5-Day Juicing Challenge : Day Four

The continuing adventures of Drew, Stacey, and Stephanie’s 5-Day Juicing Challenge

This morning’s check in:

Stacey: Bleep bleep bleep-bleep, bleeeeeeeep.

Drew: Are you ok?

Steph: I haven’t slept. I have a headache. What planet are we on?

September 15, 2016 - Day Four-Hundred and Forty Two of Our Self-Imposed Inprisonment

It seems like years since this horror began. Time has no meaning anymore. I can only trudge on and pray for salvation. Preferably in the form of a grilled chicken sandwich with bacon, cheese, and chipolte mayo with a side of bbq baked beans, macaroni salad, and a tall IPA.

Breakfast: Cauliflower, Celery, Pears, Ginger, Cucumber

The guards have arrived with this morning's drink. It looks and smells like celery consomme. It tastes like death.

Mid-Morning Bathroom Discovery:

“LET'S ALL GO TO THE Y-M-C-A!! IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE Y-M-C-A!! SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING Y-M-C-A!!"

Morning Snack: Coconut Water

The orange-flavored snack I used to find comparable to toilet water is now oddly sweet and refreshing. Could my taste-buds be conforming out of a need to survive? Or maybe - just maybe - it's like coffee and beer. Drink enough of it and eventually you become an addict a connoisseur.

NEWFLASH!

For fear of my own sanity and the safety of those around me, I have removed myself from the workplace. I now hide in my home, waiting for the visions to pass. Visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. Baked sugar plums in a port wine sauce dressed in caramel shrouds with chocolate glaze taunt me like whores in a whorehouse that's filled with... whores... or something. "Yes! I would like a scoop of french vanilla ice cream on top. Thank you very much."

Lunch: Lemon, Apples, Cucumbers, Celery, Parsley

Fruits and vegetables that I once called my friends have turned on me. The only thing more foul than their taste is their odor. To paraphrase the immortal words of General Jason Countryman, leader of the Bacon Brigade and a proud warrior of the Fried Pickle Revolution... "Celery. You are dead to me."

I think Drew and the celery are conspiring against me!

TRAITORS!

Afternoon Snack: More of that breakfast atrocity

I attempted to drink down the juice that hell hath wrought upon me and ended up making a terrifying dash to the restroom facilities. I made it in time to toss it all into the toilet, including what was left in the cup. Oddly enough, it looks the same in the toilet no matter which direction it came out of me from. That's not a good sign. I should warn the others. Light the warning beacons of Gondor! Or maybe send a text. I'm sure a text is fine.

Post Afternoon Snack: A crate of Tums.

A nice pause from the napalm diet.

Dinner: More of that barely tolerable concoction from lunch

If you listen closely, you can hear a Jimmy Buffett song. 

No wait. That's my stomach.

Evening Snack: Pineapple, Sweet Potato, Celery, Lemon, Lime

I'm scared.

Day Four: Damage Report, Sponsored by Zoloft.

Me - "Can we sleep now, Mommy? Can we sleep and dream of Denny's?"

Drew - Screaming out from the bathroom in his own personal hell, "This is getting annoying!"

Stacey - Still bleeping.

TO BE CONTINUED…

STAY TUNED FOR DAY FIVE, THE DAY OF REDEMPTION

5-Day Juicing Challenge : Day Three

The continuing adventures of Drew, Stacey, and Stephanie’s 5-Day Juicing Challenge

This morning’s check in:

Stacey: Bleh.

Drew: Meh.

Steph: Is this seriously only day three???

September 14, 2016 - Day Three

Breakfast: Apples, Red Cabbage, Grapes, Romaine

I might have used too many grapes, because I could only taste the grape juice. So naturally, I liked it. Stacey hated it. She accused me of using wine instead. I didn’t!!

Today's cuisine. Just ready to wreak havoc on my digestive system.

Mid-Morning Bathroom Discovery:

“Will I ever stop pooping? I’m only drinking juice and I’m still pooping. I either had a magnificent amount of poop stored in my intestines before I started this, or my body is a filtering machine! How is it turning liquid into poop??? Fascinating.”

Morning Snack: Coconut Water

The orange-flavored coconut water is starting to grow on me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m starting to like it or it’s just a matter of perspective. At least it’s not peach & mango flavored.

Lunch: Lemon, Apples, Romaine, Cucumber, Chard

Today’s lunch juice was meant to remind me that this challenge still kinda sucks. I’d apparently been enjoying yesterday and this morning’s juices too much because this is by far the most horrible thing I’ve tasted to date. I choked it down and my stomach said, “Are you for real?” I begged it to find understanding in the situation. I said, “If you keep this down, I will make it up to you.” I promised to buy it a beer on Saturday. It worked. The juice stayed down.

Afternoon Snack: More of that breakfast yumminess

My snack is the only reason I made it through lunch. I giggled with delight and hugged my drink bottle. “It’s grapes and cabbage! Yippy!!!” It’s like a slice of heaven today.

Post Afternoon Snack: The entire bottle of Ibuprofen and Excedrin Migraine

The more, the merrier.
*** In all honesty, the headache is from work, not the juicing. I'm stressing out pretty bad over here.

Dinner: More of that crap from lunch

Kill me!!! Please!!! This is hell!!!!!!

Three days ago. We were so happy and young then. So full of optimism.

FOOLS!!!!

Evening Snack: Oranges, Beets, Sweet Potato

Oh, who cares anymore. I mean, seriously. There’s only so many combinations of this stuff I can drink. This one burned my throat! WTF????

Day Three: Damage Report, Sponsored by Tums

Me - Crying.

Stacey - Bleep bleep bleeeeeeeeeep.

Drew - Only two more days. Honey, put down the knife.

TO BE CONTINUED…

COMING UP: DAY FOUR, IS THIS EVER GONNA END??

5-Day Juicing Challenge : Day Two

The continuing adventures of Drew, Stacey, and Stephanie’s 5-Day Juicing Challenge

This morning’s check in:

Stacey: I’m ok.

Drew: I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.

Steph: Hahahahahahaha! It’s about time your body caught up to what you were doing! Slow poke!

(I know. I’m a bitchy wife.)

September 13, 2016 - Day Two

Breakfast: Apples, Carrots, Beets, Sweet Potato, Romaine, Ginger

Beets are one of the few vegetables that I hate. My mother used to make beets and it churned my stomach every time. The sight, smell, and taste made me ill. So, why am I making a juice from beets? Because I’m a grown up now and I need to do more grown up things. Plus, it’s been rumored that juiced vegetables do not taste the same as cooked vegetables.

So, I tried it. And dammit. I liked it. Like… a lot.

When I mean “a lot” I mean it’s the best one yet. It’s not even close to the amount of love I have for a burger and beer, but it’s way better than anything I had yesterday.

And bonus for the fact that it did not upset my stomach. No problems. Huh. Weird.

No, really officer. It's beet juice. 

I was kidding yesterday. I wouldn't kill him. 

Who would take out the trash??

Mid-Morning Bathroom Discovery:

“Holy shit! Is that an irradiated carrot I just passed through my intestines? My God! I never knew I could crap such vivid colors! This is unbelievable! Wish I brought my phone! No one will believe this!”

Morning Snack: Coconut Water

Today we tried peach-mango flavored coconut water. Did not think you could make coconut water worse, but I was wrong. Awful. Oh, orange-flavored coconut vomit water! How I miss you!

Lunch: Apple, Lemon, Celery, Cucumber, Parsley, Spinach

I don’t care for celery. I like it chopped up really fine in my tuna salad. I don’t like to eat it raw because it’s stringy and it gives me the shivers when it gets caught in my teeth. And cooked? No no no.

So, no one is more surprised than me when I drank this and blurted out, “I like it!”

Again, it’s no grilled cheese sandwich and waffle fries, but it shocked me by not being completely disgusting.

And I learned my lesson from yesterday and skinned this baby before juicing it. Much MUCH better.

Central NY Cucumbers.

Making porn stars jealous since 1969.

Afternoon Snack: More of that breakfast yumminess
I hope it doesn't stain... because I wore a bit of it. Slob.

Post Afternoon Snack: The recommended adult dosage of Ibuprofen and Excedrin Migraine

Yesterday, I hit the medicine cabinet three times. This is the first I’ve touched it today, so it’s improving.

Dinner: More of that celery liquid from the gods

It wasn't as tasty tonight. I think I'm just tired from today.

Isn't that a beautiful color green?

Bet you're "green" with envy that this is mine!

Hahahaha!  Don't be hatin'.

Evening Snack: Sweet Potatoes, Apples, Oranges, Carrots, Cinnamon

Same stuff as yesterday. The sweet potatoes are starting to wear me out. I added more cinnamon, but the only thing that could save this for me tonight is vanilla vodka. Too bad that’s frowned upon. And I don't own any. And the liquor store is closed now.

Day Two: Damage Report, Sponsored by Toilet Skittles

Me - Slight Headache, No Dizziness, Drank Everything and Pissed Out Twice As Much.

Stacey - Mild Headache, Intestines Are Reenacting the Destruction of Pompeii, Stuck To It and Gone To Bed!

Drew - Doing a Little Better, Still Draggin', Still Married.

TO BE CONTINUED...

STAY TUNED FOR DAY THREE, HALFWAY TO FREEDOM

5-Day Juicing Challenge : Day One

The continuing adventure of Drew, Stacey, and Stephanie's 5-Day Juicing Challenge

September 12, 2016 - Day One

Breakfast: Carrot, Red Peppers, Apple, Orange, Ginger

Not that bad, actually. It tastes a lot like carrot going down, and red peppers ALL morning long. Yes, the aftertaste is a bit harsh. By noon, I’d drunk a half-gallon of water trying to wash the taste away. I’m not a huge fan of peppers unless dip or a cheese steak sub is involved. (I wonder if you can juice a cheese steak sub???)

Stacey Tip: It’s worth noting for anyone that’s seriously considering doing this… juice the night before so your meal will be nice and cold! It’s a lot better cold. Or at least it can't be any worse.

Morning Snack: Coconut Water

I have tried natural coconut water before. For the uninitiated, coconut water doesn’t taste like coconut or water. It tastes like boiled vegan hot dog broth. Pretty damn vile. I bought the coconut water with orange this time! It’s orange-flavored vile.

Why are you drinking it???

For all the wonderful properties that coconut water does provide.

1. It’s a powerhouse of electrolytes. Aka Nature’s Gatorade. Which I guess is good. I don’t actually know what in the heck an electrolyte is. Sounds like an ACDC elevator music cover band.

2. Coconut water packs a lot of potassium. My grandmother once read that if you eat a banana before bed that you’ll have more vivid dreams. Is that because of the potassium? I don’t know. It’s the only fact I know that could possibly be related to potassium, and honestly, I think granny was crazy as a loon.

3. It’s hydrating! This is true! After you drink coconut water, you’ll need to douse your mouth and stomach out using a garden hose to get rid of the taste. Tada! Hydration!

4. The most unique property of coconut water is it’s ability to be refrigerated for 48 hours and to still taste like it’s at room termperature. It’s fucking magical!!

Lunch: Cucumber, Romaine, Pineapple, Apple, Lime

The smell of a freshly mown lawn is a mixed bag of feelings. For one thing, it’s a sign of a sunny summer day! But for others, it’s the catalyst for an allergy attack. However, I doubt anyone has ever inhaled that green, earthy scent and thought, “I wish I could capture this in a glass and drink it for lunch.”

And then I tasted it.

You know all that stuff I just said about Coconut Water being vile? I take it back. All of it. Unreservedly. Vile has a new definition. It’s called, “Side salad au jus.” Coconut Water is now the delicacy in this meal plan.

I thought I was going to be physically sick. I went to the bathroom, fully prepared to hurl lunch into the toilet. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and said, “Oh, buck up, fatass. You created this mess. Deal. With. It.” And for once, I was right. Besides, it’s just juice. It’s gonna pass out the other end soon enough. As long as I’m in the bathroom, might as well hang out since I’ll be back in a half-hour.

The result of my little pep-talk? Lunch stayed down. Which is a good thing because I have to drink this crap for dinner too.

Note for future victims: Peel the cucumber. It might help. I didn’t peel it because I juiced that honkin’ thing, but I think the flavor of the bitter peel still ended up in my drink.

Afternoon Snack: More of that breakfast shit

You know what would make this carrot and red pepper concoction better? Ranch dressing. I wonder if anyone’s ever added a packet of dry ranch dressing to this. Probably not. There’s probably a good reason for that too.

Benjamin Moore calls this color Festive Orange.

Benjamin Moore's obviously never found himself wiping this 

color off his ass after the tenth trip to the bathroom.

Post Afternoon Snack: The recommended adult dosage of Ibuprofen and Excedrin Migraine

Measure it out in your hand. Swallow it raw like a boss.

Dinner: More of that lunch shit

After comparing my lunch shit to Drew’s lunch shit, we decided that my drink didn’t get nearly as much pineapple juice as it should have. So I added more. It made it more tolerable. Not as tolerable as a steak and baked potato would have been but more tolerable than having a red-hot poker shoved up my ass. Not that it was really an option today.

Evening Snack: Sweet Potatoes, Apples, Oranges, Carrots, Cinnamon

More effing carrots. Cheese and rice. This is ridiculous. I just cannot take anymore... oh, hey... this is good! Maybe this is the hunger and disappointment talking, but this juice is actually pretty good! Huh. Go figure. Maybe I can get through this.

Day One: Damage Report, Sponsored by Imodium

Me - Massive Headache, Dizziness, Sudden Urges to Strangle Innocent Bystanders, Drank Everything and Still Alive.

Stacey - Crushing Headache, Dizziness, Lost Last Hope for Mankind, Drank Everything and (last I checked) Still Alive.

Drew - Fine, No Problems, Quite Peppy, Drank Everything Without Complaint, Wife Has Not Killed Him Yet.... yet.

TO BE CONTINUED...

COMING TOMORROW: DAY TWO, OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE JUICER.

5-Day Juicing Challenge : Preparing for Day One

Drew, Stacey and I are doing a 5-day juicing challenge this week. The challenge is being run by a well-known international organization that specializes in juicing and blending. I’m not going to mention them right now because I want to be able to be as frank about this as possible, and if I fear offending someone, it won’t be nearly as much fun to complain.

What is a 5-day juicing challenge?

It’s where for 5-days you drink only the liquid by-product of the fruits and veggies that you cram into a juicer.

Why would you do this to yourself?

Because I was having too much fun eating and drinking stuff I actually like.

Really, Steph?

You got me! It’s because the stuff I like to eat and drink will eventually kill me. And not in forty years, but four. Maybe less. So I’m juicing for 5-days as a way to give my body a little break from the usual crap. Maybe give it back a spark of energy. A starting point to something better.

That sounds much better!

Great. You believe my bullshit too. Excellent. Welcome to Team Burger Junkie.

Maybe you should get to the point of this...

Oh yeah. I’ve decided to chronicle my juicing week. Because apparently I didn’t have enough stuff to bitch about already.  

Let’s go!

September 10, 2016 - Pre-Pre-Day One

Drew and I went shopping for our veggies.

I've never had that many vegetables in my shopping cart at one point in time 

when Mrs. Marzetti's dip has not been involved.

During our quest to deforest the produce department at Wegman’s, we ran into our friends Nick and Kelly.

First thing out of their mouths… “Hey! Hi! How’s it going?”

Second thing… “What the hell are you doing?”

My reply… “Stocking a vegan food pantry???”

I confessed what we were doing. Kelly’s response was completely appropriate… “You are going to be so miserable. I’ll avoid you for a few days.”

I don’t blame her.

It’s true that when you juice, the first 2-3 days make you feel nauseous, head-achy, and homicidal. This is because you’re giving up all the stuff you’re addicted to -- caffeine, sugar, fat, carbs, alcohol, the will to live. Thankfully the diet doesn’t mention having to give up porn. So, I’ve got that going for me.

Him: I've got a 5-Day Man-Juice Challenge for you, baby.

Her: Ok. Just as long as I don't have to drink coconut water.

September 11, 2016 - Pre-Day One

Drew and I prepped our Breakfast, Lunch, and Snack juices for the next day. It took an hour and we ended up with just as much juice on the counter and floor as our drink containers. (16oz water bottles)

Tomorrow night we have a better plan to make our juices without getting in each other's way.

Assuming I make it to tomorrow night...

TO BE CONTINUED...

COMING TOMORROW: DAY ONE, AKA THE DAY I LEARNED THAT VEGETABLES HAVE SOULS

Crafty: Fall-ish Flower Card

Today's card is a total fail. At least in my mind. Why? Well, take a look at the card I was trying to replicate. It's on Stamping Inferno's blog.

Isn't it gorgeous?!?!

Now see what I made.

Oh, *insert your choice of swear word here*.

Problem#1 : I suck at picking out colors on my own. 
I wanted to make the card in fall colors. Orange and yellow. This is meh.

Problem#2 : I suck at embossing. 
The phrase "just because" on the original card was embossed with white powder. I tried to emboss my message and it looked like a Happy Birthday greeting that was trapped in a snowstorm. I even tried the anti-static trick with a dryer sheet. Nope. The embossing powder insisted on sticking to pretty much the entire corner of the black paper. So, I wiped it off and just stuck a message on there instead. Not nearly as awesome.

Ok,, the final outcome isn't bad, but it's nothing like I'd envisioned, so it's a fail. Of course, it won't stop me from selling them to my co-workers for $4. Ha!

The flowers are all made using the Botanical Builder Framelit Die set from Stampin' Up.
By the way, a wonderful set that rolled out so easily in the Big Shot! I do love it and will be using it a lot more in the future. I'll just stick to colors that won't offend Mother Nature.

The message is

* Disclaimer: I am not employed by Stampin' Up and they never asked for this. In fact, if they knew this was here, they'd probably send a cease and desist letter. What I am is a happy customer. I supply the names of the products (that I can remember) as a reference for my fellow crafters.

Crafty: Gold Rose Wedding Card

Today's card is a Mr. & Mrs. Wedding card with a Gold Rose on it.  The idea for the card was inspired (aka stolen) from Stamping Jo's website.  I saw it on Pinterest, a crafter's greatest internet resource.

Gluing the rose down was kind of a pain in the butt, even using the Fine-Tip Glue Pen from Stampin' Up. Most reps will tell you the glue dries clear. That's kinda true. It's clear, but you can still see it. Especially on black paper. So, gluing this beast of a die-cut and putting it in position without dragging the glue around is hard. For this reason, I only made two of these lovely cards and unless someone specifically wants more, I won't be voluntarily making more.

The gold rose is made using gold foil paper and the Rose Garden Thinlit from Stampin' Up.
The message is made using the Label Love stamp set and the Artisan Label punch, both retired products from Stampin' Up.
The rest of the card stock is from a local craft store. I have so much paper that I rarely ever remember where it came from.

* Disclaimer: I don't work for Stampin' Up and they didn't ask me to do this. In fact, if they knew me they'd probably ask me to stop. I happen to be a customer and supply the names of the products I use just as a reference for fellow crafters in case they like what they see here.