Cards, Cards, and More Cards...

I know I've been quiet on the blog, but that should be changing soon. A lot's happened since I last wrote... well, a lot for me. Remember, I'm an introvert. It doesn't take much for "a lot" to happen.

The biggest thing is I got a new computer. My last one was eight years old. In PC years, that's about 102. I loved that PC. I expected a lot from it, and it almost always delivered. But it was too old and slow for the software anymore, so Drew (with the help of my "brother" Jeff) ordered me a new one from Dell. It has actual bought and paid-for software in it. Legit copies of Windows7 and Office 2013. Yes. LEGIT. We can afford it, and I deserve it. Yes. I DESERVE IT. I bet that's two things no one ever expected me to admit to.

The new PC is amazing!!! I love it. It's fast. It's reliable. It's all mine. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. Now I can do what I need to do faster and more efficient. Like write porn romantic adult novels.

The new PC can also run my Silhouette Designer Edition software much better. I love to design, cut, and make cards. The old PC just frustrated me all to heck because it took forever just to open the software. Now it's a breeze! And cards are more important than ever to me because I'm making them for two very important charities:

Project: I Care is the work of Jim the Gentleman Crafter, an amazing steampunk crafter and blogger that I follow. He works for Seton Breast Care Center, and he requested Thank You cards from his crafty followers that the center can use to send to people who donate to the center. I gladly sent off 25 cards.

Operation: Write Home is an organization that sends cards to the troops overseas for them to send back home to loved ones. I'm in the process of putting together a box of 100 cards for them. I've got 74 so far. The soldiers love to sort through the boxes of cards to find something special to send home. It's a great thing this organization does and I'm so proud that I can help.

Below are some of the cards I've made recently that will be going to Afghanistan, or Korea, or anywhere we have soldiers stationed on foreign soil.

I don't know if a soldier would have use for a popsicle card, but I just love those cards and I made a bunch. They're so Summery! Hell, if it just makes a soldier smile, that's fine. I have one on my desk at work just to cheer me up. Summer's coming. Right? Right???

I finally got a photography light tent. Drew was going to make me one, but after spending a few hours asking me a million questions and tallying up the ridiculous supply list, I said, "NEVERMIND!" and bought one off Amazon for $20. A decent investment, I think. I need to research setting up the lighting better around it. I just pulled it out of the box and started winging it. Already better though, don't you think?

Also in March was Terrie's Stampin' Up Workshop. The below two cards are the ones we made at the workshop.

The swap theme was Congratulations. Below is Stacey's card. Very romantic!

This is my card. Baby!

And the batteries on the camera died. And I didn't charge the spares! Way to go, Steph! I'll have to get the rest of the pics next time.

To my friends and followers, expect another blog post soon. Now that I can post these quickly, I'll be more inclined to do so.

~Steph

The Boston Trip, October 2013

Last October, Drew and I took a trip to Boston. I'm just now getting around to sorting through the picture and writing about it.

If you only care about the pictures and not the details, click on the oysters below. Go ahead! They don't bite...

Boston 2013

Otherwise, here's what we did...

Drew and I love Boston! We love everything in New England, especially along the coast. I love it so much I set the location for my Lyssa Winfield Mystery book series in Boston. We planned a long-weekend trip last October just before Halloween to visit Boston, and the surrounding area. I made it very obvious to anyone that would listen to me for more than two minutes, that this trip was about one thing, and one thing only.

My book.

I wanted to visit everywhere I talked about, all the streets everyone lived on, where they worked, ate, and played. Yes, the book is fictional, but a lot of it was based heavily on actual places. 

FRIDAY - After a beautiful, sunny drive across New York and Massachusetts, we arrived in Concord. Home to many writers: Henry David Thoreau, Louisa May Alcott, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Nathaniel Hawthorne. They lived there; they died there; they're buried there at Sleepy Hollow Cemetery (no relation to the story). 

Concord is also the site of Old North Bridge where the "shot heard round the world" was fired, which was essentially the start of the American Revolutionary War.

But the main reason we came to Concord was this...

PRISCILLA'S CANDY SHOP!!! It's where Lyssa stopped for a small box of ganache truffles while she was out driving around, avoiding the FBI, and trying to figure out if Alex was going to kill her. Like my heroine, I did the same thing. (Got chocolates, not the driving thing.) I got Dark Chocolate Mint, Hazelnut, Dark Chocolate Tiramisu, and (my favorite!!!) Champagne. We also got about thirty bucks in other chocolate goodies. So dang good!!!

While in Concord, we ate lunch at Helen's Restaurant. I got a Shrimp Po'Boy, which was excellent. Drew had the Chicken Thai Wrap, which he said was really good!!

After Concord, we decided it would be fun to live like a true Bostonian and tried to take I95 on a Friday afternoon into Boston. Frustrating, but not nearly as bad as Wegmans parking lot on a Saturday morning.

I took the opportunity to contact our friend Jessica. She's a college student from back home whom I'd met at work where she interns during the summer and Christmas breaks. She attends Emerson College in Boston and she's been a huge inspiration for the next Lyssa Winfield Mystery book. She happened to be home and we promised her dad Mike, whom we also happen to work with, that we'd stop by at some point to install a new locking doorknob on her bedroom door. I got the address and we got off the interstate.

I wish I took a lot more pictures than I did. The suburb of Boston that Jessica lives in is crazy. I can't even describe it. It's like if Chinatown invited Greenwich Village over for a rave in the middle of a hundred-square blocks that are comprised entirely of college student housing. Just insane-o. If I were a college student, I'd live here too. I bet you can get in all kinds of trouble here.

And be careful that you don't get hit by a train, because cars and trains share the same intersections and stop-lights. No joke.

Drew giving Jessica a lesson in DIY.

Don't be fooled by the photo. Jessica is neither fat nor pregnant. She's actually very thin. My camera was jealous.

After fixing the door and catching up for a few minutes with Jess, we headed into Boston to find our hotel. Wish we'd done that in the daylight! Boston traffic is psychotic. It took two trips around the block, but we did eventually find the Park Plaza.

I don't have much to say about the hotel. It was your standard hotel room. Nothing special. Except it was near EVERYTHING!!! I've visited Boston a number of times in my life. Enough that I don't really need a map to get around anymore, but I've never stayed inside actual Boston. I always stayed outside and taken the train in. I am now spoiled beyond belief.

We walked a lot around Concord, and we were in no mood to walk much further for the night, so we decided to eat at MJ O'Connor's. An Irish Pub on the same block as the hotel.

GOOD CHOICE!!! I got their "Award Winning" Clam Chowder. They weren't kidding. The BEST EVAH!!! Oh my God! One taste and you instantly start talking like a Southie. Drew got the Guiness Onion Soup and that was amazing too! The place was hopping and the staff was great. We really enjoyed it there.

SATURDAY - We got up early and started walking. We hit the Emerson Cafe for a simple breakfast. Danishes and coffee. Then we kept walking. Today was all about taking in the sites. Not the tourist sites. We've done those before. This was about getting over into the sections of town where Alex lives, where Val's yoga studio resides, and where future murders will likely take place. (The books! I'm talking about the books!)

I won't bore you with all the details, but it was just incredible to walk around this gorgeous city. Now, before you think I tortured Drew with my little fantasy walking book tour, he loved it just as much as me. And to prove it, I let him buy me lunch at The Union Oyster Bar.

See! He so happy!!! Actually, he is. It was very touristy, but the bar was super cool, the Union Oyster Ale draft was great, and the fact we could be there was just neat. It's fun to say we ate at America's Oldest Restaurant. 

Afterwards, at the insistence of Jason (another huge Boston fan), we hit Mike's Pastry for some super nommy muffins for breakfast the next morning.

The infamous box!

In the late afternoon, we met up with Jessica again. She took us down Newbury Street. I soooo have to come back here to do some shopping in warmer weather. We stopped at Pinkberry for frozen yogurt. Jess had raved about this place at work so we had to try it. It was just as amazing as she said.

We traveled down to Quincy Market. By now it was dark. It was the weekend before Halloween, so the costumed partiers were starting to come out. I would have loved to stay, but we were getting tired. We bid Jessica a fond farewell and promised her that when she graduates and moves to Boston permanently we will visit all the time. Especially if she has a guest room.

For dinner, we ate very, very late at a restaurant across the street. It came highly recommended by Jessica and is a fave of her father's.

Maggiano's. 

It was one of the best meals we have ever had. They do something with roasted potatoes which has to be illegal. I can't describe it, but Drew has been perfecting the recipe ever since we returned. When Mike visits his daughter in Boston, the first thing he says to me upon returning is, "We went to Maggiano's." He says it in this deep, evil voice with a villainous twinkle in his eye. I say, "Describe it to me. I want to know everything." It's sinful and delectable. I would travel all the way to Boston just for Maggiano's.

SUNDAY - We got up early and said goodbye to Boston. We successfully navigated our way out of the city, heading North.

The Gloucester Fisherman's Memorial

The artist community of Rockport

Lots of galleries and shops!

Motif #1

Our last stop on our weekend getaway. Rockport. A community full of artists and craftsmen. It just love it here. I visited once and always swore to come back.

And yes, it's in the book. The Waldron Art Gallery (named after my good friend and artist Georgia) is in Rockport on Main Street.

After a few hours in Rockport, Drew and I drove home. We were sad to leave. We truly love it here. I don't know if we ever got the opportunity to move here if we would. We also truly love Key West. And London. But at least Boston is only six hours away. We can visit at any time.

If only Boston had a Wegmans...

If you want to see more pictures, click on the beauties below.

Boston 2013

Happy Belated Suck-Face Day

Valentine's Day came and went with it's usual annoyance. It's the one holiday that just about everyone hates. People who are single hate it and are usually obnoxiously vocal about that, which leads to me say things like, "I can't imagine why you're still single. You have such a heart-warming attitude." People who are in an established relationship hate it because we're not allowed to enjoy it because of the aforementioned miserable people. Hippies hate it because it's pure consumerism. 

Actually, you don't have to be a hippy to hate the commercialism of any holiday. "Every kiss begins with K." No. No no no. The word kiss begins with the letter K. Most physical kisses begin with some kind of positive stimuli. You've just eaten a good meal with your partner. You're hunkering down into a warm bed for a long night's sleep. You just received a Kohl's gift card. You're on your fifth shot at the bar and will suck on the face of anyone willing to join you for a jello shot. 

I was going to mention an exchange of money for sexual favors might be involved too, but hookers don't kiss. I learned that from television.

The one person who likes Valentine's Day more than anyone else in the world is the girl who is in a new relationship with a guy, and this is their first V-Day. The one person who hates it more than anyone else in the world is her guy. NO PRESSURE TO GET THIS RIGHT, SON!

Despite all that, I do like Valentine's Day for the red and white decor, and the cards. Here's some cheeriness to remind us it's not all bad.

Kat gave me a bag of wreaths that were going to be thrown out as she thought I might be able to re-use them. I found a heart-shaped vine wreath amongst them and re-purposed it into this cute, simple Valentine's wreath. It's ten inches in height and is currently hanging in my living room. I will probably leave it there. It's adorable!

For Laurie's card party last month, we had a card swap with a Love/Valentine's Day theme.

WARNING: My photos are complete and utter crud. I have no idea why they are so blurry, and I'm honestly too tired to go re-do them. Forgive my laziness today.

I feel terrible because I don't really remember who did what cards. I admit to having a bad memory, but I can usually tell who did what. Card makers each have their own style. This time around the cards were so different that I can't honestly tell you who made most of them.

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the heart basket on the left was Stacey's contribution, and the second card on the left was mine. I mean, I'm thick-headed but I do know my own card. It's a heart puzzle with a piece taken out of it. In its place is the word You. Inside the card was the phrase, "You will always be in my heart." Awwwww. Pretty gushy for me. I had considered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame."

More card swap cards. I think Christie might have been the second from the left, and maybe Shirley to the right of hers. Maybe not.

These are the cards we made at the workshop. I never would have picked the colors for that first card, but it works! As Jessica said, "It's very 80's." And the card on the far right was Jessica's swap contribution. It's from SU's Whole Lot of Love campaign which unfortunately ended January 27th. The cards and stamp sets were wonderful. I did get the Follow Your Heart set which has the Eiffel Tower stamp you see on the card. (You can never really have too many Eiffel Tower stamps.) We made the cards ourselves, which is always a treat!

It was a great party, and Laurie's house is perfect for card making. A nice big table and huge kitchen. Which is why I'm having my party there in a couple weeks! I hope to have more (and better) photos from that party. Maybe I'll snag some pics of my fellow card makers at work! I'm sure they'll loooooove me for that.

~Steph

Freezer Recipe: Stuffed Pepper Casserole

Ever since Make & Take closed I've been looking for freezer recipes. I really enjoyed Make & Take because I could make perfectly portioned meals for one or two people. They were easy to put together, easy to cook, and they tasted great! Now I'm trying to find simple but yummy recipes I can make in big batches and freeze. That way during the week I can thaw one out and toss it in the oven for dinner.

For freezing, I buy rectangular tin containers from the Dollar Tree. You get 3 for $1, and they come with cardboard lids that are foil lined on one-side, so I can write on the tops without worrying about them soaking through on the other.

Below is a recipe I found recently and tailored to my tastes and cooking skill-level, which is currently "gee, do I have to?"

Stuffed Pepper Casserole

6 bell peppers (any color), chopped into 1/2 inch pieces

1 onion, chopped into 1/2 inch pieces

1 package Wegmans Poultry Italian Sausage, mild or hot

1-10.5 oz can diced tomatoes

4 cups Basmati rice, cooked (It's 1 cup uncooked.)

16 oz shredded sharp cheddar cheese

2 TBSP Italian seasoning
Grated parmesan cheese, optional (Not in my house, but maybe it's optional in yours.)

If you bought the Italian Sausage in the link form, squeeze the meat out of the casing. I find it easiest to take a knife and run it down the outside and just pull the casing off. It's a lot less messy that way.

Cook the sausage, peppers and onion in a large frying pan until the sausage is done. The chicken sausage has enough moisture that you don't need to add oil, but not too much that you need to strain it afterwards. Remove from the heat and mix in the rest of the ingredients. Separate into containers. I filled 4 tin containers. One container is a meal for me and the hubby. (Honestly, I could probably eat just one by myself. This is so yummy.)

Bake (thawed) at 375 degrees for 35 minutes. Plate up and sprinkle parmesan cheese on top.

Here's one of the tins of Stuffed Pepper Casserole with the date made and cooking instructions on the lid.

The Adventures of Butterball: The Cheeto Dust Weight Loss Challenge - Week Three and 3/4

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid, plus-sized girl. Enjoy! *

Last week (or so) on Cheeto Dust Weight Loss Challenge...

I saved four kittens from drowning in the Mississippi. Or not. I don't remember. 

THE CHEETO DUST WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE

WEEK THREE and 3/4

This is late. I know. A bunch of people have complained to me about it. I didn't have the energy to write something up, and, more importantly, I didn't really have anything to say. So, this week you just get my ramblings. Almost none of them have to do with the CDWLC, but that's what you get for following me around on the internet. Inconsistency and ramblings.

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My Diet-Friendly Tip of the Week

If you plan to give your co-workers Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix In A Jar for Christmas, bury the chocolate chips at the bottom. If you put them at the top, some poor, sad, weak-willed girl is liable to open the jar and eat the chocolate chips without even bothering to make the cookies.

I'm just sayin' that it's possible...

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Last weekend Drew and I finally watched the last Harry Potter movie. Drew had read the books, and I'd read all the spoilers online (mostly by mistake), so we didn't feel this great urge to rush to see it. If you haven't seen the movie, there may be some spoilers here. Then again, this movie came out in 2011. I'm pretty sure if you haven't seen it by now then you don't deserve to be protected from spoilers anymore. I mean, I found out the ending and I didn't complain about it. It's been 3 bloody years since it came out!

When I watch a movie, I really watched a movie. I get into it. I talk through it. Mostly to complain. Once in a while I'll jump up and scream, "Run, you stupid mother effer!" Yeah, I'm that person. I only do that at home though. I'm rarely in the theater, but if I am, I don't do that. Because I don't want to get shot. By Drew. It makes him crazy with rage that I talk through everything.

Here's what I screamed during Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, Part 2:

• Ok. The movie is starting. It's over two hours long? Oh sweet Jesus. Can we just skip to the part where Harry kills Voldemort? No? Oh, alright.

<<< I proceed to ask Drew nine-million questions because he read the books and I don't really remember much of the previous movies. After every answer, I say, "Are you sure?" And he stops talking to me. Until the next question... >>>

• This is hilarious! Hermione looks just like Bellatrix! So cool.
• BORN FREE!!!! I want a dragon.
• Why are the students just running around the halls like a bunch of jerks? Pick a window and defend it! You stupid, little prats! Where are they going?! Are you effing kidding me??? 
• Holy shite. Snape really got the short end of the stick, huh? Oh, is he really gonna die? That sucks. Say it Harry! Say it! "By Grapthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged!" HAHA!
• Why the hell didn't they just call this whole thing "Hermione and Snape Save the World"?
• Wow. Turns out Dumbledore really was a dick. Could he at least show a little remorse for this? Dick.
• Harry's dad was a bully. Brilliant. I wish Snape's ghost would show up and bitch-slap those glasses off his face. Dick.
• ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME??? STOP RUNNING AROUND!!!
• Bellatrix is dead! YES!!!
• Do you realize if they just let Harry die in the first movie then Voldemort probably could have been defeated anyway? And Snape could have been left alone.
• Nineteen years later? No one did anything for nineteen years? Lazy gits.
• What the hell happened to Ginny Weasley's face? It's flat as a pancake. And as round as one.
• Haha! Ron got fat! 
• Ah, even Draco got married and had kids. Nice. I liked his mother's character. She was kind of cool.
• Well, that was good. Those kids really turned out to be good actors. I like that Hermione stopped being quite so melodramatic. Luna was my favorite though. But honestly, can someone give Alan Rickman a role where he gets to be the knight in shining armor? Really. Let me check IMDB...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!! ALAN RICKMAN'S CHARACTER IN GALAXYQUEST WAS ALEXANDER DANE!!! BUT THAT'S THE NAME OF MY HERO IN MY BOOKS! I DIDN'T REMEMBER THAT! OH MY GOD!!! HOW FREAKIN' COOL!!!!!

My final verdict: GalaxyQuest is the best movie on the planet. Or any other planet in the Universe.

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My Favorite Saying This Week

"I didn't fall off the wagon. I murdered the driver."

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MONDAY, JANUARY 27TH - WEIGH-IN DAY

I gained a pound. So bite me. I'll get back to it in a minute, but first...

The Adventures of Butterball: The Cheeto Dust Weight Loss Challenge - Week Two

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid, plus-sized girl. Enjoy! *

Last week on Cheeto Dust Weight Loss Challenge...

I've entered a weight loss challenge with some of my male co-workers. So far I'm in the lead with a 10.5 pound loss, which is 3.88% of my body weight. I am determined that by the end of March I will come out on top of all 14 of these guys. 

That's what she said!

Shut up, Hoyt!!!

THE CHEETO DUST WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE

WEEK TWO

Having firmly established my eating plan of a healthy fruit and veggie smoothie for breakfast, I've decided to take it to the next level.

A healthy fruit and veggie smoothie for breakfast AND lunch. * Cue dramatic music. *

Drew wasn't interested in the smoothie lunch, so he had to figure out what to eat for himself. I continued to make smoothies for both of us for breakfast though.

Honestly, it wasn't that hard for me. I enjoy the smoothies, and I've never felt so good since drinking them. My brain isn't in a complete fog all the time. I'm wide awake. I have more energy. My co-worker Pam wants to strangle me because I babble non-stop. Like a 15-year old girl whose woken up one morning and discovered that the boy who sits in front of her in English smells like a man. I am just that hyper all the time now. It's no wonder that Drew supports my health eating plan 100%!

Another interesting side effect of drinking two green smoothies a day? I poop green. I do. I poop out foliage. It's like broccoli soup. Weird.

Here's my new recipe this week. It's for the juicer. Drew hates it, but I like it.

Sweet Potato Blast

Servings: 2

1 sweet potato, cubed
2 apples
1 red, yellow or orange bell pepper
3 clementines

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Exercise has picked up. And I'm not just talking about my bouncing off the walls (although that's gotta burn up some serious calories after two or three hours). I went back to yoga on Monday night. I haven't been to a class since October. It was interesting. I'd forgotten how challenging it can be.

Bend over and touch the floor.
Yeah, I can do that.
...with your feet together, toes touching.
Well, now I can't. My thighs are in the way.
Kneel, bend forward, arms stretched out in front of you, and breathe.
I can't! My tits are suffocating me!
Go down on one knee...
Mother-puss-bucket! That's a lot of weight for one knee, lady!
Stretch to the side, push your hip forward.
I'm heavily lopsided at this point. Oh crap. Mayday! Mayday! We're going down!
That's what she sai--
HOYT! And get out of my head!
Now the other knee...
ME..SWEARING..BIG..BAD..WORDS..AAAARGHHH!!!
Sit, legs stretched out in front of you, bend forward, try to get your chin to your knees.
I would, but my stomach is already there. I can set my chin on my chest which is currently being pushed up into my face. Charming. You know, somewhere there's a guy who'd pay a lot of money to wank off to this. One guy. Somewhere. Who fulfills that market niche.

I do actually enjoy yoga. My yogini is very understanding and patient with regards to the challenges I bring to class each week. I never give up though. I adjust. I do the best I can. And occasionally -- just occasionally -- I surprise her. But mostly I make faces and flip her off. That's how she knows she's doing a good job!

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On Wednesday night, I got a haircut. For fun, I weighed myself before and after the haircut. 0.6 pounds lost. And here it is!!!

It looks like someone murdered a Tribble.

While cutting my hair, my hairdresser Jennifer made an interesting discovery...

"You have some curly hair back here."
"I've seen those. A couple strands that are wicked curly?"
"There's a bunch. And they're in clumps."
She held up a clump for me to see.
"Wow! Does that mean I'm getting old?! Is that old people hair?!"
"No." Pause. "I won't tell you what they look like." Snicker.
"OH MY GOD! I HAVE HEAD PUBES!"

Yep! Apparently I'm growing pubic hair on my head now. Fantastic! Drew can't grow any hair on his head, but I can grow ALL of it there. Ugh.

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Monday, January 20th : Weigh-In Day!!!

This week I weighed in at... 262 pounds??? I went up 2 pounds? For crying out loud! I'm no longer in the lead. I'm not far behind though. Oh well. I still feel a lot better, so I'll keep trudging along doing what I do.

Still Happy!
Steph

The Adventures of Butterball: The Cheeto Dust Weight Loss Challenge - Week One

* The Adventures of Butterball are true stories about my *

* trials and tribulations as a stupid, plus-sized girl. Enjoy! *

Preface: Did you notice I changed the header above? It used to say "stupid fat girl." I made one resolution for 2014, and that was not to use the F-word. FAT. I use it constantly, usually in reference to myself, and always in a derogatory manner. Even when it's funny. I've decided to stop doing that. I'll use it when I'm referring to trimming up chicken boobs or when discussing nutritional content of certain foods, but not about myself. Or anyone else. No more.

Ok. Now that's enough seriousness. Let's talk about stupid. (I'll give up that word next year.)

THE CHEETO DUST WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE

WEEK ONE

Yes, my dear friends and internet passers-by, I've entered another weight loss challenge! This one is at work, and it involves about 14 guys and me. No, I'm not talking about a Rugby team. (But I like the way you think.) It's actually more entertaining than that.

For a couple years now, some guys at work have participated in a weight loss challenge. It usually goes for a couple of months. This time from January to March. You pay $5 and the person that loses the biggest percentage of body weight wins the money in the form of a Dick's Sporting Goods Gift Card.

PSA: John would like everyone to know that their website is www.dickssportinggoods.com. Yep, it's the ENTIRE store name. Do not shorten it. DO NOT! Just trust us here. It's for your own safety. Thank you.

This year I learned that the Guys Weight Loss Contest was not just for guys. Anyone could join. To date, no woman had because no woman wants anyone else to know her weight, which is kind of counter-productive for a WEIGHT loss contest. I don't honestly care if anyone knows my weight because I'm a fa--, er, extra-extra large girl. There's really no hiding the fact. Everyone's fully aware I'm playing Russian Roulette every time I sit on the exercise ball that's rated up to 250 pounds. One of these times that baby's gonna blow, hurtling plastic and sand in every direction at a horrifying rate. Casualties will be in the tens, or even twenties.

Needless to say, my morbid obesity is a glaringly obvious. So, I paid my money and immediately started trash talking the other players how they were gonna go down! (Remember, I am professionally trained in this sport by Jason.)

The name of the challenge is something I made up. And I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that uses it still. It was inspired by a conversation at work with Hardware Support.

"You know you've got an eating problem when all your t-shirts have Cheeto Dust racing stripes across the chest." ~ John H.

Don't all challenges have t-shirts? I paid five bucks. Where's my t-shirt?

I don't have a problem with Cheeto Dust on my t-shirts. Because I suck every speck of Cheeto Dust from my fingers!! No speck left behind!

MONDAY, JANUARY 6th- Starting Weight 270.50 lbs. (As witnessed by no less than 4 of my fellow challengers.)

HOLY CANNOLI! That's a lot. Even more than I expected. It also means I've almost put back on all the weight I lost previously.

Crap.

But that's ok! It's a starting point, and I can work with that. Everyone starts somewhere. I just happen to be starting at 1/10 the weight of a 2013 Kia Rio. Or the same weight as a 2013 Hoveround Teknique XHD front-wheel drive power chair, including the batteries.

Double Crap.

Well, if I don't want to end up having to buy the Hoveround (because my knees are starting to fail under all this weight), I better get to work.

MONDAY, JANUARY 6th

Breakfast: Blueberry & spinach smoothie (Meh. Blueberries were freezer-burned. Not good.)

Lunch: Lean Cuisine Santa Fe Beans & Rice (Shut up! I happen to love this!)

Dinner: Baked chicken with corn & potatoes

Snacks: Trail mix (It's almonds, sunflower seeds, and dried cranberries.)

I'm introducing green smoothies to my diet! I use my new Ninja (Hi-ya!) Professional Master Prep blender to make them.(The Hi-ya! is for Drew. Every time I say Ninja, he says Hi-ya! He even gives his best dork Ninja pose. Seriously. Try it. Walk up to him and ask, "How's that Ninja blender working?" He will likely strike a pose.)

I also gave up coffee today. At least at work. I might have a cup at home on the weekends. I was overdoing it massively on the job. There's something about unlimited access to caffeine and a 32-ounce plastic reusable cup that leads to danger. It's no surprise that I had a severe headache all day and night.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7th

Breakfast: Orange & carrot smoothie (Not too bad.)

Lunch: Smart Ones Turkey & Mashed Potatoes (Turkey was good. Potatoes were nasty.)

Dinner: Baked chicken and a small handful baked fries

Snacks: Trail mix (I really like this stuff.)

Today's smoothie was good. That Ninja (Hi-ya!) is so easy to clean-up too. As long as you don't try to cut your thumb off. Like I did today! (OW!!!) I don't know how many calories are in human tissue, but I don't think Drew noticed. I wonder how much weight is in a sliver of skin. Which reminds me. I think I'll suggest circumcision to the guys as another weight loss option.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8th

Breakfast: Peanut butter, chocolate spirulina protein & spinach shake (Sounds gross. Tastes awesome!)

Lunch:Smart Ones Cheesy Potatoes (These potatoes are good! They should put them in all their meals.)

Dinner: Cheese tortellini in a tomato & spinach sauce (I cooked! Surprise!)

Snacks:Trail mix (I make this myself.)

The diet's going well. I realize that frozen meals for lunch aren't exactly "healthy," but I'm not ready to substitute smoothies or juicing for lunch yet. Plus, I've got all these things in my freezer. Not about to just throw them away. That's not fiscally responsible.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9th

Breakfast:Peanut butter, chocolate spirulina protein & spinach shake (Yes, again. I told you it's good!)

Lunch:Fretta, no toast

Dinner:9 chicken wings w/ bleu cheese

Snacks:Trail mix (Ok, when I say "make," I combine them all into baggies.)

Lunch was at the diner. Drew insisted we had to take Jessica out for lunch today because she's leaving this weekend to go back to Boston. We love Jessica to death, but honestly, he just really wanted diner food. *Sigh* Fighting Drew's love of the diner is a battle I will never win.

Thursday is my "I get to eat whatever I want for dinner" day. It's our Tops Club meeting night, and we get home late. I screamed WINGS PLEASE! I skipped the pizza because the grease and crust can bother me. I've never had an issue with wings. Until tonight...

FRIDAY, JANUARY 10th

Breakfast:Orange & carrot smoothie

Lunch:2 eggs over easy, 2 slices Ezekiel toast w/ almond-coconut

Dinner:Leftover cheese tortellini with yada yada yada

Snacks:Trail mix (Yes, that counts as making it!), Some nastiness

I was up most of the night with acid reflux and stomach cramps. WTF?? The only time I have acid reflux at night is when I'm out doing something that involves a DJ, shots, and my baby brother Countryham. (Drunk names are the best, aren't they?) I know that wasn't the case because all I drank the previous night was water, and I did not wake up with laryngitis, amnesia, or the urge to apologize to my dear, sweet husband (and legally-binding designated driver) for something I might have done. Ugh. Scratch wings off the list of stuff I can tolerate.

I tried a kale juice recipe today for a snack. It didn't sit well with me. I could blame my stomach problems from the night before, but honestly, the stuff smelled and tasted like freshly mowed lawn. I demanded to go home for lunch, where Drew made me some eggs and toast. It settled the situation. Thank God.

On the plus side, my Hamilton Beach Big Mouth Centrifugal Juicer is amazing! Given enough time and the motivation that can only be found when dealing with Blue Shield Empire's Real-Time Eligibility Department, I think I could dispose of an entire human body in it. (I moved you to the top of the list, Jim!)

Meanwhile, my fellow contestants had these helpful websites to offer today:

"Need a new cookbook to kick off your diet plans?" ~ Don P.

I already own "Fifty Shades of Chicken." Hey! It's a best seller! Great recipes and the book parody portions are a riot!

"For those of you that need to be terrified of food in order to stay away from it." ~ Matt N.

I have eaten Batter Blaster. It was fun! And any child who grew up loving Willy Wonka (the "real" Willy Wonka -- Gene Wilder) would totally want edible plates! To this day, I still want eat a tea cup. That was so cool!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 11th

Breakfast: Chocolate cherry smoothie, 1 slice Ezekiel toast w/ almond-coconut butter

Lunch:Spinach salad w/ grilled chicken, goat cheese, walnuts, cranberries (Thank you Lasca's Gift Card!)

Dinner:Goulash

Snacks:Trail mix (I don't see you getting off your arse and doing it!), One glass of dry red wine

Today was all about Drew. He asked for the smoothie, which, despite the title, was very healthy. And damn tasty!! Lunch was compliments of a gift card that was given to him. (Thank you Maggie! XOXOX) And he made dinner. Poor-man's Goulash. Which, he proudly announced, has spinach pasta in it so you get your veggies too. Seriously? Somedays it feels like a battle that will never end. But I love the big lug, and he did cook, so BON APPETIT!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12th

Breakfast:Vanilla almond chai green smoothie (I rock!!!)

Lunch:Roasted gnocchi, steamed broccoli, almond coffee green smoothie (Still rockin'!!)

Dinner:Slow Cooker Chicken Cacciatore (Ah, frick!)

Snacks:Trail mix (My mother was right about you!!), Last of the red wine

I was doing so good today! Breakfast was amazing. Lunch was superb. Dinner tasted like sucking linguine off Zach Galifianakis' dirt star. (Mom, if you don't get that reference, ask my sister Amy. She'll be glad to explain.) I followed the recipe!! Ugh. Drew ate it. I think just out of sheer hungry and fear. I drank wine instead. One glass. Dammit. I want more.

Note: I spelled Galifianakis correctly the first time without googling it. I think I get a badge for my Facebook page, or something, right?

MONDAY, JANUARY 13th ----WEIGH-IN DAY

With two witnesses by my side, I stepped on the scale... 260.00. 10.50 pounds gone!! And just like that I'm in the lead with a 3.88% loss.

I GOT THIS!!!!

Goals for next week: More smoothies. More exercise. Less blood and human tissue consumption.

Good luck next week, boys! Maybe someday you can grow up so I can play with some real men. I mean, too bad you're not man enough to play with the big girl. Er, dammit! I still suck! I mean...ah, forget it!!

~Steph

* If you want to know more about the smoothie recipes, visit my Smoothies! Pinterest page. I've commented the ones I've tried and noted any changes I made to them.