Saturday, May 7, 2016

My Obsession with "The Room"

The movie "The Room", written, directed, and starring Tommy Wiseau, is widely regarded as the Citizen Kane of bad movies. I've seen it a million times. (Only slightly exaggerating there.) I've watched it with and without the hysterical RiffTrax audio commentary. I've watched it so much that I've made my own fanvids of it. I have formulated government-style theories around the characters in the movie. I've spliced it into other movie trailers. I've re-edited the movie to remove Lisa completely so it would appear Johnny and Mark are a happily married gay couple who have adopted troubled-teen Denny. I discovered, by accident, that if you play the movie back at the fastest speed possible on VLC Media Player that it improves every one's acting by 375%. I own a copy of the script! I bought Greg Sestero's hilarious book about the making of the movie. I have since bought everything else Tommy and Greg have ever been in, just in case "The Room" was not a fluke and they gloriously suck in other productions as well. 

Let's break down some of that run-on paragraph...

Stalking actors isn't always a bad thing. Especially if you're lazy and can't be bothered with actual physical contact or even going to the post office to mail your hair clippings. There are some instances that stalking is good. When you buy other movies they've been in you're stimulating the economy. (Amongst other things.) Plus, you might find something else to obsess about! Hobbies are good, right??

Greg Sestero was recently in the movie "Dude Bro Party Massacre III," which is a spoof on 80's slasher films. 

I grew up on 80's slasher films! So naturally, I had to get it. Turns out that this movie isn't just a parody; it's an homage to every actor who died a horrifying death in cheap fake blood-soaked camp t-shirts. I really like this movie because it's super-fun and very well done. The actors were all great. Even Gregory "Greg" Sestero. 

STALKER BONUS: Greg's naked chest is on screen for all of 2-seconds in this movie and I proceeded to turn that 2-seconds into a Vine. 

Please don't sue me. I am so damn poor.
By the way, I'm totally using this without permission from Greg's hairless nipples or 5 Second Films, the maker of "Dude Bro Party Massacre III." As a way to say thank you to them not giving me grief about this (insert super-huge fan smile here), I encourage everyone to go get DBPM3 at You can watch it online or download it. If you grew up in the 80's and enjoyed watching slasher films, such as Sleepaway Camp, you will love this.

UPDATE: It just struck me that I should have added the "Garbage Day!" audio clip from "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" to this Vine. Dammit! Next time... next time...

Before you think I'm just a horny stalking computer geek, consider that I'm also debating doing the same thing with Patton Oswalt's mustache from that movie. So, it's not strictly a sex-thing.

Or is it????
But my obsession with the video editing software I use? That's masturbatory geekery. I admit it. Movie Maker turns me on.

Did you read above that I own a copy of the script? I do. I ordered it from Tommy's company Street Fashions. When it came, I squeed. I opened the package and proceeded to bounce around like a four-year-old child who received a puppy for Christmas. The words "Oh, my God" were uttered no less than forty time. I had goosebumps. I cried.

Oh, my God!!!!!!!!
Tommy had personally signed my script.

To: Stephanie. May all your dreams come true! Love! Tommy Wiseau 05/28/2015

And before you say, "It's probably just the guy in the mailroom," I googled his signature just to make sure it was his. Hey, I've been stupider before about dumber things! I saw pics of him signing stuff. It's real.

UPDATE: I bought my BFF and fellow Tommy-stalker Stacey the script for Xmas. He signed hers too!! We love you, Tommy!!!

I don't have a solid theory on why this movie is so important to me. Yes, it's awful. Yes, I find it deliriously entertaining. Yes, I suppose it serves as a reminder that no matter how good or talented you are, you can achieve your dreams. But I don't think that's it. I just know it's important to me. And that's it.

I admit it. I freaking LOVE "The Room."

STALKER BONUS: The script came a free pair of Tommy Wiseau underwear. Check out the hip-dick pocket. (Inside joke for the RiffTrax fans!)

And on a final note, if you are at all interested in watching/reading about "The Room," here is the order you should do it in.

1. Watch "The Room" with the RiffTrax audio commentary. (If you don't know how, see me for instructions.)

2. Read Greg Sestero's book "The Disaster Artist: My Life Inside The Room." 

3. Pee yourself with laughter while reading Greg Sestero's book. Occasionally cry with pity.

4. Go back and watch "The Room" without anyone's commentary and appreciate it in all its glory. Sympathize with Claudette for having the world's laziest daughter (oh, and cancer, too). Realize that Lisa isn't really half-bad an actress. Proceed to still hate Lisa for being a tramp. Fail to fathom Mark's complete lack of "what's going on" and backbone. Wonder how in the hell Mark can even survive the day without a service dog to keep him from accidentally walking into traffic. Wish that Johnny would come back as a ghost in "The Room II" and haunt the shit out of everyone in this cast.

5. Repeat.

6. Repeat.

7. Repeat.

103. Come to the realization that Mark is supposed to be Greg. Lisa is supposed to be Tommy. Johnny is the viewing audience. Cry yourself to sleep because you have have nothing left to understand about this movie. You should maybe get some therapy now. But not from Peter. Don't play psychology with him. He's terrible at it.

P.S. My apologies to my parents who probably read this whole thing and they have NO clue what any of this meant. They are most likely a lot happier they live in Tennessee now, as it puts a lot of miles between them and my severe weirdness.