield Empire's Real-Time Eligibility Department, I think I could dispose of an entire human body in it. (I moved you to the top of the list, Jim!)

Meanwhile, my fellow contestants had these helpful websites to offer today:


I already own "Fifty Shades of Chicken." Hey! It's a best seller! Great recipes and the book parody portions are a riot!


I have eaten Batter Blaster. It was fun! And any child who grew up loving Willy Wonka (the "real" Willy Wonka -- Gene Wilder) would totally want edible plates! To this day, I still want eat a tea cup. That was so cool!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 11th


Breakfast: Chocolate cherry smoothie, 1 slice Ezekiel toast w/ almond-coconut butter
Lunch:Spinach salad w/ grilled chicken, goat cheese, walnuts, cranberries (Thank you Lasca's Gift Card!)
Dinner:Goulash
Snacks:Trail mix (I don't see you getting off your arse and doing it!), One glass of dry red wine

Today was all about Drew. He asked for the smoothie, which, despite the title, was very healthy. And damn tasty!! Lunch was compliments of a gift card that was given to him. (Thank you Maggie! XOXOX) And he made dinner. Poor-man's Goulash. Which, he proudly announced, has spinach pasta in it so you get your veggies too. Seriously? Somedays it feels like a battle that will never end. But I love the big lug, and he did cook, so BON APPETIT!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12th


Breakfast:Vanilla almond chai green smoothie (I rock!!!)
Lunch:Roasted gnocchi, steamed broccoli, almond coffee green smoothie (Still rockin'!!)

Dinner:Slow Cooker Chicken Cacciatore (Ah, frick!)
Snacks:Trail mix (My mother was right about you!!), Last of the red wine

I was doing so good today! Breakfast was amazing. Lunch was superb. Dinner tasted like sucking linguine off Zach Galifianakis' dirt star. (Mom, if you don't get that reference, ask my sister Amy. She'll be glad to explain.) I followed the recipe!! Ugh. Drew ate it. I think just out of sheer hungry and fear. I drank wine instead. One glass. Dammit. I want more.

Note: I spelled Galifianakis correctly the first time without googling it. I think I get a badge for my Facebook page, or something, right?

MONDAY, JANUARY 13th ----WEIGH-IN DAY

With two witnesses by my side, I stepped on the scale... 260.00. 10.50 pounds gone!! And just like that I'm in the lead with a 3.88% loss.


I GOT THIS!!!!

Goals for next week: More smoothies. More exercise. Less blood and human tissue consumption.

Good luck next week, boys! Maybe someday you can grow up so I can play with some real men. I mean, too bad you're not man enough to play with the big girl. Er, dammit! I still suck! I mean...ah, forget it!!
~Steph

* If you want to know more about the smoothie recipes, visit my Smoothies! Pinterest page. I've commented the ones I've tried and noted any changes I made to them.